it happens in almost a daze
in the middle of my day, brought to attention,
a memory,
hits me like a ton of bricks
I will remember how we used to drive through parks and talk
and how I felt like there was such a future there,
on a sunny day with the windows down and a warm breeze in my hair,
but in a flash
another memory of you stomping on my self worth
hurts me all over again,
like when you once told me I was the only person you'd ever known who made you as mad as I did,
or how I cried too much

and I still struggle to live in my life today,
being so used to the past that I'm still realizing my present isn't what it used to be,
my life now dosent deserve to have me
take out my past on what could be my future
Im just a mess of a girl so jumbled around I don't know which way is up or which is way is down

I may be moving but time still stands still,
surreal circumstances almost knock me to my knees,
when one thing reminds me of my past all I want to do is run,

letting go is more about holding onto things so hard you break them instead

I have let myself wander and go
away from the me I always was

a wild thing,
rootless,
unforgettable,
&
resilient,

the world is trying to muffle the sound of my
soul yelling through the fog my heart has created

other's views and negative thoughts
have affected me greatly
every harsh, word or tense way has sent me reeling,
pushing me farther and farther away from finding myself again,
got me off track, pointing me in every direction except the one I need to get back to me

forget myself and I forget it all,
lose the best parts of me and the worst at the same time,
doubt creeps in and I don't wanna try,
because who I am doesn't seem to matter anyway,
no one would even care if I disappeared,
in fact they would be happy I wasn't here

the voice that's left in my soul is exhausted from holding up the weight,
but space and time has created some beautiful things and the Lydia who is left under my skin hopes that the same will be true for me

There's this part of me,
that longs to be alone

other people become weights
that are to heavy for me to carry

some people think I am an idea in their head,
this fantasy woman they made up somehow along the way
and transferred onto me when they met me
like I am a concept for them
to make them happy, to be the thing that they have always needed

when in reality
I am just me
and I get angry and I'm stubborn and impossible sometimes
I'm just a girl who is messed up too,
trying to find her place in this world,
just like you

All of the things that annoyed me about you before
are the little things I now miss the most

everyone acts like because I left you
I should just move on
ignore you,
forget about it
as if it's absurd that I ache

that I am not overflowing with joy
to have my life turned upside down

as if I don't have the right to be sad
because I made the choice to go

but going isn't just closing a door,
it's opening windows to feelings that hold you hostage
break your limbs and squeeze your heart

I get angry at myself
telling my heart "we weren't supposed to hurt like this,
this is what you wanted"

leaving someone is just you spending every day trying to figure out how to live without them

take care of yourself
and know it's ok to have different feelings
reconnect with doing the things you like to do without your spouse
give yourself a break
don't go through this alone
establish new relationships, hang out with your friends and make new ones
don't put yourself in emotionally hard situations
pay attention to how you feel
don't include your kids in the conflict
things will go back to normal, even if it's a new "normal"

for the past few days the same thought has went through my head
what if I just stop living?
meanwhile my heart has kept asking me
but what if we just stopped dieing?