Your hands felt like sandpaper
Against the softness
Of my skin
But I convinced myself
That the discomfort
And your pitiful displays
Of love and affection
We’re better than nothing -
Better than the emptiness I felt
Whenever I was alone.
But while I was telling myself
That I loved you
And we could last forever,
You were using those rough hands
To smooth out the edges
That you decided were too sharp.
You attempted to mold
And shape me
Into someone that
I no longer recognized
And disliked more
Than the girl I was before.
The worst part
Was that I allowed it to happen.
I played my part,
Letting your cruel touch
And all the lies,
That you always spoke,
Melt me.
Turning me into the putty
You played with
And stretched way too thin.
But you slipped up,
And exposed the skeletons
You kept hidden away.
I finally came to my senses,
Opening my eyes to the blinding truth
Of who you are
And what I have allowed you
To do to my life
And to my soul.
I was gone,
Before you even knew
What was happening.
I stripped every aspect of you
Out of my life
And washed myself clean,
Scrubbing the memory of your touch
Off of my skin.
I have repaired
Every piece of myself
That you tore down
And sharpened all my edges
And I have never shed
A single tear
To mourn the loss of you.
Because by losing you,
I found something
So much better.
I found myself,
And she’s so much more beautiful
And amazing
Than I ever thought possible.

I have shed
My shattered armor
And cast aside
My fractured shield.
Both became burdens
Too heavy for me to carry.
Instead of hiding away
From the darkness
And the turmoil of the world,
I have pulled the sword
From the stone
And I have mastered
My own form of magic.
Now I wield both,
To slay the real monsters
And befriend my dragons.
I am the damsel
Who saved herself.
I am the queen
Who knows her worth.
I am my own fairytale
And happy ever after.

My thoughts come to me differently.
They find me in the form of riddles
And the form of prose.
Both of which I must pull apart
And study each piece separately
Before I can finally be sure of their meaning.
As if I am 16 again,
Sitting in my high school English class
Debating the meaning of a newly introduced piece of literature,
The only student in the room
Who truly cared
If the author colored the curtain blue
Due to an emotional turmoil he faced
Or simply because he fancied the color.
Because studying the work of literature greats
Who have long since passed from this world
Offers me the smallest sliver of hope
That I might be able decode my own turmoils
And be able to truly face them
Instead of running and hiding
When my mind once again becomes a whirlwind of unintelligible monstrosities
Made of my deeply hidden fears
And hopes that I can’t bear to look at in the light of day.

My head bobs above water
For just a moment
And I gasp for air.
Every lungful is a second
I don’t think of you.
But then a current
Pushes me back under
And you wrap me back up
Into your chilling hold
And draw me to the ocean floor.
You know I can’t swim.
You know I’m afraid
Of what’s under
These deep blue waves.
So why do you persist?
Why do you anchor me
To one of my greatest fears?
The only answer I can reason with
Is that you want to see me hurt
The same way you claim
That I hurt you.

My mind descends
Into the whirlwind of mania
Enslaving me to its whims.
No matter how drained
My spirit may be
I cannot seek rest
For it is a stranger to me.
I’ve been tired for hours,
Maybe even years.
But even if I lay like a corpse,
Still and silent,
Barely even breathing,
I remain awake.
No matter how heavy
My eyelids become
Or how sluggish
My thoughts are,
Sleep
Seems to always evade me.

I see maps
And roadways
In everything.
In the scars
And all the marks
Upon my skin.
In the veins on my arms,
In the lines on my palms,
And in my eyes
When I stare into a mirror.
But these paths,
Where do they all lead?
Where is it  
I am meant to go?
Where is it
I am meant to be?

I woke
From a fitful sleep
Where I dreamt
You had died.
You took your final sip of poison
And with its glisten
Still on your lips
You told me that you’d be ok.
But your next breath,
It never came.
You disappeared
Right in front of me.
You sank into the ground,
Swallowed whole by the earth.
You returned to dust
That clouded my path
And I no longer knew
Which way to go.