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I've become so stressed
Every little thing,
from what dress to a salad with cress?
I have forgotton what makes me even tick
What makes me smile,
from words on the crossword to my morning sick
And from my tick onto my tock
What still fits ,
What do I wear from my joggers to a frock
To calculate my brain from maths to a sudoku sum,
these used to be so easy
Jeez, what have I become?
My legs just keep kicking and are now so restless
A kick now inside out,
this babys just wants h** final exit
Still months to go but getting all so bigger
Every day some more weight on,
I cannot wait for its final ****** trigger!

Sep 8 · 61
The Day I Died
No date no time
Just in these arms of mine
Nothing could prepare you
That tea your final brew
No last words
It would have been somethimg absurd
Obviously to just make you laugh
Thundercats on TV with that ginger brat Snarf
A cartoon to throw me back to my youth
Oasis on the wireless with aint that the truth
Those final tears as we cuddle and regretfully cried
A day never to be relived again
The day I died

Sep 3 · 121
Thats nice
Oh, I like that
It'll look good on the shelf
Now stuck in that drawer, gathering ill heath
The football programmes
The bottles of bleach from the Tenerife sun-tan
The school nativity play from your neighbour Stan
All shoved in the closet
With the receipt for the apartment deposit
Gathering dust for that day that you want it
Forgotten in the turns of time
Like that vinegar once bought decayed in brine
Stuck in the cupboard behind the lemon and lime
We look at it and always sadly mutter
I love it
I'll use it one day
This endless debris of useless, worthless, selfless,

“Out of clutter, find simplicity.” ― Albert Einstein

“Clutter is my natural habitat.” ― Maggie Stiefvater, The Scorpio Races

“...that once were urgent and necessary for an orderly world and now were buried away, gathering dust and of no use to anyone.” ― Patricia A. McKillip, Alphabet of Thorn

“I like working among ‘creative clutter’. It gives me a sense of activity and achievement.”― Fennel Hudson, A Meaningful Life - Fennel's Journal - No. 1
Aug 26 · 49
Better Than This
Restraints, complaints, lifes been on the taint
Thrown us into a world we'd all never known
Lockdowns and get downs but not to no jazzy funk
A life we've all unwantingly been thrown
Whats right
Whats wrong
We didnt think it would last this long
Still covering our face from the deadliest of bugs
The nay sayers
The everyday prayers
The fools on life support who just didnt care
Anxiety attacks
The toughest of men who normally have your back
Just break down when their world immedietely turns black
There is a light though in from this 2020 tunnel
As we grab it to the ground and hit back with a pummel
Suffocate it in a headlock and **** it as it stumbles
For we are better than some poxy Chinese manmade curse
We'll watch it die and lend it no nurse
As we are stronger than this and not here just as a rehearse.

Better Than This.

Aug 13 · 39
A cupboard full of cups all of which are assorted
Some you like
Some you loathe
Some should just be aborted
Now I can't throw that away as it's not mine to drink
A present, a holiday place when at the time you didnt think
That football you team you despise but your partner just loves
Or their unicorn standing tall releasing turtle doves (come on)
But you frown and leave them to be
Pushed to the back so that no one can actually see
You pick the same 4 mugs on a daily basis
One for tea, one for lunch and your favourite, your secret
Its a sad state of affairs when you have your priorities
Which is best for a cup-a-soup over your mug of tea
But I think this is what makes us a total breed apart
We stop
We think
We look in the sink
As a cup of tea is the only way to start.

Tea is a part of daily life. It is as simple as eating when hungry and drinking when thirsty.” – Yamamoto Soshun
Aug 8 · 89
I'm Rubbish
I'm ******* at saying goodbyes
I'm ******* at using chopstix to catch fireflies
I'm ******* at emotions when I just sit and sigh
I'm ******* at love when all I do is cry
I'm ******* at my job when I just sit and daydream
I'm ******* as fishing when I want a whopper only ending up with a minnow or a small bream
I'm ******* at film endings when all is not what it seems
I'm ******* at most things,
but that's what makes life wonderful,
topped with a bit of squirty cream!

