This dark storm has been wreaking havoc within me for so long.  

It starts by twisting my thoughts and feelings upside down,  

Bending the truth so that all that remains are lies.

Then it tightens my chest and my throat

Making it nearly impossible to catch a breath,  

I pant, pant, pant, just for a single breath of air.  

This tornado lands on my ribcage and settles there a while,  

weighing what seems to be a thousand pounds.  

Breathe, breathe, breathe, please!  

Then the destructor settles on my eyes and covers them,  

making it difficult to focus my sight and see clearly,  

The reality around me blurs,  

see, see, see, now...  

Now it decides to zap my body  

so that I shake, shake, shake as if it's 0° outside.  

I curl up into myself and roll back and forth.  

Through all this movement in my body,  

the lies never stopped waging war in my mind.  

Like the sounds of swords being sharpened before battle,  

the terrifying noise sends a shudder to my very bones.  

My body and mind are so weak and tired from this relentless torment.  

At the first signs of battle, I try to fight back with the truths I've been told since my youth,  

but the enemy keeps pulling and pulling at me.  

Little by little, my strength wears down,  

and the only response I can seem to find to the lies is...

Submission.

these same negative thoughts are on an endless loop in my head,
not constant, but nearly,
any hint of sarcasm or negative comments about me begin the whole process of self-destruction and hatred in my head.
when i get out of the loop, i just feel tired and numb,
like i just got done with a fist fight and came away with a few bruises and cuts on my face and fists.
i believe in a God who heals, but its hard to hold on to hope and to see the good in myself when I feel like a constant burden due to these fistfights in my mind.
any positive affirmation feels like a bandaid put on my deep cuts and bruises, somewhat helpful but they can't fix the damage already done.

last night i told you all the spiralling thoughts i had Tuesday night,
all the crying and feelings of weakness and helplessness,
the thoughts of not being good enough, self-harm, and so much more.

you cried and held me tight.
i felt numb, but i felt bad that i made you cry.
that vulnerability and knowing that you really see me makes me uncomfortable.
it makes me wonder how you could possibly love me if you truly see me,
because how i see me, i don't see how that's possible.
but nonetheless, somehow you do,
which i know is a testament of God's love and work through you,
but i don't understand it.

sometimes i wonder if he loves me more than i love him,
if he loves me more than he ought for who i am,
and yet in other moments i think he doesn't enough,
that he doesn't truly care at all.

i thought these doubting and overthinking thoughts would be gone by now, over a year into our relationship and engaged,
yet, my brain persists to doubt.

i remember the days when i'd spend hours painting, journalling, just enjoying being alone,
and now...i'm afraid of the thoughts that may enter my head during those spaces.
constant spirals of reminders of all that is or could be broken inside of me.
i'm told of god's grace and love,
and i know these truths,
but to truly believe is completely different.
how do i stop striving to make myself holy?
lovable?
good enough?
why can't it just be a simple switch one can turn on and off?
it's a whole new rewiring of neurons and thought patterns.
where do i even begin to change?
it seems so daunting and overwhelming

words cannot describe this woman i know,
but I will try anyways.

this girl has been by my side for 6 years now,
she's seen me at my lowest and at my highest.

i believe God put her in my life to bring me closer to Him,
and to learn how to love more like Jesus, to love Gilmore Girls, to lean into my passions, and so much more.

what more can I say about this woman?
she's truly a gift from God to all who meet her.
she lights up the room as she walks in, she loves God so much, she loves others fiercely, she has so much depth and creativity bottled up inside her, compassion flows through her words, she is one of the smartest people I know and one of the best examples of selflessness I've ever seen.

there is so much more to this girl right here,
but words, a man-made concept, things made up of a few letters here and there, are simply not enough to capture an amazing creation like that of Katrina.

i grew up watching the movies and shows
with the sweet, grounded girl
who saves the reckless boy.

the boy tries to run away because
of his past and his fears,
but the girl always helps him come back.

i always thought i'd be the girl,
but with us,
i'm the one who fights feelings
of just wanting to run away,
you're the one who brings me back
and listens to what i'm scared of.