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3.9k · Jul 2018
Little Lion Cub
John Bartholomew Jul 2018
Sometimes they think they are it
the man of the house, demanding when sat, a real big hit
relishing the chain of command over those who wait on hand and foot
for they start off small, expecting so much more,
as they have written the book

But let’s not forget who is the real master here
they are just a cub, cute yet endearing,
but you’d rather be down the pub supping a beer
scratching the sofa with eyes so large they are easily forgiven
killing flies and onto mice, it is how they are driven

As the kitten is a creature yet to grow into its fold
playing like a baby does until its days of old
they’ll fight and cry like kids, you’ll hear them on the street
they won’t give up, soft yet tough,
never knowing when they’re beat

A dog is fun and obeys command, yet these things rarely do
you’ll call all night, their name out loud, but never return on que
yet eat you out of house and home,
Felix down to the last lick of the butter tub
as they are animal of selfish wit,
a beast when grown but will always be my,

Little Lion Cub

JJB
“Cats are connoisseurs of comfort." ― James Herriot

"If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much." ― Mark Twain

"A cat has absolute emotional honesty: human beings, for one reason or another, may hide their feelings, but a cat does not. "― Ernest Hemingway

"Never try to outstubborn a cat."― Robert A. Heinlein
2.3k · Aug 2018
Disabled Bog Blues
John Bartholomew Aug 2018
If you've not done it then you are a liar too
The luxury of the able-bodied to have a sneaky little poo
Look left, look right, there's nobody about
A peaceful time for what's needed now
A better handwash and a cleaner surround,
from the ceiling to extractor fan
Even onto the white grout

I'm not one to judge as I'd been there before
From a night in Yates's where they want your key to sniff coke
These private, uncompromising rooms have a life of their own, with stories I will not joke

The people of most Wetherspoons have a disabled key they use on a daily basis
Nothing wrong with them all, the odd one with a genuine NHS bracelet,
I tell you now, you really do start to hate it

But it is nice to be away from the majority of the public in a life I did not choose
Occupied, red dial turned, out come a pair of girls mostly half drunk, always together as a two
That is probably why it gets me down, a daily occurrence,
it affects us all,

These,

Disabled bog blues

JJB
My disability exists not because I use a wheelchair, but because the broader environment isn't accessible - Stella Young

The world worries about disability more than disabled people do - Warwick Davis

"Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway" - Mary Kay Ash
2.0k · Aug 2018
Tattoo
John Bartholomew Aug 2018
I've never been a fan of a permanent picture tan
as I see them as a mark for life
a girl you once met, love at first sight
a mark on your neck, soon to disappear,
that tacky and ravenous love-bite

Married, three kids, a stupid affair, her name scrolled on your arm
like many a girl, she fell into your world,
all fallen for your devastating charm
But it happens so quick, that stupid thought of the fix,
all for some girl that you met down the pub
now everyday that you shower,
it doesn't matter about how much power,
its a stain that you cannot simply just rub

Styles, well they come and they go,
depending on what year you are born
mates at school , pictures drawn on the wall,
which girls name as your loyalty's are torn

But this was when you was a kid, acting like a ***,
showing off to those all around
now I'd like them removed, a name now a scar, not so smooth,
a hindsight of thoughts now drowned

Tattoo

JJB
1.5k · Aug 2018
Thanks For The Invite
John Bartholomew Aug 2018
We all know when we are not wanted as it seems that many do,
A jolly up in the town, everyone there but you
Your work mates are friendly but only for the day
Theyve spoke of their home lives and that they think the dog is gay
A bit of what is known as banter wouldn't go a miss
Your mates of old all married now, your still searching for that bliss
Facebook and Twitter can be the final hurrah with pictures of their lives
2 kids and a dog to boot, only way to get them out is a free drink as a bribe
Your best friend and their new found buds, all arms up on that log flume up north
We had days like that at Chessington, 18 and ******, before your kids were spawned
We pretend we live alternative lives, who needs that wholesome charade of a perfection
A City flier, on all the apps, a wit you could not section
You tell the world your happy as, a life now ruled by Tinder
But tell the truth, your home in bed, fish finger sandwich probably from Findus
But it pulls at the heart, those pictures of happiness and a life that you thought was right
I'll get there someday, just ignoring the now, I'll say it again,

Thanks For The Invite

JJB
It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light - Aristotle

Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for - Bob Marley
1.4k · Jan 2019
Lollipop Lady Blues
John Bartholomew Jan 2019
It doesn't take much, for me to be late in the morning
A bad nights sleep, another day at work, it can be oh so boring
20 minutes, does it really matter, in the grand scheme of things
Jump in the car, radio on,
Same DJ with the X-Factor wannabes wearing their bling
Its a short trip but can still be delayed once more
Further down the road by a woman who makes my head sore....

Hitting the roundabout 2 miles from anywhere
The traffic backs up to give us all a timely scare
What on Earth could delay us on this trip to a place of ethical sanction
As without work our lives would halt without function
Bills to pay and food to buy, we need the income from some money tree
What is holding me up as already late,
Maybe set my alarm earlier but hey, what will be will be
The slow jaunt on the bumper to bumper ride
Its only 10 minutes more but time is not on my side.....

And there she is,
My delay
Luminous in stature holding the road like shes some traffic God
Chatting away to the ladies as if she's PC Plod
Holding that lollipop on her black and yellow stick
She's really starting to get on my wick
Some of us have places to be old lady like she even cares
Kids crossing the road, go play Chicken, like they'd even dare
Really, all in all, she is doing a good job
And there's me rushing and acting like a bit of a......wally!
As if I did knock a child over I'd forever be sorry
Even when it rains she puts up her brolly
Stop the parent and kids from always getting wet
I suppose in the end she is the safer bet
Maybe I will always be late but nothing I can't sort with a brew,
Instead of getting,

Lollipop Lady Blues

JJB
That's the story of my life; I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop - Marilyn Monroe

I don't like lollipops - Eoin Colfer
1.4k · Jun 2019
Remembering when...
John Bartholomew Jun 2019
Remembering when you thought 30 pound was a lot
Remembering when your mum would wipe your bot
Remembering when the World was big and pretty
Remembering when life was ace with nothing ever ******

Remembering when people were fun and playful
Remembering when nothing was a handful
Remembering when asking for a sleepover
Remembering when I shared with my dog Rover

Remembering when I couldn't spell my surname
Remembering when all I wanted was fame
Remembering when I first passed my test
Remembering when I thought my car was the best

Remembering when we first had our kids
Remembering when we took them on their first trip
Remembering when they both left High School
Remembering when they often played the fool

Remembering when I fell over in the garden
Remembering when this all first happened
Remembering when the van first took me to hospital
Remembering when the acceptance was futile

Remembering when I first forgot my wife's name
Remembering when that put me to shame
Remembering when the nurse then changed my sheets
Remembering when I was hoping for that last final heartbeat

JJB
Adrenaline is wonderful. It covers pain. It covers dementia. It covers everything. Jerry Lewis
1.3k · Dec 2018
Delicious with Casserole
John Bartholomew Dec 2018
We all have our favourite flavours, be it what you will
Add some stock or a can of soup, anything but chilled
Pick a pack from the shelf,
Carrots,
Celery,
Turnips,
A clove of garlic,
All good for your health
A side scoop of fresh mash, potatoes mixed with butter
Bought from the farmer down the road, Mr Smith with the tedious stutter
Straight to bakery for some bread, to soak up that lovely mix
All the ingredients clumped together, every box it does tick
Served with a feeling of a homemade dish, pretty simple when you know how
Delicious and tender and a joy to eat, especially that winter has come now
It warms you up, puts a glow to your cheeks, feels good and livens the soul
Now dunk that bread and sip that wine,

