I didnt expect the ache
the consistent, deep emptiness
right in the center of my chest
like a knot ******* and throbbing
into my soul
I didn't expect the real anger and the pain that comes with a broken heart
in trying to get over someone you once thought you'd never have to
I didn't expect three months later to face having to see you with another girl
And I didn't expect that you would love her three weeks later either

the person you are now
is not the one I'm heartbroken over
that man is long gone
and I don't know which hurts worse
being heartbroken over a person who doesn't exist anymore
or missing a man who disappeared because of me

I remember the day we had people over because we had just moved in to the house
I took photographs to document the new memories we were going to make here
one of those memories now hangs in a frame on the wall
and all of us are smiling
and now I look back at that picture and wonder where those people went
who those people were
because they certainly don't look like us
at least the new us

the ones who screamed and shouted so loud the floors shook
and cried so hard their ribs felt they may break
the ones who ripped each other's hearts out with broken promises and painful truths
the ones who don't live together in this house anymore
I have now forgotten what it was even like to be happy with you
I leave that photo on the wall as a constant reminder to never forget the good times
even if it hurts

I dipped my heart in wax
so it would always stay

what a foolish thing to do

I didn't realize
that you would ever choose
to set it on fire
and watch it melt in your hands

I have decided that this is it
no matter how hard it may be
and even if I don't know where to start
I know that once you said the words
"I've been seeing someone since mid December"
my world faded away
the image in my mind was destroyed
and all that was left was
an emptiness so deep
it left my legs feeling broken from the fall
none of this is good for me
hearing you say she is
"the only thing that makes you feel alive anymore"
left burns in my brain in places that once held memories of us
the scars will never fade
and I'll forever think of the girl who makes you feel like I used to

you smell of whiskey and smoke
your hands are stained with black ink
you forget the simplest things
you're a terrible dancer
you're afraid of nothing and everything all at once
I can tell when you're lying, you always hesitate
you get angry too quickly; it scares me but never because I'm afraid you'd hurt me
you chew loudly
you are wild and unrepentant
your laughter is filled with sincerity
your jokes are always cheesy
you never fail to make me smile
you have made me cry
you make me worry
you're full of courage and whiskey.
I love you. I love you. I love you.

for me
being open about my feelings
has always left me at a loss
it has led me to hide behind a smile
or smoke another cigarette
in hopes of feeling what I want to
not what I actually do
I have cried more tears over not knowing what I needed more than I'd like to admit