It doesn't matter
If I do drugs
Or go for an hour long run
It doesn't matter if I
Become an alcoholic
Or a camp counselor
It won't matter if I fall asleep
On a sidewalk
Or in the fanciest bed
Doesn't matter
If I take the low road
Or the high road
My past still follows me,
My mistakes are ones
That I cannot escape.

I knew it was too good
To be true.
How could somebody like me
Deserve someone like you?
I now see I have worn
You to the bone,
Your eyes dim where
They once shone.
I'm to selfish and
I'm too greedy
To let you go because
I'm just that needy.
I'll hold onto you
Until you push me away
And even then I'll
Unevenly whisper "stay".

Your beautiful blue eyes
Once holding fathomless love
Now show I'm not at all
What you dreamed of.

How could I be as good
As you thought?
Now you can see all I have
Inside me is rot.

Kissing me leaves your
Tongue bitter,
And all you can think of is
"I've got to quit her."

Its okay,
I understand.
I'll always fall asleep
Holding my own hand.

I feel my fingers grip
The razor blade
Been there for me since I was 13
I still get a rush
From it
And I still feel my lips
Curl into a smile
When I do it
I love the slice
Of my pale skin
An the bubbling crimson
That sting when I try to sleep
Let's me focus on something else
Than my pitiful memories

I hate everything about her
Her Facebook pictures
And her posts
Her skinny little waist
And big blue eyes
******* hate that *****
It's forever a war
Her pants pulled up too tight
And a ****** look on her face
I'd fight her
I'd gladly hit her
Break each perfect tooth
Out of her ***** mouth
And rip out her hair
And earrings
And **** that *****
Certainly somebody
I would never miss
I hate her
And her friends
I hate her
I hate her

I look into your eyes-
I feel it.
I feel it when we kiss.
When you hold me.
When you touch me.
I feel it when you laugh
I feel it watching you **** down
Cigarettes like you're looking for
Lung cancer.
So I'll kiss you back
And hold your hand
And caress your face softly.
I'll make you laugh just to hear it-
I'll kiss the smoke off your lips
And exhale it into the night air.

Because I love you.
I love you.

I haven't been able to say it,
It gets caught in my throat.
It scratched my tongue till
I cough it out when you're not around.

We bicker back and forth
Smiling and laughing
Phone calls and texts.
It seems like he is
Down the street..
But in real life he is
Hundreds of miles away.
If I close my eyes
I can almost imagine it.

Im fine*
Falls out of my mouth
So easily
The words no longer
Hold meaning

So I read to you until you
Fall asleep
Over the phone at 12 am
Because nothing
Is more beautiful
Than you

Is it normal to still be crying
To still have tears in your throat
Where your boyfriends ****
Was just yesterday?
Is it normal to kiss
And only think about her kiss
Her hands
Her soft yet demanding love
I'm enraptured I'm captured
I'm mesmerized and entranced
I've loved and lost
But never quite like this
I'm head over heels
For her smile and her touch
I'm desperate and sick
I'm needy and I've got to have her
******* I'm still in love.
Still in love.
With her.

I miss believing
It was forever,
You and me.
I wish I could say 'no, I'm Mykayla's.'
All I have left
Are these notes
And these pictures
And all these ******* promises
Of forever in every *******
Corner of my room
And bookbag
And heart.
I miss your laugh
And holding you when ÿöü sleep
And I love how your body twitches
When you dance it's adorable
I still have everything
I miss our forever
You were my safe haven
And right now
I need you
And I'm so sorry
Sorry sorry sorry
Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry
Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry
Sorry sorry sorry sorry
Sorry sorry sorry
Sorry sorry
Sorry.
For all I've done.

You're completely unforgettable
Completely

       Unforgivable

You're the last straw
On my camels back

And my knees have buckled.

Oh Darlin',
You promised not to break my heart.
You promised to love me now and forever.

Too bad that love is a lying *****.
And so are you.

