since then
my demons have crawled down my throat and nestled their way into my very being
i have regurgitated all happiness that once clung to my body
and siphoned the hope out of my heart

i have spent entire nights calculating how many mg's it would take to reach the brink but not step over
and wondered what it would be like to free fall into oblivion

i have been hospitalized three times
and drawn my own blood countless times
hoping that if i practice enough i could create a masterpiece

i have also found atomic love
the kind that rattles your bones and draws you closer to the sun than you ever thought you'd get
but bombs tend to detonate and i broke my own heart

i have made my mother cry begging me to eat
curled up in the bed next to her and cried until i fell asleep

since then my world has shifted on it's axis
and come to a complete halt
.

There's no name for this heartbreak
it's gale force winds ripping at my heart
it's fire in my eyes
it's a stone in my stomach

When i say there is no name for this heartbreak
i mean there is no more heart for you and i

How can someone make you the happiest yet the saddest version of yourself?

i am a ghost story
a glass half full shattered on the floor
a dusty attic holding feeble bits of memories
memories like you and i firecracker fighting
being daydream drunk in the middle of the afternoon

i am weak
i cannot bear the weight of your eyes upon my body and so i breadcrumb crumble
ashes to dust
dust to ashes
onto your dank cement floor
and i see you thinking that if you clean it up fast enough no one will see what you are capable of

you're eyes are a hurricane in the distance waiting to strike
like a fierce gail force wind blowing in my face
knocking me on my ***

We were drunk off of each other for so long neither of us recognized that it was becoming a problem.. Until the day we quit cold-turkey. Sobriety is measured in twelve steps
1. Admitting that we could not control this compulsion. You were the finest whiskey to ever touch these lips. That burning mmm so good down my esophagus. I can still feel your embers glowing in the pit of my stomach. You admitted to this addiction and moved to the next step leagues ahead of me.
2. Believing in a power above to control this addiction. I was never one to believe in god, but you were never one to not believe in the best.
3. Turning our lives over to the hands of a greater power. Neither of us were very good at just letting things happen..
4. Serious inventory of our moral selves. Cutting back the vines, burning down the walls, opening sealed doors, I offered myself up to you. Secrets of ***** bruises arouse leaving you speechless. I never meant to make such a production of ifs, but you would never let me deeper than the first layer of slick rock.
5. Admit our wrongs. According to you, nothing you ever did was wrong. This is where I closed the gap. Admitting it was wrong to read your mind.
6. Willing and ready to let go of the errors of our ways from our lives. You had to teach me how to let go, after my father taught me people leave so you better hold on tight until your knuckles are white and veins full to bursting. Taking cues from the trees you let go any time your roots got cold.
7. Humbling ones self. I will always vouch for the under dog and humble myself to the size of a mouse. But you stand on mountains and claim to where skyscrapers on your feet.
8. Making amends with all those we have harmed. My list would fill the sky with names of the victims of my assaults, slowly dropping stars from the abyss to make room for my wrongdoings, each burning out in a shooting explosion of light as they forgive. There is only one name on your list and I am still waiting..
9. Direct amends without hurting another. Now we are all mixed up because the truth hurts
10. Constantly self inventory and admit to wrong doings. You separate yourself into so many pieces that I am surprised there is any self left.
11. Praying for the will to have power to carry out and continue ten previous steps.
12. Spiritual Awakening. You are still asleep, I left you behind after step 8 and I am still drowsy.

"Tap on my window, knock on my door, I
Want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore"

you sang me these lyrics as the car slide
ice skater triple axel
fumbled landing

the trees became massive
bigger and bigger
screams blurring my vision
i didn't know i could make the noise of an animal in agony

but he was silent
like he had already gripped the reality of what was about to happen
hurtling backwards now his eyes haven't moved from straight ahead
like a trance had taken him away
his spirit already gone

the car didn't make it
neither did he

he spent years in the pouring rain
just trying to make me feel beautiful
and i did when he looked at me
but i always belonged to someone else
and before i could come knocking on his door in the pouring rain

he was gone

i never thought hands could be so beautiful
calloused and strong
glazing over my skin
you told me no girl has ever wanted to hold them
and i think when there are so many fragile things in the world
hands like that are a novelty
hold my heart in them
tame its beating
show it the value of being touched

I am a bomb

timed to detonate at the slightest movement

I have spent an innumerable amount of time listening to you about him and you and you and you

So tell me one more time that I am selfish when I ask you to listen to the diagnosis

I will not ask again

I will not listen again either

I will walk to the tropic of cancer to relieve the pressure of your ego upon my shoulders

I will walk this path alone, on no schedule but my own

I will walk this path alone

This one isn't about you or
about us
about how you filled me to the brim
letting me overflow and drown in myself
This one isn't about you or
about us
about how you could only *** when I had my back to you
spilling out of yourself and into me
like I was an addict, you my ******
This one isn't about you or
about us
maybe if repeated enough it will become the truth
This one isn't about you or
about us
about claiming my body as your own
casting aside my heart and my mind
It isn't about you
It is about me though

do you remember me
bruised and beaten
spun around
no sense of direction

do you remember me
wild and fearless
laughing without a cause

do you remember me at all?