Delicious with Casserole

JJB
Food is an important part of a balanced diet - Fran Lebowitz

People who love to eat are always the best people - Julia Child

You don't need a silver fork to eat good food - Paul Prudhomm

Everything you see I owe to spaghetti - Sophia Loren
1.3k · Jul 2018
Paralysis
John Bartholomew Jul 2018
Since I became paralysed I've lost the will to use it
My instinct, my never say never, my last minute don't give a ****,
now just a gurgle in a draining sink

I'd say to the wife, let's stay here, book a room, a night of passion,
not a care in the drop of a beat
Now I must pre-book, distinctly decide,
accessible doors and not to forget the supps, the **** and an inco sheet

The cage maybe open but the beast is still asleep,
only awoken by a blue pill for the night
A reliance now dependant on who signs the scribble,
paid for by the NHS and who's not feeling to tight

Are there steps and is it really going to be worth it
the struggle, the helping out and sometimes feeling like a useless ***
OK, so its not really that bad
I just emphasis the crap points that sometimes make me sad

But its a new way of life you really had better believe
to have back what I had before, yes I often do grieve
but there is no going back as it is what it is
keep your head up,
keep your heart strong and try and regain that lost fizz

JJB
I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head - George C. Wallace

People get in auto accidents, they're paralyzed for life. I got hurt worse getting married - Jake LaMotta

Some people are walking around with full use of their bodies and they're more paralyzed than I am - Christopher Reeve
1.2k · Sep 2018
Things Move On
John Bartholomew Sep 2018
Time is a movement that we cannot escape
It surrounds the Universe in its vastness day by day
And with time its particulars are all attached
DNA to a drop of rain, it all comes as one big batch

Everything changes on a second by second basis
From the dinosaur to the bird in the sky,
Music from minstrels then onto blur and Oasis

Our skin becomes decrepit as we live within our souls
We build, we knock down, we start again to help out those in need
Builders help build, a life now easy, just ask Nick Knowles

But lets think of the future and how we guide Earths ship
We live, we learn, already ruined our surrounding layer of ozone
Ditch the aerosols, drain the diesel's as one Ice-Age was just a little tip

The same as all relationships, hiccups happen as is life
A stumble, a small trip, pick yourself up as this is it
Another chance ain't gonna happen, believe what you will

A sweep up, a quick clean, start again so it is all gone
The Gods of time sometimes get bored, lets stir things up
There is only so much you can watch until,

Things Move On

JJB
“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” ― Leo Tolstoy

“You can't stop the future
You can't rewind the past
The only way to learn the secret
...is to press play.” ― Jay Asher

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” ― Barack Obama
1.1k · Jan 2018
Window Gazing
John Bartholomew Jan 2018
As I sit here just chewing the cud
Nights lost and debauched with my friend Richard
Picking up that guitar as a kid from Cash Converters
He left me for the sun down under with the students and the surfers

E Minor through to a chord named A Sharp
Strangling that neck with fingers that don’t know where to start
I should have listened to Mr Hogarth for this career in its finest form
Rocking out on stage wow that would have been a storm

But it’s never too late to try and give it another go
Read music they say but I wouldn’t know my **** from my elbow
No, no, no, that’s not the attitude
I’ll plug this thing and never give up as someday I’ll fill those smoky rooms

I joined a band with 2 brothers and bassist of whom I did not know
Mill Hill practice every Sunday just thought I’d give it a go
But only one song and a commitment I could not keep it was always bound to fail
I’ll carry on solo still looking on but really just chasing my own tail

Work carried on as a plumber of which I never did really enjoy
But it paid the bills
A mortgage
A van
And a wedding on the horizon
All in sight except for that unseen tree which nearly stopped me from ever rising

Paraplegic is a word I had rarely ever used
you’re a *******, a ****, I had said once myself how dare I have used that abuse
To be told you will never walk again is a shot that broke my heart
Don’t let it get you down be strong and try for a brand new start
The days go by at the start of this new journey
The loss of once friends and to gain some new is now what must ground me
A different perspective and a sharper humour has now unveiled
Hello new world you won’t get me down just watch this beast unravel

Taking the good with the bad and filtering through the ugly
A different ship to now set sail, get ready for this could get choppy
But as I say and always repeat, life goes on its just how you take it
This second chance given to me a bit lower down, but still determined to make it,
Hey Mr Wheelchair.

JJB
“I had learned quickly that life doesn't always go the way I want it to, and that's okay. I still plod on.”
― Sarah Todd Hammer, Determination

“Know me for my abilities, not my disability.” Robert M. Hensel

“My disability has opened my eyes to see my true abilities.” Robert M. Hensel
John Bartholomew Sep 2018
(Sometimes, It's hard you know, being this **** good looking)

Cute since a baby and on through my teens,
kids on the street asking where had I been
Realising once at school, the girls all now a flutter
Some of them knowing they're just no good, go date that kid with the stutter

For I am talk of the year, the boys wanting some of the action
Not in a way of fancy or love, just for the girls to have a reaction
A riot on his first week called freshers, talk of the town in his uni years,
Sleeping around, knowing who's with who, he knows he'll fit right in here

5 years gone, a first in his topic, so popular no matter what he's done
Time to grow up, whats around the corner when leaving this fun

A model like wife, 3 kids and CEO at Nike,  one of Gods special people
And then it creeps up, a story of such luck, his situation as sticky as treacle

Uni funds all corrupt, a loophole in what he hadn't figured,
Some things you really shouldn't trigger
Was a good idea at the time, his 3 friends didn't mind, one over on the Government, it doesn't get much bigger

But that wasn't to be, 6 months in would be sore, just for a little tax evasion
Up in court, 2 years was the score, this really wasn't part of his equation

Cheekbones chiselled with the looks of a model
The wing leaders gather round, excited in a huddle
He had heard the stories of what could happen being trapped in prison,
But seriously guys,

I'm just too good looking (for this to happen)

JJB
The prison life of the past looks in our own time like liberation itself - Christopher Lasch

Prison is a socialist paradise where equality prevails, everything is supplied, and competition is eliminated - Elbert Hubbard

Depression is a prison to which you have the key except you never think to look for it - Kevin Hearne

Being in prison for seven years was like being in an army that never drilled, never deployed, and only fought itself - Raegan Butcher
1.0k · Aug 2018
Say Something Stupid
John Bartholomew Aug 2018
You thought it
You dreamt it
You put it into a pass
She heard it
She ignored it
She'd heard it somewhere in the past
Your punching
You've no chance
Your well out of your league
She's stunning
She knows this
She's from another seed
Yes she likes you
Yes you're no Cupid
And yes, you did say something stupid,

And that's probably why she's with you

JJB
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.” ― Albert Einstein

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” ― George Carlin

“In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.” ― Napoléon Bonaparte

“Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.” ― Laurence J. Peter

“Stupidity isn't punishable by death. If it was, there would be a hell of a population drop.” ― Laurell K. Hamilton
John Bartholomew Feb 2018
Every village, town and city of mass proportion is bound to have some
The ‘didn’t make the grade at school’ so who else will now take them
The parents repugnant, ******, and living off the dole
Breed with each other to produce their spawn, the taxpayer taking this toll

Infesting our lives with their spit and their spat, just turn on Jeremy Kyle
You’ll see what I mean, like a bad daydream, their being is utmost vile
Its entertainment to some who revere in this mess, only glad that its not them
Sulking the streets and just on the scrounge and oh look, their face on the News at Ten

****** is harsh as it’s not what I mean, but it fits the slot so well
So why are they here and what is their use, doesn’t the devil need a hand in hell?
But they exist, and you see them every day, hanging on the corner of the street
Even the village idiot had his job, backwards in kind but still rather sweet

So what do we do in trying to combat this evolution, going backwards in the blink of an eye
Education is wasted and the armed forces is a no, it almost makes me want to stop and cry

So this is the way that the human may go, just look back at the millennia’s past
The dinosaurs failed and the mammoth is gone, just how long are we going to last?