******* is just normal, trust me.

Aug 8 · 26
That Horrible Feeling
Nobody is ill
Nobody has died
Nobody has spoken of bad

But something is missing

Something just isn't right
Something is wondering tonight
Something is hovering like a kite

In that gut reaction

Pulling at you like traction
Pulling apart those mathematical fractions
Pulling at those grey cells for a little sanction

But there its sat lingering

Just toying and tinkering
Just hanging on out of the sinking
Just leaving you lost and still wondering

That horrible feeling

Jul 22 · 44
Doing Life Backwards
Blagging it at 19 saying I was 23
Agencies believed me with no photo ID
Plumber with no certificates just taking a big chance
Stood my ground,
looked real good,
while taking this unknown stance
Got away with it until I crashed into my comeuppance
From earning big bucks to starting again,
lifes not good back earning just a tuppence
I gave it the large,
Six five with a shoulder barge,
don't even try and stop me
Now four foot ten
A midge amongst men
Starting all over again
But hey, I done it to myself
A life of ill health
Thinking I was impenetrable and of hard stealth
I left my love shaken and numb
For being so selfish and dumb
Life really does has it's unforeseen conundrums,
and I'm sorry x

Doing Life Backwards

Jul 20 · 94
Her Choice/His Voice.
That grumbling roar of a voice not so pure
Always moaning on the phone whilst listening at the door
The world upsets him on almost every level
For that is not his voice but one who asides with a devil
We all gossip that he never ever stops
But somebody else is crossing his Tee's and feeding his daily rot
He maybe nice but from years of endless nagging
A silent mistress behind the scene feeding his needless slagging
As she was once a nurse but really no Marie Curie
For she feeds him her woes and her strife now vented in his fury.

Oh, so you're going to be a parent?
Well, revel in your silence
Remember what you have now as precedent
And don't look back on what you once had
As that little storm is brewing

The Silence Before The Storm

Jun 26 · 45
Boring, Man
When did we lose it
That pow
That zip
That zap
That day mid-thirties you look in the mirror
And you've become a little bit fat
That get up-and-go
Now you've become slow
Watching life mould and your toenails grow
Your friends become distant
As you wonder of their existance
Followed on Facebook for their stories of fiction
It really is sad
Was our friendship just a fad
As we drift into the old and once had
Does life become a trot
Knowing the cold from the hot
And where in life is our best spot
Or is it a a case of embrassing lifes span
You done your best and all that you can
It's not me man
You just became all boring, man

Jun 23 · 31
A Storm is Brewing
If coffee is your pick me up
Some toast, brush your teeth and then a sup
of course, from your favourite cup
A little toing and throwing
Once that storms been brewing
Then stick the telly on for the daily stewing
JV with his band of ever ready journalists
Some too gobby, some too shy, the odd one taking the, ahem
All settled down by that voice from the Scottish mist
Men seem to sway to the sound of her calming charm
The women mainly agree after the wake up of their alarm
Still sat on the sofa in your quilt, just to keep warm
A pick me up for your everyday commit
Two hours of fun, frolics, politics and while you just sit
And think about how to keep going and just to keep fit

A Storm is Brewing

It's a day we never know coming
Could be anything
An accident
A car crash
A mafia whack
And you just think you'll go on forever
Well listen up
Today is Tuesday
It could be any day
But it is today
I won't say how
I won't say why
But it's going to be a today
Who knew?

Jun 9 · 22
Together Alone
We used to walk
And revel on what we might be
We used to talk
About dreams of you and me
We used to laugh
Watching comedy on TV
But didn't see it coming
The devil and the deep blue sea
What divides us now
From the grass and the as yet grown trees
We just seemed to lose our touch
And sadly that's what broke,

Jun 8 · 26
Last Tree Standing
Game face that's been all for show
Twisted arms when the wind still blows
Lost leaves on this dying breeze
No noise
No snivels
Not even a sneeze
Lonely stood in a desert field
Waters gone nothing left to yield
God's will to breed a human race
A silent tear rolls down his face
So what's next in his tricks and branding
To outdo,
Last tree standing.

