I realized when I left
that meant I was going to be alone
for awhile
for years maybe
that it would be challenging to find someone who could put up with me
love me for all my many quirks and sarcastic comments
my attitude on my good and bad days
I realized leaving meant many many lonely days
and possibly even lonelier nights
but that it could also mean
many many filled moments of figuring myself out like never before
and maybe, loneliness would teach me a thing or two about loving myself for the very first time
when I have nothing left, I will have Me

I just went back and read the beautiful things I wrote
during the darkest time of my life
and
I can see that girl writing those poems
I know exactly where she was
I see it in my mind so clearly when I read through my old thoughts
I was so beautifully melancholy
yet inspiring and hopeful sometimes
I should read what I wrote about myself more often because I was speaking love to myself that I’ve forgotten about
somehow I lost that light that shines in those words
even if they are painful and sad there is power in what I said
because I made it

The worst thing you can do to me is
Ignore me
And then think that will solve something
because we will be “calmer” “cooled down” “not angry anymore”
Yeah right
ignoring me only escalates my emotions
giving me time to think is a dangerous thing
leaving me to cry huge tears that soaked my face and my bed and left my eyes red and my throat sore is a careless mistake for a girl like me
Once my heart is cracked open
it crumbles like dirt in your hands
I am not a forgiving person
even if I wanted to be
I don’t have it in me to forgive someone for stepping on me like I am small
Inside I am bigger than you
I just have to find that part of me that got lost somewhere and I’ll be giant and so bright I’ll blind you

This season of life is full of simplicity
predictability
normalcy
it’s a little boy about to turn 4 who asks Mama to play with him and read him the same books over and over again
birthday party planning, holiday coordinating
co parenting changing,
his stubborn side showing,
refusing to eat meals and pushing as far as he can
but also so so sweet when he tells me
“Mommy, you’re beautiful”
“Mom I want a hug”
“Mom will you sit by me?”
toddler talks and stuttering over his words because he can’t get them out fast enough
Sesame Street on repeat and little boy jokes
daycare drop offs and after work pick ups
bedtime routines and storybooks
Single child syndrome, center of attention
this season of life is so simple
motherhood now is like holding onto the baby things while also helping him do the big boy stuff,
independence blossoming
I always wondered when we would get here
past the diaper days
the breastfeeding
the restless nights
and teething
it’s all so bittersweet
My only baby
maybe my only baby
through ***** ups and scoldings he still wants to hold my hand and be carried by Mama
this season of life is all about childhood for an almost 4 year old little boy

I wanted to talk about how I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been going through
but I don’t think I can find the words
when I look back and the memories flash through my brain
it all seems like a life someone else lives
that it wasn’t me anyway
but it is me
this is my life
and I have no idea how to talk about it
let alone fix it