And I'm balancing on a tightrope
Happiness on the other side
Urging me too my feet
But beneath the tightrope
Is a hell I've fallen into way too many times
Good god
Let me be
Let me be free
Even though I'm falling

She was like a fine wine*

Too bad it spilled down the
Kitchen sink,
along with
A handful of pills from her
Mothers medicine cabinet

If she was a fine wine,
Why did they drink her like
Cheap *****?

*And smashed the bottle
Against their exes windshield

Can't you tell
I'm always going to want you?
You could leave me now
For depression and death
You could leave me now
For a hundred years
And I could fall in love
A million times
And get married
And have kids
But when I see you
Even if I'm old and gray
I'd still take your wrinkled hand in mine and kiss it.
Whisper
"oh darling how I've missed you so"
In your ear
And think *finally

I wonder if stars worry they’re not bright enough
If even the sun with its life giving light
Feels dim sometimes in comparison to the others.
I wonder if we are all stars,
Beautiful to other people but unknowing in ourselves.
I know that even when my light dies out and I implode into a black hole,
It will take years for people to notice I’m a burned out nothing, floating in nothing.

How do I do this?
Push away everyone I love?
Prove the ones who hate me right?
How do I not
Go to pills
Or the pipe?
I would if I could,
I would if I could.
How do I not
Just leave my house
Or leave the earth.
I would if I had the courage.
If I had the guts.

But instead I force myself
Not even to cry
To just be silent
And still
As my head goes
******* insane.
I choose
What would seem impossible
To everybody else.
Control.

8:46 am*

I'm lying awake
Right now and I
Can't tell
If you're pretending to sleep
Thinking
There's no way in hell
I'm waking up right now
I think my want
For you woke me
Cause I woke up
And suddenly I needed you
Needed you like the
Clingy ***** I am
Needed you rocking in
And out of me
Telling me you loved me

I'm so warm because
Of this fire you have
Built
In my heart
My head
My thighs
And fingertips

I crack my eyes open
At 12 pm
To see a dark room
I lay there for an hour
Then spend my energy
Going downstairs
And sitting on the couch.
I take my daily Iron pill
But my mother knows
That an iron deficiency
Isn't what keeps me in bed.
I eat a little
And climb bak into bed.
I read,
I draw, I write.
I message him.
Sunny Summer Days?
My ***.

I feel my lonliness curl
Comfortably into my heart
Im the only one
Who wants to kiss my scars
Who wants to whisper
"you're beautiful" to me
I'm the only one
Who holds me at night
And I'm the only one
Who dries my tears away
I'm the one
Who entertains myself
With what ifs
And unforgivable cowardice
Of being turned down, and
Of being turned away.
I am my own lover.
And I will fall asleep with
My arms around me tonight.

I laid there in her arms and-
All I could think about was
How good she smelled and-
Her hand holding my shoulder
Moving up and down my arm and-
Her chest rising and falling
Beneath my ear and-
I couldn't wipe the nervous
Smile off my face and-
I don't have complete thoughts around her and-

Look at the ground
Keep your head down
Hands in your lap
And either a
"yes" or "I'm sorry"
Sitting on your lips
Listen to her words
She is your mother after all
She loovves you right?
Ignore the smart *** way
She tells you how she knows it
Better than you
Knows love better than you
Take it take it in
Cause if you don't
She can take it all away

Inside me
There's a little
Girl
Sitting in
My heart
With her head
Between her knees
And her
Heart carved out
of her chest
Inside me
There's a little
Girl
Screaming to get out
Yet begging
To hide
All
At
The
Same
Time.

I cannot let her out.
She will destroy me,
This little
Girl
Inside my
Heart.

In the arms of your memory
You carry me
Up in the big white clouds
Reality has lost its grip on me.

I can see him
Sitting in his ****** bed
With the frame missing
And his old dog
About to die laying down
Near the pillows.
He sits
With his struggle.
He opens his bottom drawer
And out he pulls
Two bottles of *****
A pipe
A pack of cigarettes
And old letters from his ex.
He looks at his phone,
Sees that I've messaged him.
He throws it all away.

*i promise I can save him

I feel my brain has disconnected from my body.
Every scentence I say, I regret. I am my
Worst
Critic.

I'm watching my life through
A window, my fingers balled up
Against the glass as I watch
Minuted hours and days pass.