When I was 10 my mother told me that men are from mars and women are from venus.

The next year in science I told my teacher he was wrong when he told us where we all came from,

defending the words I had grown up hearing.

So when my first boyfriend asked to kiss me I simply said we were too far away,

that it would take him light years to reach me.

He turned the other cheek and found that men from his planet were more his type..

It’s been nine years and the only men who have entered me have already traveled here for someone else,

leaving me waiting for the next spaceship to land.

The last time I saw her she was playing tic-tac-toe across the cement with her own blood
her spine curled over herself in an attempt to contradict all that she felt.
Her blood was still blue from the lack of oxygen she felt trying to be acceptable
She fills her body with substances to abuse
Filling the void of a long forgotten memory that still trickled down her spine in a subconscious dance
I was four years old when she took ahold of the ghosts living inside her tearing at her tendons and shot them to the stars.
but only to come back and fill her with darkness
The next time I saw her she had taken the form of a beggar on the street, my mother told me to not make eye contact
yet there was something about her that made me pull a quarter from my back pocket when she wasn't looking.
Sometimes I saw her in myself,
the ghost I predictably would become
The last time I saw her she was playing tic-tac-toe across the cement with her own blood
her spine curled over herself in an attempt to contradict all that she felt.

the words that stumble from your mouth
become particles in the air
have you ever told the truth?

let me ask you
what is 12 years worth?

I've constructed all these scenarios in my mind that make it my fault why you left
but each one ends in false contradictions
you did have a valid reason
i just didn't want to hear it because it broke my heart

and i asked you what you would do if i never spoke to you again
as we were laying in bed morphed together into one being
and you simply said
"i would move on"
those words made me retract into the being i had just hatched from
because i had contorted my mind into thinking this was something that neither of us would just be able to "move on" from

it turns out it was just me
and you are the one that stopped talking to me
now i have to figure out how to live your words
we both know my answer wouldn't have been so simple

Hey everyone, I just published a poetry compilation book called A Compilation of Chaos. It is available on lulu, Amazon ebook, Barnes and Noble nook, and Kobo Bookstore. Check it out, it would me the world to me! Thanks!

there you are
grinding the words that crawl out of my mouth
a hello holds a thousand questions
you could be the one
lets entwine and find out
lets search each others bodies for sweet spots
coffee ground stained fingers
touch me
hold this cream skin
you can't take your eyes off of me
maybe we are meant to be
you're electric
you're mysterious
it's time to be welcomed into this hollow home
ramble on
I have a soulmate
but you make me question whether my soul is split in two

And it hits like a semi  
Rumble strip road vibrations
I must have fallen asleep
Just for a second
But that second was enough

Sideways divider that didn’t win the fight
The metal flying towards it
Cracked concrete bed
Upside down sky scraper
The unforgiving 17
Winding up the pass like a snake about to strike

Stay away from the careless
Ripping down the left lane
Ease up behind the reckless
Be the cautious
Be the snail
This is where you don’t hold your life entirely in your own hands
This is a flock all headed to the same place
Unaware that the people next to you exist

Break lights flashing
Glass cage shatter
Airbag punch
Stay awake

You're running and running and running
the last time you felt like this the world inevitably came to a smothering halt at a deadened full of darkness

You're running and running and running
the abyss is getting closer and closer and closer
close your eyes and leap

You're running and running and running
and nowhere feels like home.

you can't just be replaced
i cannot super glue this splintered house of my heart back together
i refuse to let your cheshire cat smile fade from my memory
because i left a little bit of home in you
right between the forest of your eyebrows
when everyone warned me to never make a home of a human

I watch her parting lips
form around tongue-tied mouth
waiting for the words to come
waiting to hear what she has done

I brace myself for what I am about to hear
astonished that somehow she can see through the cascading tears
a haunting silence fills the room
She says her time is ending soon

now i am a burning being
and you're the one
that set me on fire

I wish i knew you earlier.
I wish I could have been the one to save you, not her

You cannot talk about her and pull me close
You cannot bring me coffee with promises in the sugar
and the taste of your lips

To me you will no longer be a metaphor
you will no longer be my DNA
nor the wind
nor the feeling of hot fingers on my skin

you will be the man that i wish I had known earlier
you will be the person in the past

and I will finally be free.

The war started slowly, and then all at once the battle raged on.
Serotonin against synapsis,
a battle to the death,
a savage fight to declare victory.