Spike Milligan's epitaph includes the phrase Dúirt mé leat go raibh mé breoite, Irish for "I told you I was ill"
Jun 7 · 83
On Navy Pier
A trip to Chicago
Just somewhere
You got to go
A city of love and utmost flair
Don't deny the ego
From downtown
To the contraflow
The boats all docked under the shared
Jetty to outrig
From small to the ultra big
Ropes tied to hold them in place
Let's get something
Now to eat
Sit down
Get off our feet
Walking has got us the ****
From tourists to Bubba Gump
Let's have a beer
Take in the cheers
4th of July is best right here
Sat back
On Navy Pier.

Jun 7 · 40
Endorphins? I win!
13 likes after nearly twenty minutes
Am I losing my skills or is my status not worth giving
My ex got 437 for just tweaking her fine ***
To most men thats never a quick pass
What can I update to just make me feel a little bit better
Anything will do just for that feel good filler
I think theyre all bored of the photos of my pets
They've seen the snaps of Ibiza that starts inside the jet
A flash of skin for some easy likes,
now thats a safer bet
So watch me rise with this post come boast,
It's almost living in sin
I just need that rush to my head,
I win
I win
I win!


May 5 · 80
I'll give you dinosaurs
I'll give you world wide wars
I'll give you religions all to believe
I'll give you sights you can never unsee
I'll give you trends all to wear
I'll give you people for whom you won't care
I'll give you diseases for those who do stare
I'll give you a cure to avoid a wheelchair
I'll give you a choice if you believe all this to be true
I'll give you a minute and I'll get back to you


Apr 25 · 43
What's passed has passed
It's all in the past
A quick thought on time gone by
No looking back
You've cut your slack
Move in
Move on
No time to wallow
For long lost goodbyes

Apr 11 · 50
Of what decendants do we come
Were we first
Are we last
Scrapped from the depths of his doledrums
Just a test and game for him to play
Does he have other worlds
Full of creatures that might make your toes curl
As gruesome as your inner most thoughts
Or a brother and sister of whom he may have taught
Do we coinside with a billion other types of universe
Spinning and just whirling
All kept in a case
Just shelved to keep them smiling
And answer me this young thing of whom I know not speak
Who watches on him who thinks he guards us


“The psychotic drowns in the same waters in which the mystic swims with delight.”
― Joseph Campbell
Apr 3 · 67
Last Question
This is neither poem nor query
Just a thought on that last final theory

What does rhyme with that word we know as death?
As the world finally stops turning and man sighs his final last breath

Our brains won't let us dig that far as it scares us to our wits
Go on, give it a go, you'll just come back in bits

It's the finality that our God's will never let us try to think
For we never know of that final second that just leaves us on the brink

Life is so sacred it cannot be loaded like a Commodore 64 tape
Its to be lived once, fully loaded, not in bouts and in breaks

So what is your last question before you step through those holy gates?
After this life are there any more, as I'd like a few more goes at those awkward first dates!
Apr 2 · 28
Trapped England
Flying on a plane when we could just get out
The freedom
The thoughts
The now

Then popped up this covid that left us all stranded
The lockdowns
The furloughs
The doubts

When no planning was needed and our thoughts all exceeded
Before the no's
Before the woe's
Before the who goes?

Just to have that clasp of unfiltered freedom
To just plan
To just expand
To just not give a ****

To just not be still stuck right here in this Government ruled land,
Please never let it happen again,

Trapped England

Mar 24 · 20
This album reminds me of another time
Before I committed the most selfish of personal crimes
Upsetting the odds and breaking up lifes timetable
To become paralysed and a whole less able
No words can explain my personal pain
To have left my loved ones in the hugest downpour of rain
Escaping on lifes support whilst oblivious in an induced coma
Such a selfish *******, yes I know
Please don't go there
For I love the people who stuck with me through each and every scene
Without you, Jeez, where would I now have been
As I now feel that one word that's sown up my loose seems,