I wish I could slip back into my
Body, but my hands feel like
I'm wearing gloves all the time.

Is this depression?

I sleep for 13 hours straight
Then don't sleep for almost 24.
My body is lost without my mind.

Is this depression?

I **** down cigarettes
Every **** day.
I hardly eat.
I can't remember my last meal.

Is this depression?

I cut myself to see if I could feel it.
I cannot feel it.
But its summer, and its ugly.
I don't like the way it heals.
I just like the way it bleeds.

Is this depression?

Love is such *******.
One day you're minding your own business
Then Bam!
You get a good look at them.
And your heart is setting fire
To the rest of your body.
Then you get to know what
Their kisses feel like
(Heaven on earth).
Get to know how they breathe
When they sleep.
How they eat.
How it feels when they touch you.
Make love to you.

You get comfortable in your love.
Confident.

Then you feel them pull away
And the fire is quenched by
A million gallons of salty water
And you're drowning.
You have to cry out all
The water to even get a good breath.
You're drowning and every time
You see them now
You pull deeper
Into the ocean you've created,
Sinking.

Sinking until you've reached the bottom of it
And you can't tell
Which way is up or down
Because you're living
In darkness for days.
Weeks.
Months.

And anyone that talks to you
Is on the surface,
Its all muffled.
You can barely hear them.

After six to twelve months,
The water begins to drain
And you can breathe again.
But the sky is gray
And your lungs are scarred.
And your heart is praying
To please not let it happen again.
Youve learned your lesson.
And love *****.

You're exactly the kind of girl
Who will give me amazing memories
Whispered secrets
Hickeys in spots only you can see
Then leave me
Act like it never happened
And be totally okay

And I'm so scared
Because you're the kind of girl
I promised myself I wouldn't fall for
But goddamnnit I haven't
Ever fallen this hard
In my life

Nobody is completely empty
When you are with your friends
Or loved ones.
Not completely.
It's there, of course.
That sad emptiness.
But not all the way.
It hits you on the bus ride home
When he sits across from you
And won't look at you.
It hits you when you wake up
From your naps.
It hits you when you're stuck
In nightmares
And then you scream and
It hits you when you
Think you
Might be happy
Enough to not want to die
But then it hits you
And you feel it all over again.
Flicker of hope diminished, just like that.

And I just want to touch her
Hold her
Kiss her
Because even though she is
Officially mine
I still feel like she is the
One that I'll never have

Jealousy
Makes my hands fists
And
Jealousy leaves
A bitter taste
In my mouth
It chokes my throat
And it clenches my
Stomach
Curls my lips
Jealousy
Makes me detest
The one I love

What do you want to do to me?
Grab my arm
Watch the skin turn red under your white fingertips
Kiss me, mark me, hate me, love me.
Every word you won’t say is written on my face.
I am your mirror.
Don’t look away.

I am hurting inside.
I want to let it out.
But it has nowhere to go.

We aren't even dating
We've talked for a whopping
11 days
And last night he said
Some pretty ******* serious things
And I asked him about
It this morning
And now I'm crying
Because he didnt mean it last night
God I'm so stupid
It's not like I love him.
It feels weird typing him.
I catch myself all the time
Wanting to put her
Instead.

Its okay if you cant be with me, I understand.
I'm still in love with her.
In fact, sometimes I wish you were her.
so its okay, I get it.

The cuts turned into scars
Months ago
But I still flinch when
The showers spray
Touches it

God you made me think my own father wouldn't love me
And now it's too late
She is with someone better than me now
Someone that's actually skinny
And so beautiful and tan
And she can dance
And she is wonderful
I hate her
I hate her
It's too late
I hate you

I've loved you since
We were in 7th grade,
And I'm a Sophomore now.
I havent been with you since January,
So for almost a year.
But my heart aches when I see you
And I think of all the possibilities
I could have with you again.
Your blond hair and brown eyes,
Crooked smile
And silly laugh.
Your forearms and your hands,
And I could openly admire
Your love for anything to do
With machines or mountains.
Ive loved you when you left me,
And when you ran away.
I have loved you since I was 12,
And I can't ever forget that day.
I have loved you for quite some time.
I can't imagine it being a youthful love,
When I'm not over you yet.