The Retards

JJB
“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
― Mae West

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”
― Robert Frost

“Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans.”
― Allen Saunders
872 · Sep 2018
Just one more question...
John Bartholomew Sep 2018
Interrogation.  A question. A short story of what you have done.
Or not.
The truth is only known by one.

So you didn't see Francis Cooper on the 6th?
Although you had the date marked on your calendar?
Cancelled.
OK......OK
"Thinking"
Its just that Mrs Cooper's gardener said he saw your car that day.
On the drive.
For over an hour.
You deny this?
"Thinking"
No. No...My wife. My wife borrowed the car that day. Just a mix up
Your wife knew Francis Cooper too?
Yes. She does her nails every Tuesday.
OK.
"Thinking"
The Tuesday was the 5th I believe Mr Sanders.
"Thinking"
Sorry. Yes, she changed dates so, you know, like I say, just a mix up.
OK...... OK.
Slowly walking away,

Oh, just one more question...

JJB
"Listen Columbo, just for a minute how about we stop pretending that I'm brilliant and you're simple!" - Fade In To ******

Watch my hand, it's full of grease. This is my dinner. Would you like a piece of chicken? - Now You See Him

Oh, sorry Lieutenant I didn't recognise you. You look different somehow. Columbo with new coat : I've had a haircut. - Now You See Him
830 · Feb 2020
Social FOMO
John Bartholomew Feb 2020
Wake up
Check
Any updates
Check
Give it 2 minutes
Log back on
Check
My god, she added last night
Check
14 new comments
Check
***. I cannot believe she posted that picture
Check
Best look on Insta
Check
No Way!
22 new pics
Who is he?
Check
Her ex? Again, no way!
I'll give it an hour
5 minutes pass.
I might have missed something
Check
Nothing
OK
Not OK
No pics of me yet
Why no pics of me?
Did I look that bad?
Better check
Check
Nothing
This could have been a mistake last night
Check
Check
Check

Fear Of Missing Out

JJB
FOMO (fear of missing out) is the enemy of valuing your own time - Andrew Yang

The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once. - Albert Einstein

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. - Steven Wright
820 · Aug 2018
A Divorce From One's Self
John Bartholomew Aug 2018
If I could take the parts, you know,
the bits that don't really matter
one by one,
moment by moment,
and push them off a cliff to a place that collects such worthless clutter

The mistakes I have made,
the thoughts that shouldn't follow on through but do
those past revelations, such stories of wondrous lies and the times I should just have just poopooed

We live a life that is never in the here and the now
The mundane taking over, every work hour a taste so sour
To look and to basically be your best,
those wrinkles showing old age,
an advert on your brow

We'd like to shove all these inacuracies and self loathing on a one way trip to hell
but its a part of the human being that grounds us all, a one time life in this corruptible shell

So to take away those parts that make us so inaccurate
would be a boring life with no ups or downs as we all like a few quid on an unsafe bet
those niggles, such talk that is utter drivel,
all to be placed in a room with a designated shelf

Not a chance, its a part of our lives,
for who would ever want to have,

A Divorce From One's Self

JJB
“The bird dares to break the shell, then the shell breaks open and the bird can fly openly. This is the simplest principle of success. You dream, you dare and and you fly.” ― Israelmore Ayivor

“I think there's a secret part of me that would like to drop my entire life off a cliff and watch it break into a million pieces” ― Suzanne Morrison
735 · Oct 2015
Just John
John Bartholomew Oct 2015
Was he a disciple or just a friend of Jesus
So many to choose from it carries on through the ages
Whether you hail from the sunny realms of Brazil as Juan
Or lead your life on the bus tops of Paris, showboating to the tourists as Jean
you are always just John

Did you see that goal on Sunday in Barnsley from Pedro
crossed in on a sixpence by that guy on loan from Bristol
Parading as the next man to steal the footballing thrown from Beckham
Just a council house kid from the block down in Peckham
again, just John

Kissing the Blarney stone an excuse for his gob
the banter the laughter hiding the rile in his job
that day in Ireland that Sean always dreams of
going back would be heaven, to find the girl he should have once loved
again, just John

The shores of Naples looking out over the sea
Ischia, Procida, Capri, the place he’d rather be
behind lays dormant, Vesuvius once angry
Pompeii, Herculaneum destroyed in its fury
now time to spread his net and look for new shores
only Gino knows it’s time to open new doors
again, just John

No matter where you are from
there is somebody like you just struggling along
troubles brew in every corner of this planet
don’t think it’s just you who really cannot stand it
again, just John

Difficulty is rife no matter where you seem to look
your boss is a grievance and you wish them long gone
but it’s not just you, it’s you and every other John
so I’ll say it again without a look in the mirror
I know your stress my friend because I am that man
yes that is me
I am just John
John Bartholomew Dec 2018
It's ok, I've never heard of me either
I'm what's called 'back-up' in case a famous one loses its tether
You think the big man relies wholly on the ones that you've heard
They're just for the kiddies tales baby, don't be so absurd
There's Splodger, Spliffer, Ransack and me,
To name but a few with names that don't agree
There's Woody and Wobbler with Randy and Tiddler
You'll get the jist with the names that have been called here
All stood out the back after the main ones have been chosen and cleared
Kids don't want to hear of the ones who break all the rules
Sitting around all day stinking of their own stools
For this isn't the way of a tale to be told
If written in books then none would be sold
As I am the just the Reindeer waiting in the wings
Credit to Rudolph and the other ones who's names the children sing,
As I am happy to be just waiting here, stuck between the shadows
As time will tell if Rodney fits a story, that all will someday follow

JJB
681 · Feb 2019
That Last Cup of Tea
John Bartholomew Feb 2019
You wanted to make a few quid but this really wasn't the way
You'd sneak it in stashed in a sack, it happens everyday

Thai police are not that bothered now on a little bit of sniff
A couple of packs lodged in between, those dogs wont get a whiff

Twenty grand for a weekend away, lovely when an easy job goes right
But that fella you met was a grass and a snitch, should have kept quiet on that flight

Now here you are, a quick court trial now lining up for that bullet to the head
You have one last wish, be it something to eat before you lay in your final death bed

Nothing comes to mind in a situation that you thought you'd never find, just one thing to take me back home
A well made cup of tea and that feeling to be free, a delicacy I will now never know

Blindfold on and the sound of guns being carefully loaded to the max
The things we do to fill our pockets in life and avoiding that wanted tax,

พร้อมแล้ว! (ready I presume)

จุดมุ่งหมาย! (that's got to be aim. ****)

ไฟ!!!!! (Well that last cup of tea was ni..........)