If this life is ended too soon by my own hand there are some things that I want to make sure you know;

I loved you so painfully fields of flowers became nails that I picked in order to two by four you and I together forever

I hated you so lovingly that I couldn’t remember what it felt like to be comfortable in my own skin when I was always under yours.

I will never forget the summer the sky fell on us, how the purple and black storm clouds thundered through the valley and all you did was stand drenched in the rain looking at me like I was the only one capable of keeping you dry, while I was crying ****** mary for a break in the tears from the sky.

I hope you never forget these things either, the way you sniffed me and called me vanilla, or the way you pleaded me to love you in a sarcastic tone, knowing that that was the only thing I ever wanted to do.

Falling in love at 15 is a silly thing to do

you locked me away with my loneliness
took my hope and shattered it to pieces
ate my love
****** it out of me like a vortex

it was not for you
it was not yours to take

you threw my trust into the abyss

it was not for you
it was not yours to take

help me
he hurt me
your lips left a black and blue necklace
i didn't ask for you
for it

you did not conquer this body

it was not for you
it was not yours to take

this loneliness is withering me away
you are a beast

this body never belonged to you
and it never will because

it was not for you
it was not yours to take

my nightmares are full of disappearances
and lately I have been losing myself

I wake up gripping for any remnant of who I was
only to roll over and find you white knuckle gripping the girl I really am

straddling the fine line of past and present under a seamlessly perfect blue sky I was hit breathless with the thought of existing

ever since I began trying to comprehend the fact of human existence
my world has gotten fuzzy
right has become left and my brain has been set on fire

my nightmares are full of disappearances
and the first the to go was me

nobody tells you what it feels like to move on
they don’t tell you that the first time you kiss another boy your body will become electric
that your heart will threaten your rib cage
that your life will feel likes everything is starting and ending all at once

It hurt.
the way you left
gritted teeth in a silent mouth

it hurt,
walking out those doors
mascara like waterfalls down my cheeks

it hurt.
telling me you wouldn't be home
left wondering if your with her

it hurt.
the way you left
it hurt

A.
Plates.
When colliding with wooden walls thrown from hand that have had enough
even in this weakness you show strength.
B.
Bones.
You have broken 27 bones, had six surgeries, and tasted deaths lips twice
Each bone grew back strong and imperfect after splitting from its whole.
I manage to find beauty in this recklessness you made of your life.
C.
Pencils.
I kept losing my pencils, so you always carried an extra
when I left school for the second time you
took that stash and made a production of snapping each one like you claimed I snapped your heart
D.
But hearts don’t break,
they become misshapen with every trauma named you
and still manage to pump the blood that I draw from behind its curtain with shards of that plate you shattered
This canvas I want to tear myself from is what you once loved
cushioning your bones from life’s recklessness,
and I now realize those extra pencils you gave to me
were what you considered a consolation for always taking pieces of me

5 years and 1 month
that's 61 months
that's a total of 1,855 days
of me waking up next to the smell of you
a smell that will forever linger in my nose

I learned that this is called the Proust effect
certain scents bypass the brains thalamus and go directly to the smell center
causing them to trigger the most vivid memories and emotions

on that note

I found your shirt the other day
as I was trying to purge any evidence of you from my life
But I could not toss it aside before holding it to my face and inhaling your all too familiar smell

as the scent filled my nose
the flashbacks began

and now I can't sleep

I'm calling from every cavern trying to hear myself louder
to make me believe that it's over

I don't want me right now
so how am I supposed to want you

It’s like nothing in this world ever sleeps. I creep through the dark house he had inhabited till so recently. Still the coffee *** is stained with dark, rich, brown streaks, it looks as if it had just been used this morning. I can picture his gaping lips slightly closing around the chipped rim of his favorite mug, thick steam rising up the sides of the cup continuing up into his nose, his eyes, his ears, slowly dissipating as it collides with the solid jaw bone of his face. God, the dripping from the sink is enough to make anyone crazy, the rhythmic plop, plop, plop as the liquid collides with the cold, dark, steel basin. The house is alive, his energy engulfs me just as his perfect cigarette stem fingers used to, but the sensation becomes over powering and I gasp for breath. I gasp for the oxygen that has somehow forced its way up, out of my lungs. Stumbling to the door I spill out in a heap on the front lawn. I look up and across the street, not more than one hundred feet from me is the spot we first met. The pavement now scarred with the ethereal ghosts of what once was, what is, and what is to come. This was the place it all began and it all ended.

-K

Every woman I have ever spoken to of love describes it as a masterpiece,

a finished project,

something that if you work hard enough you can achieve alone.

I never understood this, doesn’t it take two?



When I was young the bed time tales my mother would read described the women as soft, something to be

touched gently

The men, always so brave, fighting against dragons and demons, but could touch porcelain skin without leaving a mark

I never understood this, doesn’t love leave a bruise?



