I had this dream last night
In it we were at my grandparent's
I was home and surrounded with a flawed sort of people
My flawed sort of people
And I was totally preoccupied
With my weight and the space I take up
And the joy of their company was lost on me

If I went home today that is how it would be
I would be preoccupied
Life would be lost on me
The number on the morning scale
The number of my worth for that day
A number with the ability to crush me
And tape me back together
A power no individual has
Just that number
I want to reassign my values
Outrun this whole mental knot I have tied
But I can't
So I keep the company of other's disorders
In treatment
Still

Maybe if I defined it
I could achieve it concretely
I just want a little credit
From my own racing mind
And an OK to take a break
With out the guilty looks from inside

I woke up with out hope for this day
So I stayed in bed until noon
A luxury afforded only to the undeserving

Maybe my thoughts were meant to flow
But I've created dam
In stagnant water
I bathe

I am too much the same.
Pattern after pattern of pointless intent.
I can't break it.
I can't bare it.
I want to smash myself to pieces.
Put them back in a different way.
I want you all to witness,
The very painful day.

The gravity of loneliness
It heaves and sighs like shifting ice
That moans like whales in the night time
It's weight I've grown accustom to
Settled down solid on my bones
My bare shoulders ache and bend
My spine curves under the pressure
I pray for a tectonic shift
Havoc to my structure ingrained
Groundwork for new ways to relate