JJB
John Bartholomew Jul 2018
You laughed
You really did laugh
At a joke so morbid yet clear
Seen as a sin
Now straight in the bin
To chuckle at something so near
I'm hurt
Were hurt
A group so new and always it seems in fear
Offended
Say it again, now reoffended
by a story so funny it used to bring a tear
For humour is old
To be told is now bold
That now lurks in us all as a ghost,

For it is,

A Death Less Funny Than Most

JJB
He who takes offence when no offence is intended is a fool, and he who takes offence when offence is intended is a greater fool - Brigham Young

If you are going to be offended by other people's opinions then maybe you should consider keeping yours to yourself - Anonymous

I'm offended by things and take pathetic little stands against them - Tom Stoppard

Being Offended Doesn't Make You Right - Anonymous
611 · Dec 2018
An Idiot Like Me
John Bartholomew Dec 2018
Bland
Like a plate of frozen peas for dinner
Work
Everyday until you die just trying to be above that person next to you
Holidays
Every year to that same villa in Spain
Car
Volvo
Good brakes
Safety No.1
I sigh in boredom of it all
The sight in which we see life is a contrast between us all
And that channel of tuning just isn't for me
Say the odd stupid thing and regret it for days or years
Date that person who scares you blind and brings you to tears
Make the decision that is stupid and plainly wrong
But that's how I roll man, to a different song
I've been a prat at the best of times but that's what makes it fun
Soaking up the rays with no cream in the summer sun
Always a risk taker living life on the edge  
Hey, that's the way I live, a self committed pledge
People look at me and wonder why,
I look back and tell them well at least I tried
As this is a life to live so spread your wings and not sit in the tree
Sometimes we have to make mistakes to prove whats right, hence
The world will always need,

An Idiot Like Me

JJB
Passion makes idiots of the cleverest men, and makes the biggest idiots clever -  Francois de La Rochefoucauld

I am greatly misunderstood by politically correct idiots -  Brigitte Bardot

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out - Lewis Black
603 · Feb 2019
Sugermummy
John Bartholomew Feb 2019
We would all love an easy life,

Wallowing away on a beach in the sand,
Not a worry in the world, cocktail in hand,

Lying back, shades on, what else: Dolce and Gabana
A light breeze, a click of wrist, someone to fan you

But you paid for nothing as its a part of her deal,
Being back home, worked to the bone, this is where I now feel

I may not love her but its worth it for the ride,
As that is a just a word to those who can easily hide

Having the looks, the chiseled chin and charm is a God send for some,
A workout in the morning, pump some weights and a quick run,
Then onto the lady of my life for false kisses and fun

You pay her in kind as she knows the score,
A fair bit older where plastic now covers the raw

But if its paid for and shes good for the laugh,
Then whats the big deal as this is my hollow craft

I'll use this body as this is what I was given,
BMX to a Harley, this body was made to be ridden

And I know that people just see me as shallow,
But jealousy is human and only hides in your shadow

Because life is short and its best to see it as funny,
Hell, if you had the chance you'd soon have what I have,

Love you babe,

Sugarmummy

JJB
601 · May 2019
So sorry for being so rude
John Bartholomew May 2019
The odd word sometimes slips out
I mean nothing by it
It's just human instinct
I say what I mean in the passions of such clout
Offended?
Then sorry
Or am I?
Get a grip woman,
It's just a word that instinctively rolled from my mouth
Well if you don't like this then see me when drunk
I'll tear you to pieces
I'll shatter your dreams
And leave this room dirtier than that of a skunk
Spraying the kerbside with thoughts of a madman
Speaking such truths
Littering the graves of such inbuilt angst
Whilst wittering away and dancing the can-can
Dont try and stop me as this is my food
Living on this tribal urge
The surrounding men have given up their surge
So sorry for being so rude.
573 · Feb 2018
Kid of the Nineties
John Bartholomew Feb 2018
Touring the cities of England and the UK
Back of a transit van, rocking up to anywhere that paid
The brothers Grimm and their trusty cohorts
Bonehead on rhythm, McCarroll on drums, Guigsy up to all sorts

That gig at the Wah Wah, King Tuts to be precise
Glasgow you beauty, **** the next show up in Fife
The man that found them, a mister Alan McGee
A Britpop revolution, all great memories

They came and most failed, that one gig on Top of The Pops
Menswear to Mansun and an array of rank haircuts where the seagulls did flock
We had the trendies in Camden all hanging around on their scooters with parka’s
Noel or Liam and that fella from Echobelly, anything to be famous and get on the telly

But then the times must end and it all turned a little sour
A few trudged on with an album or two, the Manics to Cast and the lyrics from John Power
Patsy and Liam had that cover on the front of Vanity Fair
Draped in Britannia, divorce on the cards, strange how no-one now cares

Good times they were without a worry in the world and a now gone era
Euro 96, Southgate’s miss and those goals from Teddy and Shearer
A time well remembered and days I’d love to see back
If not only for the music but for the not caring and the unforeseen great craic

Not to hate the now as times move on
But a day in the past, served at seventeen and to claim you were the one
Not to be asked I.D. and sneakily drink that Stella
laughing at the bar, king of the blaggers, not to be served again by that same fella

Before the phone and the apps, we used to meet face to face
Girl at the bar, a bit of blarney and a home number to suit, always up for the chase
Do you ring tomorrow and who’s going to answer
Her mum might be alright, but her dad could be a ******!

I couldn’t imagine doing it all again now
Swipe left to say no or right to give it a go
Seems inhuman to me not to spark up a chat
But maybe that’s just me, stuck in past, I’m just old hat.

JJB
A sphincter says what? - Wayne's World
John Bartholomew Oct 2018
Sprawling, this planet's skin
Dotted on the view, clouds, never ending sky
Birds don't reach these limits, a land of pilots flying high
It's a massive wonder to God's and the like
The aeroplanes engine, a miracle in itself 
I don't think an all powerful being ever imagined us taking this crazy hike
Yet here we fly above any bird in the sky
Wondrous, even plain mad, what we can put our minds too
As we do have the power, the incredulous nerve to even question some of God's will
Bring us the minds, the ticking over of this might work and we will foot this bill
Flight is not just for the now dead dinosaurs of a million years ago
It's for the now, it's time in motion, adapt and overcome 
Just give us the those dice, hey presto, what next in this unforseen century's throw 
Other planets still await our touch
Lets draw up a plan, we'll talk and comprise, we could do it over lunch
As nothing is impossible when you put your mind to it
There will be time travel next
Once the Delorean is kitted out
Don't tell me that the odds are low as we conjure these numbers and wipe our brow
For we must move onto the future of even the past once this machine is ready to roll
We will meet the kings, the queens, and even ourselves then God I'm afraid will finish this perilous, unwanted travelling soul

JJB
When fears are grounded, dreams take flight- Anon

If you were born without wings, nothing will stop them from growing - Coco Chanel

The moment you doubt you can ever fly, you cease forever to ever to able to do it - JM Barrie, Peter Pan
565 · Sep 2018
Named
John Bartholomew Sep 2018
To be called a name is not a nice thing at all
Labelled, branded, be called derogatory by a person who's views are usually quite candid
It plays on the mind for these answers you can't find and can leave a man almost lost
You fought, you battled, laughed off the daily crap and got back in the saddle
But these words have left you thinking and now slightly rattled
I've worked, took the flack, done some things wrong and gotten the sack
It's a part of life, the everyday strife, knowing where to put your foot next
And then it's read online, a social media site, your name downtrodden in text
Not all know it's meaning, but words can harm feelings, towards a person you've always admired
Life has it's negatives, for sometimes they cannot miss, a soul who used to inspire
So maybe that was it, a dig in midst,
were they drunk whilst typing this abuse and to cause a small personality bruise
It'll fade, a forgotten quip, but nobody likes to be seen as a man just out to use.