When my mother fell in love with another man

she said he touched her like she was stamped “fragile” in red letters

he talked to her in a way so as never to belittle or blacken her

I never understood this, this was not how my father loved her



So, maybe this is why when I dream of love

I dream of being thrown against the wall, shattered into pieces so small I could lodge in his skin without him knowing

when he tries to touch me like something that may break,

I have already broken,

of words that leave marks so strangers can see that I am taken



Love isn’t a masterpiece, it is a work in progress and my canvas has been repainted 9 times, with only a few lasting more than a night

It is never a finished project, nor a porcelain doll, it is

a work in progress, a barbie missing an arm

It isn’t something perfect,

It is something that if you are lucky, in the end will leave you glued back together

This is what I have learned so far.
1. Home is a burning frying pan with what was supposed to be your breakfast charred and long forgotten because he tastes better than anything you could ever dream of cooking.
2. Love doesn’t live here, love doesn’t live anywhere, she lurks around corners and tucks herself up in the filter of your coffee maker at 5 in the morning.
3. It is okay to be broken, in fact, it is beautiful, never settle for someone who doesn’t see that.
4. If he is kissing other girls, let him go.
5. let him go
6. I still have so much more to learn, but if I have learned to free myself of you, for now, that is enough

there are six basic human emotions
sadness, anger, surprise, fear, happiness, disgust

sadness:
always remember how powerful you are
you can change the weather with your tears
making the sky cry out and light up in flares

anger:
you can crash the waves with your anger
peaking at colossal heights
swallowing everything that gets in your way

surprise:
you could power our whole neighborhood with the light in your eyes

fear:
you quiver an 8 on the richter scale
bringing building to the ground

happiness:
your teeth are the stars and your face is the moon
I could stare at them all day

disgust:
papaya tastes like ***** anyway

Four letters
that's all it will take to erase this nightmare that I can't seem to wake up from

Four letters
that are straddling this abyss between us

Four simple letters
that I keep praying you will say

Baby,
Please
Just ask me to STAY

it started as an escape
a way for you to lose yourself
you don't need to disappear baby
but when the weight of life becomes suffocating
think of me

don't swallow that hatchet
think of the rainbow sunsets
the way the sand contours to your body
no crevice left untouched

don't drink that poison
it will slowly drown everything you love
watch the children running down the street
they still see in neon
the world hasn't lost its color yet

Running towards a freight train headed at full speed towards nowhere is the equivalent of loving a girl with bipolar

It seemed like an adrenaline rush until the impact

My manias go like this;

I love you more than that couch cushion loves your ***

more than that fist loved his face,

more than sense.

because manias don’t make sense.

My depressions went like this;

black was the brightest color I could see yet

I still needed sunglasses to make eye contact with the reaper

It went like this;

last night I tried eating spiders to give myself an excuse to feel afraid of myself

you held me up until my legs atrophied and there was no point anymore

loving a girl with bipolar a game ending in

manic darkness

Recently I heard someone say that getting butterflies is a red flag
but when our eyes met across the bar
everything in a foggy haze of Captain and Coke
I didn't get butterflies
it was more like a swarm of wasps
trying to escape as the words rose up to find their way out of my mouth
Stinging my throat along the way

This should have been a warning

I've never been good at reading signs

And was it worth it
to watch her writhing in pain as you extracted yourself from her veins
you had become all of her red blood cells
so she withered away to white

Was it worth it
to ripped the flowers from her throat as she sang your love song
you had become the words she breathed
so she became speechless

Was it worth it
to feel her claws against your skin
shredding her fingers just trying to hold on

Just tell me
was it worth it?

I shouldn't write this
because you might read it

but these words that are threatening to spill from my mouth will be spilled from my fingers instead

and you will be mad that a bunch of strangers are reading this

but

one night you stumbled in drunk telling me i was the only one you wanted to fall asleep next to

this was said after you told me you were tired of me

after you told me I disgusted you

so please make up your mind

look into my eyes
let the hurricane world fall away
touch my skin
kissed by a sunlit sky
feel my soul
blanketed in stars

This is when it hits the hardest,
at 3:47 in the morning
when I wake up and realize you aren't next to me
when the memories of us are flash flooding through my brain

sleep comes in waves these days
I have tried my best
but I cannot will these nightmares away

no one can stop this evil
the devil is crawling from the pit of my stomach
causing an aching throughout my bones

no one can escape the dungeon of my body
luring in victims
hanging them noose neck from my ribs

you know who you are-

if you are reading this i am sorry.
truly sorry

Maybe my fault was loving you too much
because, darling, you are such a beautiful human
and our souls will forever be intertwined
but if you must go for now, i understand
just know, on the other side i will be waiting