I remember the night the moon got huge and then faded to black
I spoke to you in my belly and wished for you to love the sky like I do

they say growing up is a trap,
but what about never growing at all?

I think it may be worse to miss out on all the heartache and pain that comes with being alive because in all that suffering, is where you find yourself

growth hurts,
every limb and vein in your body as if you're being pulled apart,
but from darkness always comes something far more beautiful and then after all of it,
you're still here

rather than stay sheltered and safe and comfortable,
I think I'd rather feel it all

all the risks I've ever taken
or hardships life has thrown at me,
or moments so wonderful they imprinted my soul,
have been more painful and beautiful and just so very worth it
I wouldn't change a thing

old me used to be fragile
easy to bend when the wind blew
and quick to drown in the current
emotional and open
I longed to be a stronger girl
independent and free as a bird

new me has her blinds drawn over the windows
anxious and lonely, tougher skin,
I can stand tall and not break,
never allowing my emotions to show
I long to be a softer girl,
willing to let the light in
willing to learn how to be strong but gentle

I remember sitting on the front porch, curled up in a wicker chair with a pen and a pad of paper
the early June afternoon sun going down over my smalltown, casting a golden glow on the blacktop,
writing a poem about loneliness
and wondering whether everyone else around me
driving by in that car,
walking their dog,
stirring that drink at the bar,
was as lonely as I was

whether their heart also longed for something more
or felt a loss for what they never reached for in the first place
whether they were settling and giving up on their dreams

or had they finally decided to go for it,
That job
That person
That trip
That thing that makes their heart beat faster and gets their blood flowing
That thing that makes them feel free

or was I the only one,
in a world overflowing with people,
could I be the only one who gave it all up,
too afraid to make the change my soul was aching for?

It seems like we just started talking about my move and you coming with me.
Everyday went on just like the last,
only a little better than the day before.
Like I had plenty of time to count the seconds, waste the minutes and spend the hours away with you,
and then one day,
I woke up on a Saturday,
& were 6 days away from starting over together & me being 23,
the morning light casting a golden glow on your green eyes as you tell me "Good Morning" with a kiss

Right now you are packing the things you are bringing to merge our stuff into one place called home
Each day gets a little warmer, the future gets a little closer and the past gets a little bit further away & I'm starting to feel just like the flowers in the spring,
rising from the ground with the help of the sun's rays,
my roots stronger than ever, & ready to bloom into something beautiful

For the first time in my life I realized
Love is not heavy breathing from tears that wouldn't stop falling,
It's not begging someone to stay and then being left only to slam the door

It is not explaining myself in a sentence that goes nowhere
or feeling alone in a room next to the person who is supposed to care

It is not wishing for understanding or the feeling that no one ever will,
The emptiness inside when physical touch is no longer yearned for
or expected

Love is someone who won't go because they want to stay
and sweet hands wiping away salty tears from my cheeks before they even touch my lips
It is ears to listen and a mind to grasp all of me even when I don't understand myself
It is wanting a person for all their worth and loving them for all their flaws
It is soft kisses and giggles and laying in your lap as you stroke my hair

Real love has shown me
all of what I thought was true,
has always been a test,
I know I won't ever have to fall against the closed door ever again wondering how love could hurt so much

Once you realize the army you have behind you
You become stronger then you ever imagined