Redemption is not perfection. The redeemed must realize their imperfections. - John Piper

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone. - Audrey Hepburn
Mar 22 · 95
B-side (the seaside)
You are not a song forgotten
Thrown onto the back downtrodden
Recorded to just fill that gap
Written after I'd had my nap
For the best of girls they always hide
Like a discovered song you only knew
On that sunny August afternoon
B - side (the seaside)

Mar 14 · 23
Never Normal
I don't think I have ever been 'normal'
One that ticks every box
Ever so pleasant and formal
But who does walk this never trodden line?
One so boring it'll never be remembered in time
As I like the path that ridicules and perceives
That man they always talk about,
A legend like Jimmy Greaves
Don't tow the line to just fit in like the rest
Be extravagant
Be that jealous talent
Be the ****** best

Do you want to do more or be more? -
Frank Sonnenberg
Mar 13 · 31
The world is a machine
Everyday running on human tasks
7 billion of us just the same
All wearing our Covid masks
It judder's to a start when we first arise
We stretch
We yawn
And work until its time for beddybyes
Now if that one person tells you they're not
A part of this operation all working as one
Then my friend they cannot see,
That they are its final component
In this megalithic device
For they are just,
a cog.

Mar 11 · 33
Poem for Nick Drake
You make me smile in your ever lost misery
And sleep as sound as a dry riverbed once purred
Words that reveal
That heal
And just make the final seal for my prayers
As I look to the God's as I kneel
I'm gay
I'm straight
I'm as bent as the next partner I feel
I am what I am
Hence, goodbye

And sigh......

Nothing ever really makes any sense. Does it?
Mar 2 · 319
Cover Girl
Half a million hits
Whilst the pervs progressively click
Lacy knickers on as there she solely sits
Bra on the floor just flashing her...oh my!
I'll let you fill in the rest of the bits.

Feb 24 · 32
Lost without love
She up and left
without a breath
Was it something I said?
That morning kiss
Such small things I miss
As I lay alone in our double bed
Your annoying 7am alarm call
To that lingerie that made me just drawl
I still can't believe you are gone
But I must move on from your memory
Such new adventures still scare me
As I am,

Lost without love.

Feb 20 · 197
We all have our reasons
The good Lord watches
I sit and watch with him
(He nods in agreement)
He gives it ten minutes
(His face saddens and frowns in disappointment)
Yes my Son, I now see why you must leave her
A reason is not only yours until you have an agreement
I feel the Lords eye was my biggest nod and waver for this unwanted decision as,
We all have our reasons.

Feb 19 · 40
Somethings Happening
I can feel it
Is it the place
Is it the company
Is it the time
Is it the day
Something is coming
Something very soon
I'm telling you
I can feel it

Somethings Happening

Feb 15 · 33
The day I died
It's the only page in your diary marked as free
As none of us know when that day will be
Who will turn up as I'm lowered into the ground
The landing of box to soil being my final sound
As life only has one certainty and that sadly is death
For nobody knows what lies beyond as we take our final breath

Feb 13 · 29
Nobody's Perfect
I know I'm a nice bloke but we all have our faults
I talk a good talk but need to tighten a few bolts
We slap on some make up to cover our flaws
But being a gentleman I'd still hold open your door
I can't afford the Caribbean so it's a caravan in Wales
We can get drunk in the local pub and listen the locals tales
I'd rather stick with my mates than the hoi polloi set
Hey, that's just my choice,
Nobody's perfect

Feb 8 · 34
What is the purpose of this visit?
Is time on Earth just a phase
An appearance to say hello, goodbye,
I only popped in for a minute
For some people seem to transcend,
and not even say goodbye
While others just don't leave, please go, you've had your ****** time
Because sometimes I'd just like to appear without even saying hello
I've done my bit, toodlepip, its time for me to go


The last lockdown stuck in house
Running out of conversation with your once loved spouse
Ideas are blank now due to the monotony
Its starting to feel like a nationwide lobotomy
This is how it must feel to be a Government led zombie


