I sit and stare at the fragments of myself around me
utter demise of the mask I've worn for so long
long past helplessness and crying
numb in the detachment of who I thought I am
no appetite for life
lost in a haze of dissociation
disconnection in the prison of my mind
the world goes by in an unfamiliar pace
I'm finely broken
I can no longer hold myself together
exhausted with trying
intrusive thoughts dragging my weak body down
time to face what I've hidden from

It's all a haze
a frustrating haze
feeling too much
thinking so deeply
I see the outside life
the routine
the race
a bystander watching
the life we're all abosrbed into
I can't explain
I can't put into words
It's too big
too complex for the limit of our vocabulary
I'm left here in a haze
looking for the words
truth will never just be there
hidden
behind the focus we are taught to see
I'm trying to see
It's all a haze

My mind, my Alaska
wild and rugged
beautiful but brutal
survival first
burying my demons
is the wolf that kills just a puppy?
have I finally reached the land so untouchable and wild?
isolated and hidden waiting to be found
an eternal place
buried deep in Alaska where no one goes
protection in isolation leading only to confusion
you show yourself piece by piece
then you run back into the woods
unsettled and unpredictable
it may erupt at any time
beauty built on violence
torn apart and broken
you lay there bleeding until you're ripped apart and eaten
white powder of purity falls on you
serene in your silence
you become uninhabited
and suddenly you're back to protecting
cold to touch
but you're safe for now
hiding in the wilderness of Alaska

who are you?

I fear living for someone
centring someone in my universe
I fear not not wanting to be alone
constant noise in my silence
I fear wasting my time on someone
putting my life on hold for them to leave
I fear a lifetime of small talk
being a product of their routines and races
I fear not finding belonging
not being in control
I fear the prison of my mind
never finding the person I don't fear with
I fear not being special in the insignificance
never being not afraid to be vulnerable
I fear only existing

One of those days where everything is too much
you feel the weight of everyone's expression
words and emotions drag you down
suffocating your fight
every sentence slowly drains you
every light is too bright
noise piercing your every cell to the core
the sky begins to fall on you
gravity against you
your body is dragged down
the pressure is too much to bare
the world weighing down your mind
your mind weighing down the world
the ache for silence
the need to be alone
the anchor of life's energy attached to you
the demand of everything needing to be felt
the prison of forced empathy
one of those days where you feel everything

a stare to get what you want
a gaze that manipulates
a seduction that will always leave you wanting more
a demon dressed as a daydream
evil disguised as elegance
Red will win everytime
it will entice you
play with you
control you
pierce your soul
you will never understand red
it will dominate you
a fire you can't help but fall into
Red bites your lips with only the eyes
a confidence you wish you had
Red will get you everytime

back and better than ever
so distant and numb
completely frozen in an never ending hell
a different speed
walking alone in a blur
able to survive the ingrained routine
but by night
that's when it creeps up on you
that unbearable pain in your chest
sobbing completely alone
wanting to give up more than ever
unable to care about the promised better future
stuck in only know
thinking it will never change
a prisoner of irrationality
lost in how it makes you feel
it told me there's no way out but to leave
it wasn't me
it changed me
took over me
it didn't let me write
only know as it has been weakened