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1.1k · Jun 2018
Car Crash
Marissa Jun 2018
You see me as a charity project,
The misfortunate
Lying here
Crying out for help
The one that can turn you into a hero
But I'm too broken to be saved
I need more help than drugs can provide
And I cannot drink the pain away
My demons follow
Swallowing me whole
Trapping me inside this car
With the doors locked
And water seeping in
But the air burns my lungs
With toxic fumes    
Not allowing one last breath
Before the water consumes.
945 · Sep 2018
Schizophrenic
Marissa Sep 2018
The ghost of the night,
Out to get me in plain sight.

Can't stop,
Stop,
STOP...

Pacing,

Back and forth
And back and forth.

Standing at the sink
Looking up to see
Something I cannot believe.

He stares me down,

Taunting,

"You're only a little boy, who I've been wanting."
897 · Feb 2018
Who Am I?
Marissa Feb 2018
I’m the shy and the weird and the try to be cute all the time but fails miserably.
I’m unwanted by others and the wanted by some
And the “ignore her she acts invisibly anyways.”
I’m the insomniac and the depressed and the anxiety attacks.
I’m the prey and the predator and the bystander.
I’m the failure and the miserable and the screams for help.
I am one person, and that is myself.
I’m the friend of the man in the moon and the secret keeper and the one not to seek attention.
I’m the not so perfect soul and the not so gifted and the not so smart.  
I’m the sadness in my mind and the happiness around the corner and the mixed emotions left behind.                      
I’m the undecided and the bad influence and the annoying.
I’m the one who has lost all feeling and the one who gain feeling back and the one who makes her pillow catch tears when someone else can’t.
I’m the strong and the weak and the average.
I’m the book smarts and the common sense and the *******.
I’m the one and only kind of me out there and I embrace myself.
I am myself.
634 · Feb 2018
What is Love?
Marissa Feb 2018
Love is defined in the dictionary as an intense feeling of deep affection. Now, not only do I agree with that but to me, love is also accepting the other person as they are and not asking them to be someone else.  I don't mean that people in love can't ask each other to change in minor ways, but love, to me, means being able to accept who the other person really is. When you are truly in love with a person, you are free to really be yourself without worrying that the other person is judging you and being critical of you. It’s also based on the relationship because there are different types of love. For example, love between a man and woman (or romantic couple) differs from the love between a parent and child. However, in the romantic sense, I think the meaning of love is that which makes you whole. Not to sound cheesy, but if the person makes you realize the good things about your life and the world, then it's love. Love is when you feel comfortable enough with someone to speak your mind freely and you can become selfless for them, in some ways, love is having your best friend as your partner. Love can also be with things, you can love food, like me, because it makes you feel good. Love basically makes you feel good, about yourself, about others, and about your relationships. To love is the law of life itself, its one of the most sublime actions that a human being is capable of. Love is the messiest, stupidest, most beautiful thing ever created. It's so easy to fall in love and very difficult to get out of it. You know it's there because there is this warm little fire inside of you that erupts when you see them. You feel it in your bones, in your heart, in your hands, you feel it in your legs, in your lips and fingertips, you feel it all over and it squeezes your heart. Love is so hot it makes you sweat. It makes you shake. It keeps you up at night. It makes you want to be with them all the time. But Love is powerful. It gets to your head and drives you crazy. It hurts. It makes you cry. It's loud arguments. It's drinking away the pain. It's apologizing. It's make-ups and break-ups. It's running through an airport for one last goodbye. It's sunrises and sunsets. It's late night calls and good morning texts. It's flowers delivered to you. It's remembering birthdays and anniversaries. It's sharing a routine because you're one now. It's starting over and over because love, at first sight, is true. It's adventure. It's mystery and secrets shared. It's inside jokes. It's timeless beauty. It's acceptance. Love is absolutely unconditional. No matter what day or time, no matter what year, no matter who's who, love is the strongest most powerful thing ever, so be careful, it can destroy you.
616 · Mar 2019
My Hunger
Marissa Mar 2019
Hundreds of people surround me.
Hundreds of voices going in one ear out the other.
But it feels like i'm the only one here,
and the only voice is in my head.
My voice muffled, hands shaking, and heart racing.

My loneliness isn't just hunger for an emotional attachment,
it is the psychological equivalent of malnutrition.
I am starved, disintegrating, nails snapping, fingers and toes turning pallid purple as the circulation shuts off, the stattacco heartbeats.
Every fiber of my being, every cell, is craving,
but it is not a hunger that can be filled with a big meal.
It is perhaps the worst physical pain I have known.
It exhausts you.
It feels like you have swallowed hot coals.
The nausea is so intense it blurs your vision.
Your organs scream, flounder, reject.
They act as if they have been poisoned.
If you try to refill yourself too fast,
it destroys you,
and you cannot cope.
You must drip feed yourself company.
Self inflicted loneliness,
like self inflicted malnutrition has its own emotional complexity.
478 · Feb 2018
Disorders
Marissa Feb 2018
Lighten up,
Laugh more too,
Why do you keep listening to that ******* music about dying?
Smile more.

Just BE HAPPY!

Eat more,
Why do you keep asking about your weight?
Quit puking up every meal.

Just BE HAPPY!

They’re just people,
Why are you a nervous wreck?
Act normal.

Just BE HAPPY!

Leave it alone,
Why must you freak if something small is out of place?
Go on without touching.

Just BE HAPPY!

It’s not real,
Why are you always screaming like there are monsters under your bed?
Just keep moving forward.