Named

JJB
There are two types of humans in this world: those who function so they can get something and those who function so they can give something - Sarah Noffke
545 · Jan 2018
Football
John Bartholomew Jan 2018
Pick a team from the local to the ten counties away
Inherited from your father or defiant like no other
Typical football fan that likes a bit of banter
No way I’ll be the same as my brother

Be it a County or a Town, there will always be days where you’ll have to frown
From striker to the keeper, mistakes are made where someone acted the clown
But when Saturday comes that will all be forgotten
Hat-trick from the Spaniard you’re once again smitten

The rivalries increase from City to United
Yours will always be the best team well that’s what your dad said
From the Celtic to the Rangers down to the Arsenals and the Hotspurs
Trouble has brewed for years without a kick-start or a stir

And then the billionaires stepped in and made it a business
Money to be made from the working class through to the Stubhub ticket
The tout on the street is an illegal source of income
Whack on a tax and the Governments blind eye is now looking handsome

So how far can this escalate with wages and ticket price entry
The first player worth a billion is only a few years away
Stadiums that hold a capacity where nobody can actually see
You think I’m making a joke, it’s all on the horizon believe me,
It’s a way of life,
Football

JJB
“I don’t believe skill was, or ever will be, the result of coaches. It is a result of a love affair between the child and the ball.” - Roy Keane
“Football is the ballet of the masses.” - Dmitri Shostakovich
“I’m a rock star because I couldn’t be a soccer star.” - Rod Stewart
"The trouble with referees is that they know the rules, but they don't know the game." - Bill Shankly
545 · Nov 2020
The Man That Never Grew Up
John Bartholomew Nov 2020
Sorry. Did I say man?

I meant men.

Men never grow up.

#plural

JJB
540 · Mar 2018
The Para’s Normal
John Bartholomew Mar 2018
That poor man, look at him sat there
On his own, shopping for one, no friends or love, bound for life in that hideous wheelchair
Do I talk for him or would that be a sin
It's the modern world, he does as he wants, his decision to be here, I'll leave it down to him
He looks up, can he reach that product, think I'd better go over and help
Can I assist you sir, shall I pass it to you or can you easily get it for yourself

Was this wrong as he sits now in silence, overstepping a mark of just plain goodwill
He looks up at me, a smirk of delight, and relief drains from me like the bitterest pill
Thank you young lady, as I hate to sometimes ask
As to you of course, it seems the simplest of tasks
Because this is not as it's always been, the paraplegic position of that poor individual
Fancy a chat, a coffee in the cafe, and I will tell you the story of how I became so crippled

A state of empowerment now downtrodden, as the view becomes less clear
It’s hard to tell in the blink of an eye, of a life we all so fear
Explanations, requirements, everyday necessities and drugs on a weekly prescription
I could bore you for hours of this tedious droll, but those things become an addiction
So as you can see, I’m not that wee poor man just looking lost in the supermarket
I have a life, I have a heart, I just can’t find a way to prove it

For I am a regular man, now operating in turmoil
As I have already put into the title
This para, really is normal

JJB
Theoretical physics is one of the few fields in which being disabled is no handicap - it is all in the mind - Stephen Hawking

How a society treats its disabled is the true measure of a civilization - Chen Guangcheng
John Bartholomew Jan 2019
Remember back, yes it was a long time ago
When England and its minions lost their one and only,
Lizzy the Busy, she did get about for an older kind of crow

Flying to her outposts and then in her nineties
Still dragging that old codger about, Philip the Greek
Insulting the natives, well he is a kind of royalty

His odd quip on the colour of somebodies skin,
Never mind how are, what a lovely child and how have you been
She married a corker there, no messing

The lands that carried her name all bowing to her superiority
Many of them just peasants not knowing of her really
From Gibraltar through to Hong Kong where they made her royal tea

Man landed on the moon, remembered for a thousand years
If real or made in a Universal studio
The passing of our Queen so real, some still holding back their tears

Reality strikes when you see what she has left of this once great land
Down to her kids to run this Island of such history
And not left it drift to the sea as if built on sinking sand

Monarchy and Royalty march hand in hand from the times of history
Lets not forget the power that we once held
To be banished away by the politically correct to leave us as a sad story

As she would turn in her grave if this once great power dissolved and died
She may not have said it but her wit and allegiance were British through and through
Grow a backbone and be proud again, and show them at least we tried to be true

JJB
“It was one of those perfect English autumnal days which occur more frequently in memory than in life.” ― P.D. James, A Taste for Death

“So many of the loveliest things in England are melancholy.” ― Dodie Smith, I Capture the Castle

An Englishman, being flattered, is a lamb; threatened, a lion - George Chapman
473 · Apr 2019
An Office Full Of Weirdos
John Bartholomew Apr 2019
We are all different
But some are more different others.
The Asian lady who cant't stop drinking her tea
The perverted Iranian who has not one wife, not two but three
The strange fella who makes noise as he walks
Probably harmless but must have a woman that he stalks
The bodybuilder who talks to no-one unless in trouble
Trying to grow a goatee but looks like daft stubble
Always the computer buff who knows how to hide his secret sites
If we knew how to access his stuff he'd soon enough take flight
The chubby man who's wife we believe is Thai
Most British girls just turned him away, well at least he tried
Then there's the cheeky sod who says he's wheelchair bound
Comes out with some screamers but no one utters a sound
And how could I forget the older lady who's divorced three times
You didn't know that? Oh you'll find out down the line
And then there is me who I think to be plain and normal
But God only knows what they say about me, nice and informal?
Not from this lot

An Office Full of Weirdos

JJB
I am weird, you are weird. Everyone in this world is weird. One day two people come together in mutual weirdness and fall in love. ~ Dr. Seuss
467 · Aug 2018
The Importance of Being Me
John Bartholomew Aug 2018
You are Number One
You don't get hurt
You avoid sharp objects
You keep away from the dangerous
You shy away from the precarious
You do all this because you know
You drive a car most likely a Volvo
You don't fly on planes as they sometimes crash
You keep to the middle lane as motorways can be havoc
You even avoid roundabouts but always give way to the right
You know your times of what trains arriving
You have a set routine as disruption is not part of life's plan
You know people find you boring but that's down to them
You wash the car every Sunday as its recommended in life
You casually converse with your neighbour but secretly hate them
You even as a kid avoided climbing the local tree's because,

Life is a short journey and what is to be is to be,

The Importance of Being Me

JJB
“A storyteller makes up things to help other people; a liar makes up things to help himself.” ― Daniel Wallace