And the audience loves me
And I love them,
And they love me for loving them
And I love them for loving me,
And we all love each other
And that's because we didn't get enough
Love in our childhoods...
That's showbiz, kid.

I hope that I make her feel
So beautiful and ****
And that when she looks in the mirror
She sees a wonderful smile
And big unyielding eyes
I want her to see curves
And hips
And *****
And ***
And lips that know how to kiss
I want her to feel ****
Like I'm not worthy of even touching her
I want her to realize how beautiful
And perfect
Every corner of her body is
And I want her to delight
In her confidence
And I want her to walk with pride
And I want to show her off
To the whole ******* world
To yell "see! See?! She is perfect
And proud an I love her
And she is mine!"
And most of all,
I want her to believe it.

I wan to pull the trigger
And swallow the pills
I used to never
Cry at night
Every night
But now I guess I will
And I can't stop the tears
Cause I'm crying for me
And nobody else
I hate myself
And want it all to end
I want to be happy,
I really do,
I just don't know how.

His eyes
Upon your eyes
His hand
Upon your hand
His lips
Caress your skin
It's more than I can stand.

I think
I'm ******* crazy
Haven't even kissed him
For almost two years
I've feigned innocence
But god now
My best friend
Won't pick up the phone
Cause they're talking
I thought I wouldn't mind
But my chest is all tight
And my stomach is in knots
I want him all to myself
His face
And hands and everything
I want him all to myself
I have since 7th grade
God it's so true that with your
First love you fall hard

Yes, my jealousy
Certainly does
Whisper the cruelest things
Into my ear.
It holds my heart so tightly
It makes it hurt.
It touches my stomach
And it's as if it is curdling milk
Turning sour and hard under
Jealousy's touch.
It makes me feel
The most unimaginable
Evils in my head
And uses my fingers
To type the words
I never could say,
stay away.
Because the thought of you
And her
Makes me jealous.
Makes me hate a part
Of myself I didn't even know was there.

He leans his head back,
Closes his eyes.
Sighed.
"you drive me crazy.."
He sits up, looks out the window.
Mutters:
"and not the good kind of crazy."

I sit there, not caring.
All I can think of is how
Ill never be the good kind of anything.

Lindsey and Jacob.
Lindsey and Austin.
Lindsey and Mykayla.
Lindsey.
Lindey Harris
Lindsey Huitt
Lindsey Bradshaw.
My name is two syllables
Seven letters
And has 3 vowels in it.
I couldn't hate it more.

Can’t you feel it?
The slow yawn of time
Snapping it’s mouth shut.
Time
Chewed me up.
Spit me out.
Flesh, sinew, bones and hair.

Please, take me away from here.
I just need to get through this day,
This week,
This month,
This year.
I don’t know what I’m getting through.
What I’m going towards.

My heart beats a death march drum,
My fingers scrolling through a death feed.

Distract me.
I want to close my eyes and rest.
I never seem to wake up refreshed.

Letting his words hit me
As hard as his fists do.
"Could those snarling lips
Have caressed my skin as
Sweetly as they had
The day before?
And those hands, now
Balled into fists, had I
Really felt protected by their touch?
His eyes, glistening with hate,
How could they have sparkled
In sight of me.
No, not possible.
Married for 5 years, with a
Child on the way."

I am sitting alone in my bedroom.
I just got off work.
My boyfriend is still gone.
Nobody is home.
In this infinitely finite pocket of time,
It almost feels as if I do not exist.

The bedroom door is closed,
I picture space and nothingness beyond it.
It surrounds my room,
It creeps in my head.
This cage of loneliness does not leave.

I know right now,
Nobody is thinking of me.
Nobody is wishing they were next to me.
If I were to just disappear,
Nobody would notice.
That is freeing, and terrifying.

Consciousness is a cage
I do not wish to live in anymore

I leave an imprint
On the world.
Small, I know.
But those who do know
Of what imprint I leave...
Well, they
Wish they didn't.