old me used to be fragile
easy to bend when the wind blew
and quick to drown in the current
emotional and open
I longed to be a stronger girl
independent and free as a bird

new me has her blinds drawn over the windows
anxious and lonely, tougher skin,
I can stand tall and not break,
never allowing my emotions to show
I long to be a softer girl,
willing to let the light in
willing to learn how to be strong but gentle

I remember sitting on the front porch, curled up in a wicker chair with a pen and a pad of paper
the early June afternoon sun going down over my smalltown, casting a golden glow on the blacktop,
writing a poem about loneliness
and wondering whether everyone else around me
driving by in that car,
walking their dog,
stirring that drink at the bar,
was as lonely as I was

whether their heart also longed for something more
or felt a loss for what they never reached for in the first place
whether they were settling and giving up on their dreams

or had they finally decided to go for it,
That job
That person
That trip
That thing that makes their heart beat faster and gets their blood flowing
That thing that makes them feel free

or was I the only one,
in a world overflowing with people,
could I be the only one who gave it all up,
too afraid to make the change my soul was aching for?

It seems like we just started talking about my move and you coming with me.
Everyday went on just like the last,
only a little better than the day before.
Like I had plenty of time to count the seconds, waste the minutes and spend the hours away with you,
and then one day,
I woke up on a Saturday,
& were 6 days away from starting over together & me being 23,
the morning light casting a golden glow on your green eyes as you tell me "Good Morning" with a kiss

Right now you are packing the things you are bringing to merge our stuff into one place called home
Each day gets a little warmer, the future gets a little closer and the past gets a little bit further away & I'm starting to feel just like the flowers in the spring,
rising from the ground with the help of the sun's rays,
my roots stronger than ever, & ready to bloom into something beautiful

For the first time in my life I realized
Love is not heavy breathing from tears that wouldn't stop falling,
It's not begging someone to stay and then being left only to slam the door

It is not explaining myself in a sentence that goes nowhere
or feeling alone in a room next to the person who is supposed to care

It is not wishing for understanding or the feeling that no one ever will,
The emptiness inside when physical touch is no longer yearned for
or expected

Love is someone who won't go because they want to stay
and sweet hands wiping away salty tears from my cheeks before they even touch my lips
It is ears to listen and a mind to grasp all of me even when I don't understand myself
It is wanting a person for all their worth and loving them for all their flaws
It is soft kisses and giggles and laying in your lap as you stroke my hair

Real love has shown me
all of what I thought was true,
has always been a test,
I know I won't ever have to fall against the closed door ever again wondering how love could hurt so much

Once you realize the army you have behind you
You become stronger then you ever imagined

I think I made you up inside my head,
the way your words are so sweet and you always know how to cheer me up,
how your arms are so warm
and you know how to make all of my favorite foods

your perfect green eyes and brown hair,
are my favorite combination
mixed with your soft, sweet musky smelling beard that brushes against my face when I kiss you,
how your smile melts me and all those little noises you make are so cute
I just adore you in every way
that it's all too perfect,
like I get to live in the greatest daydream every single day beside you

you want me all the time,
my presence in the room is enough to leave you breathless
and every time we wrap into one another
you take my breath away
we're two people who fit together just
drunk on each other's company

even when I'm angry or have no makeup on you always tell me I'm beautiful
not only because of how I look on the outside, but also for the me on the inside

if I had dreamed up a guy he couldn't have been as good as you,
your perfection for me as a lover is undeniable,
as if you were sent to earth to wait
just for me,
born to one day cross paths with a girl with long blonde hair and weird dance moves to all the songs on the radio,
a storm come to blow you away

out of all the people in the world you were made to love all of myself,
it's as if I made you up inside my head

I don't know where else to turn with my feelings
social media is a waste of my time
I've never felt more alone there
I'm happy and sad at the same time
and I didn't know how I was going to feel
But truly I just feel lost
this week has taken it out of me,
the past couple months have to
I would like to act like I'm stronger than this
but I just don't know anymore
how much can one person take?
its just the feelings full of color pouring out of me
and I don't know if my tears are because I'm happy or if I'm sad
or somewhere in between
I'm just a girl calling out to the universe to bring me back
to send me a sign
to show me the way
to just help me make it though even one more day