“Living as I do with human beings, the more that I observe them, the more I am forced to conclude that they are selfish.” ― Sōseki Natsume, I Am a Cat

“There are two types of humans in this world: those who function so they can get something and those who function so they can give something.” ― Sarah Noffke

“Again we have the problem that whether you’re moral or not is a matter of whether it's cost-effective.” ― Rebecca McNutt
455 · Dec 2018
False Death
John Bartholomew Dec 2018
Death
  It happens
   No avoiding it
      Who's gonna miss you?
       Well lets stay and find out
       Fake it and hide at the funeral
      And see who really cared for you fool
       Who sheds a tear or who's just for a beer
        Your jokes were risky but with good humour
            Some walked away but no one would really tell ya
            You larked around and sometimes pushed the limits
            Well that's just life and that's just the way it sometimes is
           Never to grow up and still acting like one of the daft kids
           Living life without a care oh yes ignorance really is bliss
            even my neighbour turned up over my Uncle and Aunt
            Surprising as he hated my music well my Robert Plant
            Well even the Gooner turned up as football is respect
           He wouldn't even bite even if it was on a daft text
         So this is the showing that I have amount too
          Me stuck in a bush watching this rabble cry
            I'm actually flattered that they even tried
          Should I reveal myself to spoil the gig
          Just to show me to be a selfish pig
             I'm honoured I really truly am
              Shame about the sandwiches
              Pickled onions with Spam
            Think I'll stay alive
             As the foods bad
              No party now
               So overrated
               Is death
                R.I.P.
There are more dead people than living. And their numbers are increasing. The living are getting rarer - EUGENE IONESCO, Rhinoceros

Dying is like getting audited by the IRS--something that only happens to other people ... until it happens to you - JEROME P. CRABB, Death Quotes and Quibbles

Cowards die many times before their deaths
The valiant never taste of death but once - WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, Julius Caesar
453 · Jan 2019
How to Write a Speech
John Bartholomew Jan 2019
Ahem (in your own head)
...........
"AHEM"
Scan your crowd, over the top of your glasses if possible
Tough?
Could be
Depends on who read the resume
On who knows what
On who knows who
On who knows you
This could be a breeze depending whats on offer
Are they here for your wit or for the real thing
This long winded corporate speech, I'm not here to sing
They look like they are tetchy
Some even nonplussed as this is anything but fetching
How to wow a crowd in 5 minutes without sounding preachy
Revert to Powerpoint as a distraction technique
I'm trying to give myself here at the height of my peak
To anyone of any faith, Christian, Muslim or Sikh
The whole point of me being here is to sell my goods to the crowd
I'm here to teach as my product is at its best
You've seen the others all fallen from the same nest
Now look at mine with that extra bit of wow, pizzazz and zest
So this is the part that come Au Natural and you cannot teach
I need the people in front of me in awe and at my feet as this is,

How to Write a Speech....

"Hello....."

JJB
A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd. – Max Lucado

Build something 100 people love, not something 1 million people kind of like. – Brian Chesky

Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.  – Albert Einstein

The successful warrior is the average man, with laser-like focus.  – Bruce Lee
445 · Nov 2017
An Every Man.
John Bartholomew Nov 2017
A reason to love me
you need a reason to love me
Come and speak and I'll show you the hard way
What jumps out of my mouth never meant to be offensive
Something to say, bring it on, the fence is somewhere I'll never sit
A reason to love me
you need a reason to love me
The face department never screamed I'm a looker
A line of flattery, absurd over indulgence, yeah that should hook her
Just don’t expect to much as like most I’m part failure
A reason to love me
you need a reason to love me
having goals that will probably never be reached
I’m just like him, run of the mill
I know what I know and that you cannot teach
A reason to love me
you need a reason to love me
always dreaming of a better tomorrow
a charmed life if you just beg steal and borrow
I’ll climb so high but not up Kilimanjaro
A reason to love me
you need a reason to love me
I’m not driving around in a brand new Audi A6
if you want a city boy then he’ll do the trick
I’m happy where I am out here in the sticks
A reason to love me
you need a reason to love me
well you’ve seen what I’ve got and that’s me to a tee
never fighting to hard so sod it
what will be will be
A reason to leave me
you need a reason to leave me
a summing up of a life just every day and ordinary
what was you expecting, Clark Kent or some other story
sorry my love, that’s just me, an every man, subtle and slightly boring

JJB
445 · Jul 2018
Nobody's Fault But My Own
John Bartholomew Jul 2018
A flitter, a flutter, whats a few quid on a bet
the folly broke its leg on that run, better call that final vet
much like the creature that ran its last race
there are certain things in this life that I cannot face

Her high pitched scream of a laugh is almost a squeal
such a pretty face but her mannerisms and depth I cannot deal
I laughed, tagged along, at first it all seemed so great
but it ends up so weary, solemn yet teary, its day has had its final fate

She had her ups, I had my downs, to be away was my final curtain
had to leave the house, crept to the bookies like a sneaky woodlouse, that divorce was almost certain
but I prefer a bet to her hair, and to always be there, hold the phone, there's a tip at the 3:30 in Ripon
my friends said I must be mad, to leave that beauty, oh so bad, well yes, I must be ****** trippin

But that's life i'm afraid, we all have plans that must be laid, some leading wholly in the wrong direction
she's with some other man now, almost the size of a baby cow, I'm sure their bubba will be perfection

So the bookies it still calls, if its horses to Saturdays goals, those dice will always for me be thrown
for it is what it is, a life as a quiz, what will tomorrow bring, as it really is,

nobody's fault but my own

JJB
Eat your betting money but don't bet your eating money - Anon

The best throw of the dice is to throw them away. –Unknown

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. –Kin Hubbard

A gambler never makes the same mistake twice. It's usually three or more times. –Terrence "VP Pappy" Murphy

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. –Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)

You know, horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people. –Will Rogers
434 · Jan 2018
False Front
John Bartholomew Jan 2018
We all want to live the high life, but few can ill afford it
The glamour the glitz to dining at the Ritz, a means to which we could all be easily adjusted
But the nine till five pays pittance for those shots in Hello and Vogue
The dreamer can dream their dreams while living off that hefty loan

The Range Rover, the Levante, the Lexus RX, who wouldn’t be jealous of a little luxury
The clothes to the house with security and lights, boy you must be worth a few pennies
Erroneousness and the falsehood of a life well concealed
Paying back that percentage rate from which you may now reel

The reality is your just keeping up with the Jones's
Penny pinching is a way of life but best not show the neighbours
Walk on with your head held high in the knowing that all’s not good
Struggling to pay the bills and sometimes even your food

So here comes the bail out from someone close by
Indebted to your eyeballs without the decency to even cry
The banks would laugh at your misgivings knowing the debt was in their hands
But you carry on, it’s a way of life hanging onto that final strand

You’re in the clear, all debt is gone, time to make a fresh new start
A second hand Fiesta, *** burns in the seat, what happened to my big shiny car
The mums at the gate all talking in sneers, now that I’m out of the pack
Fill out that online form, more credit to burn, time to get back on track,
and revitalize that false front.

