~deleted~

it's becoming easier
to hear your name and feel nothing.
Head and Heart fought a battle that only ended
when the Heart swelled with a Love that hurt to hold,
until the Head's gentle reminder
that this was not Love,
it was Pain.
blinding Pain.
but like all blows to the body and mind
Time crushes Pain into a dull ache, a numbness remaining
long in the Heart after the feeling has gone.
but the Head holds the knowledge that this was not Love.
it was Pain.
blinding Pain.
and it's becoming easier.

Don't you know it's Christmas?
Theres kids cutting themselves
Toys being put on all the shelves
Were dealing with ISIS
But the holidays are priceless
Don't you know it's Christmas?
Theres people dealing with cancer
All we care about is Rudolf and Prancer
Theres teens commiting suicide
They should be kept warm and on the inside
Don't you know it's Christmas?
Al Quida taking the life of children
And were wondering when Santa's coming back again
Theres kids doing drugs
While were surrounded with hugs
Don't you know it's Christmas?

I can't breathe anymore
I can't think straight anymore
I don't know what is going on with me but my mind is not my own
I'm panicking again
oh no, here comes the panicking again.
I still can't breathe and my thoughts are not my own.
my doctor put me on celexa...I hate it.
I can't think.
I can't breathe.
Please let me go.
my doctor thinks I'm fine.
she smiles too much.
but I really can't ******* breathe.

winter lips
press into her memory
bones aching with the fever of remembrance
quiet words raise half lipped appeasement
mostly scarring scars scar her mind but occasionally words stir up like rosebuds of alphabet soup
spelling out novels of repeated notes
picture picture picture
click click click
half lipped winds
greased strands flap loose flap in the loose whipped winds
white comforter white blanket white snow white southern comfort white south
corporate and government city lights counting monies
greased oil slicked back hair scalps scalped dentists appropriating native american hunting tools
scalped girl appropriating brown skin
winter lips kiss kiss kiss
from root to tip toe down the hallway to scar thighs
thigh highs soft like southern comfort white south and the blood is red
but red blood cells are combatants of white blood cells like
winter lips are combatants of
her thoughts

they're faded now
red crosses and red lines
like traffic lights guiding the drivers
gang signs littering the skin the lights are impaled on and theyre disappearing
leaving the yellow metal a dewy gold
almost orange like the crimson never dissolves
instead it
absorbs
soaks into the fixture
mottling the cracked skin and sealing up the fine lines with microscopic lesions
turning ruby black and back to ruby and black and back to ruby and black and back to ruby
drop drop drop drop
smile and black and frown and back to ruby and black black black black black black black black black black black black
black
black
black
black
black
the lights are burned and the scars won't scar
and the skin is black and the blood is black and her body soaks in the black and she is black black black
and she doesn't know how to get the ruby back