And if I were
To die tonight
I'd die alone.

I'm sorry.
There, it is said.
I'm wrong.
You're right.

Over a year of
Kisses and
Hugs
And first times
And flowers.
Over a year of
Holding hands
And shivering skin
And laughs
And memories.
I'll never forget
All that you have given me.
Thank you. ❤

First man I've ever seeked
****** approval from
No other guy has laughed
When I touched his belt

Without her
I'm thrown into this huge sea
Of firsts.

I feel the night take a different taste
The kind that only happens when it’s late
I lick my teeth, and swallow it down,
Letting danger curve my lips
And sink into the swing of my hips

I see you’re still doing ******,
I hope when you pick at your face
You’re still just “having fun”
I hope that when the doctor told you
You have *** from sharing needles
You laughed it off and didn’t cry
I hope that when you look in the mirror
And come face to face with
What you have become
You can smile triumphantly and say
“Wow I sure showed her”

The track marks run all over your body
Places I used to touch for hours,
Your hands and wrists and arms and thighs
Seeing you like this
Makes me want to cry

Seeing something I loved
Become so broken

I want to be a beautiful creature,
Whose eyes sparkle and whose smile
Makes others smile.
I want to be a poet, a writer, a
Down to earth artist that isn't ******.
I want to be beautiful.
I want to enjoy drinking coffee and tea,
I want to smoke my cigarettes and make
People think, "**** I want to kiss that mouth."
I want my soul to be open
And each hand that cradles it, or
Flips through its pages,
Feel the thickness in its papers
And the weight of its words.

I want photographers to take pictures
Of my hands and the way I stand,
Look at them over and over again,
Plaster them against their walls
And grin when they see them.

But do you know what I really want?
Even if the world hates the way I talk,
Hates the way I laugh, walk, and exist,
I want you to love all of these things about me.

I want you to think that I'm a good writer
With a good soul.
I want you to take pictures of me because
Even though we are together forever-
You just need to capture this moment forever too.
I want you to hold my soul in your hands
And plant kisses upon the dog eared pagers.
I want you to bring flowers to my work, yes,
And I want you to love me like today is our last.

Instead,
You carry my heart and soul around in your back pocket, sit on it and only take it out and unfold it and read its contents when you're bored.
You hate poetry, you hate my poetry,
And you hate the way I love it.
You never take pictures of me
Because you don't think I am beautiful enough
To be captured in these moments together.

So the whole world hates me and you don't mind me.

I pretend not to mind me either.

My arms ache
The space where her
Slim body fell into perfectly
Aches
My arms don't know what
To do
Since they don't hold you.
My fingers long
To touch your sweet face
And move your soft hair
Behind your ears.
My eyes are tired
Of this dismal scene
That is called "this world"
Because they only see you
In pictures-
It isn't enough.
My heart,
Oh my heart
How it aches
So deeply
To know that
Your heart was its.
Two halves
Fit together perfectly
Your neck was made
For my head
Your lips made
For my kiss
Your fingers made
To lace through mine
Oh how I wish
You were mine.
But now
I am left aching.

He slaps down
A ten dollar bill
Mutters "Marlboro 100s."
I set down
A chocolate bar
And give the cashier two dollars.
He looks so unhappy
So I ask why.
"addiction,
Little girl.
I've tried pulling myself away
From her-"
And he takes a deep breath
"cigarettes.
But they pull me back in.
A word from the wise..
Never do something too much,
Even if it's just for the
'fun' of it.
That's how addiction drags you in."
He lights up in the store
And gets kicked out,
I look at my candy bar.

Stay down
Let her tears
Roll down her cheeks

Don't wipe them away
She needs to feel the pain
To realize she is not okay

People in love happy and healthy
Can still be broken inside
Just because she can smile
Doesn't mean she can't cry

Sometimes
I dont even want to live
Each breath hurts my lungs
Labored and uneasy

And some days
I can feel my heart
Shrinking and
Turning into stone

I remember bursting
With life to the point
I felt I was going to
Tear out of my own skin

Now I feel I've shrunk
To my lungs and hurting heart
Because that's all I can feel

The airport
Has a clean smell
That furls into your nose
And on your jacket
And it reaches your
Mind
And your
Heart
The smell
Causes years
It wants you to leave
It wants you to stay
It's the smell of departure
Hopeful and new
Or old and tired
It's leaving
Forever
Or just a couple weeks
It's vacation
And loss
It's departure.