JJB
The recession won’t be over till we raise a generation that knows how to live on what they’ve got. – Unknown
423 · Jan 2018
Easy Tiger
John Bartholomew Jan 2018
Times turn for that night on the town
All week at work and now it’s time to be found
This way or that way a few shots at the bar,
A pint or two now just settle the nerves
Skin on skin if it’s Sonny or Cher
A night back at mine for I don’t really care

You’re a desperate case of loving if that’s what you want
Anywhere will do if you drink from that font

Hello, from the ***** side of drinking
Hello, just what had you been thinking
Had enough, of this desperate kind of torture
Time to change, to a newer type of nature

A new you well that’s what you’re thinking
Giving up on highs and the ugly side of sinking
A road of new signs, travel now to somewhere
That new name, taken out of fresh air
Let’s build this man, another to mix with the yes I cans
Married with that job, no different from you and me man

You’re a desperate case of loving if that’s what you want
Anywhere will do if you drink from that font

Hello, from the ***** side of drinking
Hello, just what had you been thinking
Had enough, of this desperate kind of torture
Time to change, to a newer type of nature

So, this is me, fresh new eyes to a world of cynicism
The choices I once now made open to your scepticism
Times move on so let’s forget the mistakes I made
I was young and open to most things I’m afraid
There’s no next time so lets just try it now
You’re along time dead, just give it all a go
Its goodbye from me as I take my final bow,
Easy tiger.

JJB
421 · Apr 2018
Edited
John Bartholomew Apr 2018
Take a picture. Snap! Now show the world where you have been
That brilliant destination and all of the sights that you have seen
Be it Morocco and onto Timbuctoo, not a thing ever went wrong
The lies that we can tell whilst singing a different song

We live the perfect life as seen by the planet and its friends
Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, instantly removed in a millisecond
For what they can see is fake and often ******
A quick brush up, a digitized wipe and Instagram is oh so worthy

A story to tell your friends of that fantastic night out
Not to mention that later on the bouncer kicked you all out
Delete that girl in the background that you pulled after that shot
The town bike to all who know, never going back to that spot

For social media will always tell a different story
Best looking people in the frame, a night of unreal glory
Waking up with an STD, let’s keep that well away
Some **** at the bar not smooth and slick, forget the box of Milk Tray
For this never happened looking down at your feet
Hers or his, whoevers bed it is
Hence,

Edited

JJB
Often real life is boring and problematic. I love the edited version of it - Terry Gross

Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited - Ambrose Bierce
419 · Feb 2018
A Million Thoughts
John Bartholomew Feb 2018
If you are not like me then you will never probably see
The million thoughts I dream of being everyday
A sailor, a wrestler, but never a candlestick maker (ambition people, come on!)

We all think outside the box but end up never breaking out
Tesco’s, stuck on the till, idealist conceptions up on a hill but sat here earning nowt

Its human instinct to better yourself
Flunked GCSE’s, a mortgage to pay but still dreaming of better days

Am I the only one who thinks like this
I work to live, not live to work, the optimist in me always wanting his bliss

Life begins to **** this wanting of a concept
Sorry lads, the time is now, be like them and live with the debts

It’s what you do that counts, that journey from start to finish
Live like a king or slide away and diminish,

A million thoughts

JJB
"It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation." -- Herman Melville
"Opportunities don't happen. You create them." -- Chris Grosser
"Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm." -- Winston Churchill
409 · Nov 2018
Middle Age, Man...
John Bartholomew Nov 2018
Approaching like a soul with a bad news update
Small things gradually start to appear
Time,
Loss,
Fear,
That first grey hair on your head
Now showing up in places that you dread
Pants,
Chest,
Nostrils,
No way man,
Impossible
The beat of the radio flicks from Radio 1 to 2
Don't try and deny it, you know this to be true
Now Elbow,
Mike and the Mechanics
Nothing wrong with a bit of Elvis Presley
Now this is getting scary
I'm going to need a Harley or a soft top soon
Impress the ladies that I'm still in tune
Chinos,
Loafers,
A semi grey goatee
Oh man,
I hate becoming an oldie

JJB
Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you - Ogden Nash

Middle age is when your old classmates are so grey and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you - Bennett Cerf

Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places -  E. Joseph Cossman
389 · Apr 2018
The Introvert
John Bartholomew Apr 2018
Recently I was told that I need to sell my best aspects
My personal growth, what I can do and that I'm really worth it
Put it on a plate, feed them your brilliance that you’re the right cog for their kit
But I am not that way inclined, I’d rather watch the world go by, as sitting on the wall is where I fit

I don’t mean to be quiet, I have a lot to say but sometimes can be a little shy
Do my words make sense, I’ll just sit on the fence and dream of my bigger fish to fry
But I am told I can make it, don’t just try and fake it, step into this world and be seen
Don’t bottle it up, you have words to be said, all tied down since you was a teen

So where do I start, with these words of mine, in talk or best left written
Do I turn to poetry, or comedy on stage, is this more to chew than I have bitten
What if I’m a failure, looked down upon as a man without a cause
I think this is what has stopped me for years, my life always stuck on pause

There is a word for us that has crept into modern speech, that word being procrastination
I’ll do it tomorrow, never boarding that train, always left wondering at the station
Okay, so maybe that’s too strong a word, I’m a bolder man than an introvert
Just do as you say, step into that pit and stop scratching around in the dirt

For you have ideas, some larger than life
And that one that you always ponder
Roll it out on show, it’s a dead cert
And the world will gasp in wonder

The Introvert

JJB
“In order to be open to creativity, one must have the capacity for constructive use of solitude. One must overcome the fear of being alone.” ~ Rollo May

“I am a minimalist. I like saying the most with the least.” ~ Bob Newhart

“I talked to a calzone for fifteen minutes last night before I realized it was just an introverted pizza. I wish all my acquaintances were so tasty.” ~ Jarod Kintz
371 · Jun 2018
I
John Bartholomew Jun 2018
I
I am me and nothing else
I do as I please and **** the rest
I can be selfish but also a really nice chap
I speak no ills and cut out the crap
I want to be loved but can go without
I want to be in town but I live far out
I want the perfect job but sat here with a dream
I had it all in my head until I hit the real life screen
I look at the celebs and wonder just how
I cry myself to sleep with the sweat on my brow
I want to be everything that I am not
I wonder why we are given these dreams in a chase where we all one day stop
I wonder
I ponder
I dream,
Man do I dream.

JJB
Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. – Oscar Wilde

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. – Bernard Baruch

You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realised how seldom they do. – Eleanor Roosevelt
370 · Jul 2018
Drunk
John Bartholomew Jul 2018
Whatever is that urge, that unthoughtful splurge, to annihilate every last thought of that day
to drink to kingdom come, conversations with anyone, and spend all that you have been paid

what ungodly flicker of thought, has you drinking that last drop that you bought
until the sun rises, awake on a bench, lessons that really cannot be taught

Rewind that human clock, until a time when all was once well
hindsight on a wrong word said, tripped in conversation, drink brings up its show and tell
that marriage that you could have had, now stalked each day on Facebook
sent them a drunk friend request, regrets in the morning, crazy thoughts that overtook

I love you man, a Tesco ban, for stealing ***** after the midnight hour of twelve
we laughed and sang, kebabs and dips, only here once so what the hell
the morning after, 12 cans and draught ale, anything that doesn’t touch the sides
your head is thumping, hair of the dog is calling, Round 2 of this stupid drunken ride

