when you
       so dear to me
      do hurt me
a pinpoint *****
is a razor’s slashing edge
       make gashing wounds
       and bleeding drains me
       bound scars to testify
       to the hurt
       the doer do magnify
i flee my brittle tiny shell
and don the mask of mirth
but fleeing never find
a chambered nautilus
which i would exchange for mine
       a twig is bent
       a leaf is fallen
       a grain of sand is lost
       a page is torn
       teardrop falls
       a lost one calls
when trust has grown
when choice is blind
when reason cannot reason
       a little twist
       a careless wink
       an unintended turnabout
              eats up a painful way
              to the heart that loves.

lιғe wнere do ι even вegιn?
wнen ι тнιnĸ oғ lιғe ι тнιnĸ oғ a new вegιnnιng
ι ѕee cнangeѕ ι ѕee a pυrpoѕe
мy world ѕтarтѕ тo evolve aroυnd ѕoмeтнιng good
ι ѕтarт wanтιng мore oυт oғ тнιngѕ ι dιdnт wanт в4
вυт wнy ι aѕĸ ιт? вecaυѕe ι ĸnow ι only goт one lιғe тo lιve or ιѕ ιт вecaυѕe ι нave an acтυal dreaм тo accoмplιѕн.

Being alone
is not that bad
A peace of mind you have at last
Sometimes
People are such a nuisance
That I wish to withdraw from them
Alone I can do nothing
But I could be in relief from other people's expectations

In this apartment where I reside
Away from the world, my mind twist & twirls
The thoughts I harbour, balanced between believer & sinner
Anger & hope / fearful & fearless, inward fight yet outward glow
Regardless of loss & of the cost, I pray for increase, peace & Satan's marauding of life-state of mind to decrease
Eli-Gone

The darkness in my soul, never left.
It was always there
It was suppressed when you where here
And filled me up when you left

The darkness in my soul
Plagued what I hold most dear
Infected my heart
Infected my brain
It growed into a tumor, and latched untill it became a part of me.
You see my dear, you where the sun in my sky. The angel of me.
And I? Hehehe.... I was just the demon in you, killing what you wanted to be...

Draw upon the breath of stars, and scorch my heart with fiery scars

        Scars that linger from my past. A past that lies with lies and outcasts

     Tied to fears of fearing flaws...insecure…. like never before.



           Paradise, a sweet reprise to heartfelt sighs and moonlit nights

Starlit sheets and reddened cheeks, eye to eye and tightened thighs.

             A face that takes my breath away.

              A heart to steal my soul today.

             A smile to stop the world from spinning

                    A laugh to make my head start swimming.



       Disarmed, with you in my arms words lose all meaning.

    Eyes pierce mine and landmine my mind

                    Lips seal mine and line my life with diamonds

             Priceless and unbreakable diamonds.



                             A gemstone life.

Emerald eyes. Pearl skin, Morganite lips and flawless fingertips



Overdosed on what I want most, coming close to those and doting shows.

It shows through rose tinted sight and might just last if lasting lasts at last.



     Dreamlike days and sleepless nights have shrouded my sight with blinding light

                     My eyesight has been gored.

                            Just one more day until my sight is restored.

                        By she who has been long adored.

Oh sleepless night, why are your eyes red? Oh sleepless night, why do you gasp every time you close your eyes? Oh sleepless night, why are you paranoid? Oh sleepless night, oh sleepless night has all the sheep died, because you only see a fence without sheep to count? Oh sleepless night, do you want to talk about it? Oh sleepless night, why do you talk to yourself, have you finally lost it? Oh sleepless night, I think you have and I think I know why! Oh sleepless night, we are one, so really I'm just asking myself these questions. Oh sleepless night, was it because I heard my dad beating my mom? Oh sleepless night is it because I had a baby sitter that sexually assaulted me? Oh sleepless night, is it because after the baby sitter was asleep I killed him? Oh sleepless night,  Oh sleepless night, is it because I get bullied at school? Oh sleepless night, what do I have in my hand right now? Oh sleepless night, I tell you the truth I'm done with you. Oh sleepless night, Oh sleepless night, all it would take is a simple click...click...Boom!!!

She might laugh if she read this
at the flat little version of her
that lives in my mind.
She may laugh
at my comparison of her
to a hideous sea spider
but hear me out
it could be touching.

David Foster Wallace wrote:
“Since pain is a totally subjective mental experience
we do not have direct access
to anyone or anything’s pain but our own;
and even just the principles
by which we can infer that others experience pain
and have a legitimate interest in not feeling pain
involve hard-core philosophy—
metaphysics, epistemology, value theory, ethics.”

"[Lobsters] do have an exquisite tactile sense,
one facilitated by hundreds of thousands of tiny hairs
that protrude through their carapace.
Although encased
in what seems a solid, impenetrable armour,
the lobster can receive stimuli and impressions from without
as readily as if it possessed a soft and delicate skin.”

and so

“We lift lobsters out of the bag
or whatever retail container they came home in
…whereupon some uncomfortable things start to happen.
However stuporous the lobster is from the trip home, for instance,
it tends to come alarmingly to life when placed in boiling water."

As much as I cannot comprehend the pain
of the exquisitely tactile lobster
in a *** of boiling water,
I wonder if I could
walk a mile in a lobster’s 8 minuscule shoes
and I wonder
what it might mean or not mean to her
with her armoured yet acute exoskeleton
to be back at home with her father.

They might try to butter you up
or snap elastic bands
around your oversized claws
and use a wooden spoon
to try and nudge your thrashing, clinging arms
back into the ***,
but remember:
lobsters can live to be over 100 years old
and grow to over 20 pounds in size
which is very large for an aquatic insect
and remember that they are marine crustaceans of the family Homaridae, characterized by five pairs of jointed legs, the first pair terminating in large pincerish claws.

And DFW famously said,

“Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.”

and he's not a lobster either