...Just be happy
Be happy
Be happy!
406 · Jun 2018
Weakness
Marissa Jun 2018
I try to talk to the man upstairs
But he just doesn't listen to my prayers.  
I down so many beers
Because nobody actually cares.  
Drenched in tears
I know there's nothing left besides my fears.  
'Causing more demons to appear
Making the atmosphere
Heavy.
Making it harder to breathe,  
I know soon everyone will leave,
Giving depression an option to overachieve
Without even asking me, please.
Save me from my own thoughts
Before I rot.
I once thought,
"I matter," but I guess not.
This is for the ones who fought.
One last tie to this knot,
you are my weak spot…
371 · Jul 2019
Unwanted
Marissa Jul 2019
Pressured at the age of eleven to allow unwanted hands crawl up my body,
Pressured at the age of fifteen to give up my virginity,
Pressured at the age of sixteen to give into my addiction of feeling accepted -
Not accepted by others, but by boys who only love you if you give them handjobs.
308 · Jul 2019
Unknown Man
Marissa Jul 2019
At first sparks flew and flowers bloomed.
There was a twinkle in your eye and I knew.
I knew I was in trouble,
You knew it too.

Every color seemed brighter with you,
Every storm seemed lighter,
Every good day seemed perfect,
Everything was different.

You were my source of happiness,
The one person I counted on,
The one I fell in love with.

Now, when you’re here, you’re not actually here.

The colors don’t seem as bright anymore,
The storms feel like hurricanes,
The good days seem bland,
And everything is different.

You are now my source of unwanted.

You are now an unknown man sleeping in my bed.
302 · Feb 2018
Innocence Lost
Marissa Feb 2018
Silence fills the space,
Along with silent screams that can't be replaced.

Hands grab and pull at Innocence,
Tugging and ripping it apart.

Huddled in a barricaded area,
Innocence sits.

Waiting...
And waiting.
269 · Jul 2019
Why Even?
Marissa Jul 2019
Why even try,
When it means nothing
To anyone?
Does anyone see
I've been trying?
How don't they see
It hurts?
-When all they do is point out
My flaws!-

Why even try,
When I could
End it tonight?
Would anyone even notice
Me gone?
So tell me what's the point
To stay what they so call "alive"?
-When I already feel dead!-

Why even try,
If nobody notices me?
Why tell me it
Gets better
When it only gets worse?
How could someone
Lie to a broken person
Like me?
-When I'm already on the edge!-

Why even try,
When all I worry about
Is a smile appearing on my face?
Where is my happiness?
How do I cope with this?
-Every second I want
To cut
To feel alive!-

That's it!
I'm done!
No more!
No more trying to please others!
I give up!
I'm done!
You win!
263 · Jul 2019
You
Marissa Jul 2019
You
You make me feel all different ways.
You make me love you in five second,
Then turn around and make me hate everything.

These feelings are new, and I don’t know how to react.

It’s like a toddler with a lemon;
They know it’s sour after the first taste,
But will continue to lick the fruit.

It’s like two children with a new toy;
They’ll fight over it,
Until they get bored.

It’s like getting a new puppy;
All you feel is love and joy,
But you know that’s only because the pup is new.

You are my like my coffee in the morning,
Without you I’m dull and spiritless,
But with you I’m complete.

That’s how I know you’re my happiness.

With you I forget all the bad,
I let myself lick the lemon,
I don’t think of the consequences when fighting for the new toy,
I love the puppy always, no matter how old it gets,
And I always drink my morning coffee,
All because I know you’re worth it.
259 · Jul 2019
Not my Forever Home
Marissa Jul 2019
He makes me feel at home;
Those warm arms wrapped around my frail body.
The heat radiating off your chest.
The sweet fragrance of vanilla surround us.
The sound of your laughter ringing in my ears.
Your smile is worth everything in this moment.
My heart pounding fast.
This is what I want my forever to feel like.

Yet I know it won’t last.
We’re young.
You’ll forget my name as soon as I leave.

No regrets were made,
Only lessons.
241 · Jul 2019
Dangerous Game
Marissa Jul 2019
Let's play a game;
You tell me you love me,
And I believe you.

Let's play a game;
I fall deep,
And you let me.

Let's play a game;
I hope you feel the same,
And you let my hope bloom.

Let's play a game;
It's very dangerous,
And everyone gets hurt eventually.

Let's play a game,
Even if it's not the one you tend to play.

Let's play a game,
That one likes to lose.

Let's play a game,
That only takes two.

Let's play this very beautiful dangerous game.
238 · Apr 2020
Beginning to End
Marissa Apr 2020
Feel it seep into your pores.
Allow it to swallow you whole.
Feel it caress your body.
Light.
Gentle.

Feel it leave one word at a time.
Allow it to burn in your soul.
Feel it slip down your cheek.
Heavy.
Rough.
210 · Apr 2020
Sleep
Marissa Apr 2020
Sleep isn’t my friend anymore,
It's not welcomed with a big smile and hug.
It doesn’t even knock on the door half of the time,
Sometimes I force that ***** to come in.
Sleep likes to welcome everyone to the party;
Dreams.
They are not asked for.
Memories of your face and how it felt to be next to you.
Sleep comes and goes just like the past.
It does as it pleases.
One minute there, the next gone.
210 · Jul 2019
My Personal Hurricane
Marissa Jul 2019
I love storms.

They drag me in,
Without knowing what the outcome will be.

Dark,
Thunder,
Rainy storms.

The clouds gather in the eyes,
The rain accumulates and begins to fall,
As the thunder rumbles from your mouth.

I love you,
But you are my personal hurricane.
def not my best, but just something quick I wrote!

— The End —