But at what point do we put the brakes on, man’s liver this wasn’t built for, the older the less wiser
you’ve tried the lagers, you’ve tried the ciders, lets knock it on the head, time for the Tizer
for the greyer the hair the less you can bare, as our bodies are not getting any younger
now I love to be merry, but it’s a weight I can’t carry, as drink is a thing I can’t do any longer

Drunk

JJB
“ALWAYS DO SOBER WHAT YOU SAID YOU’D DO DRUNK. THAT WILL TEACH YOU TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.” ~ ERNEST HEMINGWAY

“I COOK WITH WINE, SOMETIMES I EVEN ADD IT TO THE FOOD.”~ W.C. FIELDS

“A DRUNK MAN’S WORDS ARE A SOBER MAN’S THOUGHTS.” ~ STEVE FERGOSI
365 · Jun 2018
Bay 3 Bed 1
John Bartholomew Jun 2018
I remember nothing, that night I had my crash
7 cracked ribs, 1 punctured lung, the other collapsed, my spine taking the ultimate bash
9 months inside, those doctors saving my life, where would I be without the NHS
27 years old, life just at its beginning, those days gone would now be your best

Waking up I looked at my mum and then looked at my dad, tracheostomy stopping me from talking
6 weeks induced coma, crazy dreams I couldn’t tell you, girlfriend now presumably walking
Knowing before told, who is going to be so bold, to tell me the news I knew but still did dread
Dad by my side, a finalisation they could not hide, it’s unlikely you will ever walk again

This I knew but dare not say, family and friends suffering in the know
A wheelchair for life, not me, its not right, too young for this to swallow
Moved to a place where spinal injuries were rife
Stanmore National Orthopaedic Hospital. an institution where you start to see the light

Moved from ward to ward, progress slow but on the mend
contemplating so many situations and a world I did not understand
faces and places now all the same still lying on my back
I want to sit up, be normal again and get this soul back on track

Taught about so much that I really did not know
your biggest priority now was your skin, pressure sores a definite no-no
learning to go to the toilet in a completely different way
catheters and a tube of ****, a perverted dream for some that even pay

The outside world a playground not built for the likes of those in a wheelchair
a trip into town, get used to the tube, disabled design back in the day not really a care
getting into a car, an ease all my life, now governed by the height of the roof
legs under a table, as some now unable, the world now a minefield is the honest truth

I met some characters in that place, men and women with stories to make your mouth drop
some on drugs, some back from the war, one woken from a spinal stroke, wow what a crop
I met certain nurses, most of whom were fabulous and are still now friends
then there were a certain few, riled and crass and basically, a pain in the ***

And this is where life starts all over again
getting used to the looks, sympathetic and loving, life now on a new trend
from being stuck in that ward where a suppository is now needed for my ***
you’ll know where I am, end of the corridor, bay 3 bed 1

JJB
“They laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at them because they're all the same.” ― Kurt Cobain

“You're incredibly, absolutely, extremely, supremely, unbelievably different.” ― Kami Garcia, Beautiful Creatures

“You're different. And I'm different too. Different is good. But different is hard. Believe me, I know.” ― Matthew Quick, Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock
360 · Nov 2017
The Power
John Bartholomew Nov 2017
We live our lives always needing more power
Changing our lives to a different set of items that need just another hour
My iphone
My Samsung
My office presentation
Shown to all that will listen by that software
Which its point is its power
Power
Power
Power

Did we always need this consumption that drains us on a daily basis
Stocking up on rations in war while the legions try to invade us
Its food
Its water
Its what we need to survive
Look at what we've become when we just need to thrive, yes
Power
Power
Power

Lets go to war and make our country stronger
New lands to ravage for historians to wonder why and ponder
Its harvesting
Its farming
Its boundaries and new borders
But to rule the world would be a sin, yes
Power
Power
Power

Comes in all shapes and sizes this lust we all now need
Human instinct now put to rest
So long as we have good broadband speed
Its tablets
Its laptops
Its the fear of it just dropping dead
As long as its on charge close to hand beside our bed, yes
Power
Power
Power

We all need that bit more power

JJB
359 · Mar 2018
The Taming of the Stu
John Bartholomew Mar 2018
He’s a man, the cause of all trouble
Night on the town, Brut for men, that cut of designer stubble
The cheek and the posture, any girl to talk too
A dance, a chat, a kiss on the cheek
He knows how to see the night through

The rules don’t matter when he’s on a mission
Gets stuck in, past the finish line, yeah, that’s his vision
Dressed like a Britpop icon but still thinks he’s a Beatle
The cords, Ben Sherman jacket, shoes that blow your mind
45 on the player, grooving to the sound from the needle

Music rattles around from the depths of Carnaby Street
The Kinks, Lennon to McCartney and even onto The Sweet
Can be crazy like us all, we all have that switch, that one that hides the truth
Hidden, its depths, sometimes need to be unleashed
For that my friend is called character, hiding those forgotten blues
That person is closer than you can see
For that really is,
The taming of the Stu

JJB
A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked. - Bernard Meltzer

Best friends...they know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.  - unknown

A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they're not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they're not so bad. -  Arnold H. Glasgow
358 · Sep 2018
Losing the plot (Sorry)
John Bartholomew Sep 2018
Quiet, an observer, not part of the scene
Flowing in the background like a river serene
Supping the irish stout, sometimes with a dash of black
I never meant to offend, a car crash now I lose my head, not the me of old, very out of trend
The loss of control to parts now out of reach
Learning as a kid, the facts of life, now an impossible body to teach
I can't stop it, this loss of infuriate rage
It's not the man I am, now living life on a completely different stage
If God had a wand I wish he would wave it calmly, cooly, and fix my frustrated ways
For this is not me, that once quiet man,
I don't enjoy this life any more, I wish it just a faze
And for it to just stop, as sometimes I think
I am,

Losing the plot

JJB
John Bartholomew Jun 2018
Basically, I am the apple of my eye
My parents? Yeah, but look, I'm the beauty in this story
I've got mirrors placed around my house for there is a second I cannot miss
Me, myself and I, always at hand, my trusted selfie-stick
A story straight onto Instagram of pics just taken on a girls night out
What can I add; big bunny eyes, a cute little nose and a naughty pornstar pout
With the guys I meet, they're nearly as fit as me
Muscles on show, fake tan glowing ****** into their skinny fit T
Basically, my life is perfect as you can see everyday on social media
It's the effects that drain out the reality and they are all out to fool you

But nobody leads a life as perfect as these

When was the last time you had a day when absolutely nothing went wrong?
These people we presume live in perfection, where a trip to the toilet is just a perfect release from the amazing pictured food they had just eaten
They have never been hurt as their friends are all so wholesome
A divorce in their family, that only happens in a world of others that is gruesome
But yes, they hide it well as the same **** does still happen
It's the lives of today where you can edit this stuff and no-one can frown upon
It gives the fake reality of how we do really live
As we strain every imperfection through the computers built in media sieve

JJB
342 · Dec 2019
Demons
John Bartholomew Dec 2019
Sober.
It's an acquired state on mind.
A conscious
A quietness
A fondness
One may say, a heir achy, from you all.

Drunk.
Also an acquired state of mind.
A derailment
A letting go of it all
An unseen hurting inside

You don't know whats happened to that soul
An incident so unforgiving its led to this black hole
The judge in you thinks your above that sad being
But in their own self conscious, it's trouble they are fleeing

(Never judge what you never know)

JJB
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