This isn't the first time,
I let go of you
only to bring you back in
I know I tease your heart
fill it with hope when you see me
drain it completely,
every time I go

This isn't the first time,
I've told you I loved you
crying wolf --
telling you a lie
that even I try to believe

but I don't love you
and I know I never will
but Boy, if I could...
and there I go again

I want to be alone,
In a home all my own
a place only I can go
with a porcelain tub
and a vault of red wine
little white picket fence
enclosing my perfect sanctuary
keeping all the bad out
letting only the good in

It was the weight of it,
which caused me to crumble
shook my tired hands loose
forced me to let go
until I laid there crushed,
flattened face first on the ground
too tired to move
too afraid to peel myself from the floor
and stretch my weary arms towards the sky

Where are you, God?
sit with me here
by the river bank
watch me wade in deep
and be taken by the current
washed out into the ocean
caught between the tides
the coming and going
the to and form
in, out, and away
bits of me dispersing through the water
until I am nothing at all

I breathe in deeply and shut my eyes
gripping tightly to reality
trying my best to stay present
until it passes
until the monster leaves me
I stay still, hiding beneath the covers
safely stable in my permanent cocoon
I will not break free from this -- become the butterfly
but I will survive it
even if I am not really living

I know,
where it hurt
when your life was taken
your heart, shattered into oblivion
left you unable to see
or, speak
or even exist at all

Since then,
you have been a doll
a barbie placed neatly,
in your dream house
wearing an apron and a perfect smile
withering beneath
the plastic exterior

I sit,
with your heart,
in my heart
and I know you're tired

Look within me
look through all of the soft spots,
sharp corners
study every space and piece

what do you see?

Do you see someone who loves --
or someone who hates?
Can you see my demons?
The pain and the shame?

Do you see yourself?

I am a woman
product of the white devil
proud to be reborn
to redefine,
reflect,
and repurpose myself
as a lover of God
and to see the light in every being