Are you in love with your depression?

Because I sure am with mine. My life
Is a sunny day and ice water right now.
Yet I still see clouds touching the mountains.

I wonder what brought me to jump at every crack
On the sidewalk.

So I trace my steps back and reopen every healed scar along the way,
And laugh at the lies I told myself about life being okay.

I wonder how I got here, laying next to a 6'4" beautiful giant who is in love with me,

And I wonder if I love him for him or if I love him for loving me.

I can't ruin it this time.

I have been on here quite awhile.
So here are some facts:
I have really long blond hair
I'm not super skinny but I'm not fat either.
Some say I have a beautiful smile.
Others say I need braces.
I have freckles
That only come out in the summertime
And I'm straight.
My only exception is Mykayla.
We've been together for over a year.❤
I can't find any drive to do school
I feel tired
And worn out but
I'm only 15...
I like to write poetry
But I love to read it more
And I have no idea what I want
In the future
And I'm scared
And intimidated
To go to college
And I want to cry
About things but I can't
And the world is too big for me
And I hate money
But love it at the same time
I feel like my country is too proud (America)
And I am a worrier
Who loves to bury her face
In books
And pillows
I can live my fantasy world
For years,
Reading keeps me awake
It makes my mind keep on going and going
These nights I stay up late
I can close my eyes
It's 12:11 am
And I've got school in the morning
But my head is too full
It is all the time
I'm exhausted
But I haven't raised a pinky
I want the world handed to me
But I'm too lazy to reach

Be who you want to be.
Love who you want to love.

Wear what you want,
Kiss who you want,
Say what you want.

It doesn't matter if you
Are straight or lesbian
Or gay or bi or trans
Or ace or pan.

It doesn't matter if you
Are white or black
Or Asian or Mexican.

Be who you want to be.
Own who you are.
And if you have to burn a few
Bridges to become who you
Truly are,

Then those bridges that were burned
Never really mattered
In the first place.

I want her hands
To be all mine
And her soft
Perfect kiss to be only mine
I need her body
To be mine
Jealousy wrecks my brain
To imagine him on her

We all want to be loved
By ones we couldn't care for
We all want to be hated
By the ones we don't bother with
We all want to be wanted
By our first true love
But we are loved by the wronged
And hated by our true love,
And the ones we don't bother with
Don't bother with us either.

12-14: Jacob Harris.
14-16: Mykayla Bradshaw.
16: Raymond Crawford.
16: Gin Berry.
16: Mickaela Maxwell.
17-present: Khayllia Harrell.

I gave Jacob my Innocence.
I gave Mykayla my Trust.
I gave Ray my Self-esteem.
I gave Gin my Confidence.
I gave **** my Hope.
I am giving Khayllia my Brokenness.

You still remember
How to get to her house
Her sisters house
Her grandmas house
You still remember
Her whispering about fireworks
After you two kissed
You still remember
Her dancing and singing
The way her chest rose and fell
Beneath your hand
Her heartbeat in your ear
You still remember
Holding her as she cried
And all the times
You pulled away when she
Pulled towards
You still remember asking for breaks
And her sitting
Next to her door rocking
Back and forth
Asking how you could do this
After you had kissed someone else
You still remember
The last note
And you can't remember
The last kiss
Because you had been so sure
That it couldn't ever be
A last kiss

How am I
Nothing
Besides
Wrong

I sleep wrong
Smile wrong
Work wrong
**** wrong

Nothing in my life is right

Hands scratching on wooden tables
Feet tapping on floors
Hearts going a million miles an hour
But feels too constrained

Tossing and turning at night
Tiredness at the back of the brain
Can't freak out
Or scream out again

Curling into a ball
Slow breathing slow down
In and out
Hate that sound

Open eyes to dull sky
Cold toes under blankets
Restless head on pillow
Refuse to get up.

