I keep searching and searching
Still left with nothing
Yet I have everything,
Can it get more confusing?
Wait, I’ll try to explain..
But do you know ?
How tiring it is to explain something
You don’t even know.
Oh wait, guess I was born miserable
Or maybe I have painted it blue with my own hands.
Depicting sky scraping boundaries
With no stairs to lead.
God knows I tried, tried so hard to climb
Even with my broken limbs,
And everytime I stretched my hands
It got tangled in a mess of nothingness.
The mirage smashed to smithereens.

At this time, that unrealistic hope was more real than ever.
Moving further back, fading into the deep.
Leaving me on ground zero.
Determined to catch I swam across the seven seas.
Blinded by rapacity, I didn’t see the dead end cliff.
Only this time I gifted myself to the gravity.
As I fall freely from the cliff so high above
I closed my eyes as I called for one I fear the most
I prayed and prayed for the inescapable faith
Shared by all knows as death.
Like always, my prayers remain unheard.
Despite that how can I forget!
It was I who was holding the brush,
Changing canvases, one after another.
For all I know, I’m a sinner.
And I shouldn’t be alive,
Yet I’m more human than ever.
Playing a part that was unasked for.

Now my soul is darkened from all the blood that it bleed.
There’s nothing left of me.
Stop! I say bending on my knees,
I know I’m in the wrong, but can’t you see?
Everything is too much to endure.
And living is the utmost punishment for a sinner like me.
Dear lord, will you ever set me free ?

Time is our invention
giving us a place
in the continuum of life
from our birth to our death.
Time charts our placement
on its' straight-lined course
as today becomes yesterday
and tomorrow replaces today
after day after day after day
Time harnesses the infinite
Reigning into perspective
The billions of eons
behind and before us
the spectrum of the universe
Time is ordered Reality
imposed on disordered Space
expanding and contracting
to an immeasurable rythm
The heartbeat of space

When we look into each other's eyes
You say  the constellations are in mine
If so, I gaze upon the galaxies in thine.

and I would give everything I have to see your eyes light up like streetlamps and you know that time in summer where the steady glow from daylight merges into night time and the breeze dances along the leaves of trees too tall like ballerinas; so gentle if you blink you’ll miss the sway of them? that’s what you remind me of.

you are a glow, an indian sunset and I long to be the sea your sun shine kisses and when your glow transcends into moonlight I long to be the stars who are accompanied by your effervescent light night after night and you know to me you will always be a ******* sunset when you should be rainfall: you pour down on everything I love and leave puddles;  you cause unapologetic floods in the crevices of my collarbones and attach your saltwater to the follicles of my hair and you warp the words on the pages of love letters I never sent and when you fall down my cheeks my teardrops and your raindrops will merge and for a moment we will become one and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. to be one with you. to be a ******* indian sunset in your illuminous eyes.

I keep running through the hallways of my mind and your voice is bouncing off the walls and echoing straight through my chest and there’s a thudding that gets louder and louder, like bongo drums, every time and I’m pretty sure my heart is now a gallery of us, open for public consumption and they can walk along the hallways and appreciate the beauty of our profound love like you never could.

one day you will find someone who melts your heart into your veins until it feels like the oxygen around your body is trapped and screaming for you to try to breathe, try to breathe harder and you’ll scream for them and they’ll stop returning your calls and there’ll be no texts and everything you once had will sink – almost in slow motion, almost as intangible as the idea that I loved you harder than anyone ever could – a ship where you’re the only person aboard and you’ll be watching an indian sunset like you watched their fingertips trace the curvature of your hips for the last time and you’ll realise in that moment that they were your indian sunset and man, don’t you just wish for some rainfall?

Through one eye I see you
You're head is held high and eyes flashing with that dead glazed look
Through one eye I see your scars beneath your clothes and the dried tears upon your checks
And through one eye I see your regrets and the strength you have earned from them
The little girl watching believes you are a role model one to be followed, she plays the sports I play, she's on honor role, she's in all these clubs....
The class thinks she's joke in all the AP classes studying and still not being as good as they....
The mother looks and she sees her daughter growing into a young lady, finally blossoming intellectually, physically, and emotionally....
The father watches as his little girl fades away and a stranger is replaced one who will break his heart but mend it back together....
Brother notices her strange odd behaviors he is not around as much anymore, he realizes that the bond is fading....
I look at my reflection and see a 17 year old girl, trying her hardest to achieve in life and make a difference. I see a young women who is terrified of the real world but ready to take it head on. I see a women who knows what she wants, and what she deserves. I see a girl who has broken and cried so many times inside yet never breaks free. I see a million things, and still, not one of them, is good enough,
for Me.

When I'm not drunk
I wish I was
When I am drunk
I wish I wasn't

And really
I don't know how to feel

In the perpetual midnight hour
of a life too long
comes a sudden pause
that takes even the most strong.

In the stars
and in the trees;
in the wildest fantasies
the rhythm of my heart
seeks to know
the reason only yours to own.

The stories of your presence
has tainted my ears;
your sweetness has left my heart in tears.
The talks travel wide,
they travel deep,
as if through sunlight,
into my darkest soul,
they do seep.

The light, it burns; it scatches and sears.
It cuts right through these sculptured bones
- out come my secrets and my fears.
And as it does the work it wants,
my mind keeps running further off.
You deserve more than this.
You deserve more than me.
But just this once I must plead...

...come to me now,
for I am ill.
Come to me now,
if only for my good will.

Alas.
In the words of birds
and in the songs of gypsies
I have looked and found none;
save for knowing: in the last and final hour,
this life and its meaning,
without your touch, will ever sour,
making my world come undone.

For there is no more a song to sing;
there is no more left for a sigh to breathe.
In the darkness of the night,
as my truest soul seeks light,
I catch the last breath and hold it near,
and think "If I don't find you soon,
the worst, I do fear".

After the towers fell,
My father went off to war,
12 months later he brought back the battlefield
We didn’t talk about it much as it just hung there,
Afraid of the left over land mines, we would tiptoe
around the room, through the kitchen, back to bed.
-
My mother is a bottle,
Empty now but the glass corpse still outlines her frame,
4 years sober, going on 5 after her brother click-clacked his way out of our lives,
I tattooed the day he passed on my arm,
1. to remember him and 2. to know that today is better than what my life once was,
-
I read somewhere that conversations are like knife fights,
Ive chosen my words carefully like dull blades,
So if I am ever to strike a nerve it won’t leave anyone bleeding,
I am afraid of blood.
I hate the smell,
the taste, the color of the stains it leaves,
The consistency,
I am afraid of bleeding,
I am too vulnerable in this world to hurt anymore,
Every breath closer to the minute i’ll break,
I am afraid to break and i worry about how many pieces I will leave in my wake
and if anyone will be there to pick them up and glue me back together,
Today I am happier than most days in these past years,
She has taught me patience,
All I worry about now is losing her warmth