I'm wrapped up in his arms
His kiss
His smile
This is the only time
That I don't feel alone

The burn of the alcohol
Is burning all my memories
Away

Into my room and out the window
Little pictures on fire
Smoke in my lungs
Crying softly
Begging the emptiness
To come and take it all away

All I want to do is get drunk
And forget what her face looks like
After we get done kissing
I want to forget how nice her laugh
Sounded against my ear
I need to forget how we'd lay in bed
And just hold each other tight
How she'd say "I love you"
And how she actually meant it
I need to forget everything
In my ******* life

If there is anybody
On this website
That wants to talk to me,
Please do.
I just need anybody.
Crying out for help.

Who gives a **** about the clothes you wear or the color of your skin or the way you talk or who you love or what ink you have or how you do your makeup or what weight you are or what you got pierced because none of it should matter.

We should give a **** about what you've accomplished and how you choose to express yourself and what you want to be not who you were or are.

All of society is thinking about how the outside reflects the inside, and it does. But people think you have to have a certain kind of outside to have a good inside; formal clothes, formal speaking, no criminal record, a certain skin color, a certain sexuality, no visible tattoos and dear god take that piece of metal out of your nose.
And if you don't have the right outside, you are not professional enough, not smart enough, and you don't care enough.

Well excuse me. I didn't know I had to care so much I had to hide who I really am.

My fingertips tremble
Upon her smooth skin
My breath falters
As my lips touch hers
My tongue curls in pleasure
At the taste of her
My body turns to her
Every pleasure
And I couldn't be
More in awe
Than I am
Of her and her beauty.

I smell the liquor
On his breath
And see the confused anger
In his eyes.
I hear him yell at my mom
And I hear him hit her.
I run and hide under my bed.
I start crying.
I should be brave enough to go out there
And save mommy.
I hear his stumbling footsteps
Get closer and closer.
"don't you dare touch him!"
I hear with a smack.
Then my mom slowly slides to the floor.
My door opens.
I see his feet.
He starts laughing and his hand snakes
Under my bed and grabs my neck.
Jeremiah.
He scoops me up and lets me sit
On my old creaky bed.
He covers my eyes and grabs
My hands
And he picks me up
And for a minute I'm weightless,
Flying through the air
Until crash
I slump against the wall.
I feel his fist. Again and again.

"baby josh? Baby Josh it's okay honey
It's just a dream"...
I am holding onto auntie kk's shirt tight.
I bury my face into her warm neck an she hugs me.
She kisses my head.
"Jeremiah."
I cry.
"I know honey. He's gone. He's gone."

Everybody around me
Walks in warm sand
That is sturdy enough
To Hold them up
And Just the right
Amount if clingy
That sticks to your
Cheeks and legs
And torso.

I walk in
Cold sand
That swallows me whole
And let's me fall
And it clogs my
Ears so I cant hear
And scratches my eyes
So I am blind
It runs to my lungs
Through my nose and my mouth
So I cannot breathe.

Because I need you
That's all I know
Oh my god
I need you
I need to kiss you
In front of everybody
I need to hold you
While your walking
To let everybody know
That I can have
Something as beautiful as you

There's beauty in
Every last kiss,
And in every fight,
A certain beauty
In every new love
And breakup,
Beauty in
Red wine
And smoking
The last cigarette from your pack...
There's beauty
In the morning sky
And in your lovers eyes,
It's in
Tanning out in the sun
And hot chocolate.
The beauty of life
Is in each smile
And it's in
Being naked and close
With someone you love.
It's waking up next to them
And being so happy
They didn't leave.

She cups my face
Kisses my nose
My forehead
My cheeks
My chin
Finally my lips
She pulls away
Opens her eyes
And whispers
*you are so beautiful
In every single way

Just **** this.
**** THIS.

Oh my where does the time go?
It's after midnight,
The clothes are strung
On the kitchen floor.
You're tasty as a cake,
A recipe I long to taste...
I want to drink you sober,
Want you to feel you move,
Want you to be my lover....
Oh no make no mistake,
For I am just a cat
Dressed up as a hungry snake
A delicate reprieve,
Something to serve my every need...

She runs up to me
All five feet of her
Her chestnut hair
Glowing silkily
And her dainty
But strong arms wrap around me
And she rests her head on my shoulder.
"I'll miss you"
She says
And I can hear the tears in her voice
And I will miss her too
This girl
I have grown up with
Now off for her junior year
In college,
I will miss you too
My only big sister
Who I look up to so much.
I'll miss you.

My feelings have been bottled up for years
My mind is heavy with thoughts
Stretching back so far I have no memories,
Just feelings and moments

When I drink they crowd around
And whisper the darkest things
I wonder if what they say is true

I eat and eat and eat
Till my stomach distends
And when I burp I feel the pressure
Feeling so full
Is the only thing that makes me feel...full

It's a little bit scary
No--
******* terrifying
To know that
I can be the happiest person alive
For a moment
Then feel nothing at all the next

I really hate all of you on here.
Your poems ****.
"poor me and my sadness"
"I cut myself"
This place is all about desperate love
And cigarettes and scars
And him or her
Well good for you
But I don't see any happiness
Just the same thing over and over
" I smoke"
"lines across my arm"
"him. You thought of somebody."
Soo original.

Who knew I'd be so bitter? I should be happy for her, but all I feel is a strange and sour taste in my mouth. She is doin amazing. Amazing.
It makes me feel like I've been holding back.
Like I'm the one who has stopped her from doing these great things.
God, she works out. She has kissed somebody else. Now somebody knows what it feels like to have her wonderful lips against yours.

And my mother tight lipped smile
My fathers "I don't even want to know"
Makes it obvious Im the black sheep.
My sister is an ivy league college girl
And my brother is so smart and the favorite,
But I'm the one who has fallen in love
And has taken the price for it twice.
I see the disappointment in their eyes
Feel them shadow me away
As if me dating another girl
Is the worst thing possible.
Once I can leave this godforsaken house
I will be free
To love her freely.

What is depression?
I could have sworn
My depression was seasonal
It only came with the snow
And the cold.
But the grass is green
And the sun is warm
But my heart
Feels like it isn't even there
My hands don't feel like they're mine
My head is a blank page
I don't really talk to anybody
Except him.
He is good.
But it feels as if I have no friends.

I love the feel of
Her bony hips
Shivering underneath my fingertips.

I light a candle
But he lights a blunt
Five bowls in a row
Breathe in breathe out
this is what relaxing is about

Kiss the smoke off his lungs
As his tongue rolls
Down your neck and collarbone
Breathe in breathe out
This is what a "fun time" is about

I'm still so
Lost
Inside my
Emotions

I don't even know
What to feel anymore

If I'm being honest
I think my
***** is outweighing
My heart or head.

I feel like I'm cheating
When I kiss him
Or hold his hand
I feel so guilty
When I'm happy
And content in his arms
I feel like I'm cheating
On you with him
And all the things you do for her
You never did with me
Makes me feel justified
My ****** up head
My ****** up life
***** this

You're beautiful.
I love you.
I love you and you're beautiful
I couldn't care less
About
Jacob or Luke
Or whoever comes along
Because you're beautiful
And I love you.
I love playful kisses
And I love watching you dance
I love you and you're beautiful
So beautiful it hurts for a second
And then I look at you
And realize
Im right here, next to you.
And I realize
I don't want anybody but you.
**** the others.
You're beautiful
And
I
Love
YOU.

Dear Christina,

I love it. I love the fact I have her, and you do not. It must **** you, seeing me with her. That you cannot kiss her or touch her the way I do. And you don't know all her secrets like I do. You don't know her at all. It must be eating away at you. I love it, because I hate you. *******. I am the one she wants and I am the one she loves. You'll never now half as much as I know. You'll never see her face after a long kiss, or feel her body curve into yours. You'll never see her naked and vulnerable, with big blue eyes looking up and long dark hair spilling over her shoulders. You'll never, ever know. And I smile richly at that. I despise you. Go to ******* hell. Leave her be, and leave us alone. ******* skitch.

You weren't good for me
The way a cigarette isn't good for anyone

I wanted to **** you in
And breathe you out slow
Use you up
Until all you were was trash

But surprise
In the end
You drug me down with you
And now I've got
To go to the doctors
For all these new scars
I've got on my legs
To match the marks you left
On my lungs

Laying in my bed
Full of disappointment
At 10:24 pm
Cause you were supposed to
Be here next to me
But instead you're out
With a bottle on your lips
And powder around your nose

I knew you'd be bad for me
But ****

I just want
To be able to have him
And him
And her
And him.
I'm a needy greedy
Grabby jealous *****.
So what?
Love me.