Feb 1 · 197
Laying still its 4am and I can hear the birds sing
Not a noise in the air including the planes wings
The world is in panic over the covid and the cure
But hearing not a noise around is Earth at its pure
Thinking of times not relying on phones and the trends
To wake up to day one where life is on the mend


Guys! You have ten minutes. Ten Minutes!
A clatter as a pan hits the ground
The presenter looks with a smile but not a sound
A raised brow and a flurry of panic
The fear in their eyes all trying to cook organic

You won't believe it but Courtney was just necking Craig by the pool
Shut up! No way!
After just telling us all he's gonna propose to Abbey when he gets out
And Abbey's watching this?
Uh huh
What a ****
You know that
A complete ****
It's gonna cause a spat

I was told by my teacher that I had a voice
But working the tills at ASDA was my only choice
Then this lady heard me humming as I scanned through her Spam
She dragged me to her agent as we rode the Manchester tram
I sang
She cried
I'd never sang with such pride
And hear I stand with Ant and Dec
Cameras on with nowhere to hide

Guys! You have two minutes. two minutes!
Etc. Etc. Etc.............And Repeat

Now this depends on the colour of the pill
The one to make you high or the one to make you ill
If you're in the mood for searing riffs by Jimmy Page
Or you think that **** belongs in another age
Along with the teeth picking tunes by Jimi Hendrix
You'd rather sit in silence eating your Weetabix
Those six string gods such as Clapton and Chuck Berry
Now for a game of domino's with Pete and old Terry
The jukebox here plays the modern from Gaga and onto Oasis
The barmaid likes the older man, let's hope I meet her analysis
She puts on some older songs, The Beatles and The Kinks
Reeling off some other stuff, miss it if you blink
Then the rumour does come true as she catches me with her eye
Back to hers with some cans and a kebab,
Rock and Roll will never die

Jan 20 · 80
Certain things stir the soul
Some are good and some take their toll
A penchant for coffee just to wake you up
One will do and then its onto endless cups
You only watch one episode as its all on Netflix
Then it rolls into the next just to get your fix
It becomes a drug, not doing what is best
Just drag yourself away as it becomes a test
The human heart just wants what is more
Until it gets its need,
It strikes
It shoots
It scores


It's always a great watch but never a sport
Just to see how other people are taught

In life, in love and even ordering food and coffee
Spending twenty in Costa when teenage and still spotty

Who gives them the filled pocket full of easy money
Must be the bank at home, more likely dad over mummy

People sit with paper just chilling whilst paying Sudoku
One naughty couple lightly play, his hands close to her...John!

Why row on loudspeaker in a public place of tranquil
Think that I'll get out of here and quickly pay at the till

First a quick nip to the toilet to release a wee jobby
Next cubicle is on the phone, I'll listen in, this should be my hobby!

“I like to prowl ordinary places
and taste the people-
from a distance.”
― Charles Bukowski

“And then I think, maybe that’s what we are. An accidental spectacle.”
― Tracy K. Smith

“One of the strangest experiences I had in life was watching my professional astronomy girlfriend turn into a lesbian.”
― Steven Magee
Jan 17 · 53
You ponder tomorrow.

Tomorrow comes.

You sit back and think.


I wonder what tomorrow will bring.


Pondering tomorrow

Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.
Lyndon B. Johnson

Yesterday's the past, tomorrow's the future, but today is a gift. That's why it's called the present.
Bil Keane
Jan 13 · 102
Tick Tock Tick Tock 

The unstoppable noise from the wall and the clock
Battery malfunction is its only means of stop

From day one our clocks started setting
And an end date still has us betting

For it guides us in our everyday forms of life
From being late to work onto a barney with the trouble and strife

Even the dog knows what time he's to be fed
Until the day is done and upstairs to bed

As time is the invisible line we cannot hurry or cross
The world spins in motion to the suns gravity who is the real boss

It keeps us rectified onto a sole purpose and a meaning
Or is God just watching us on his box, his own Netflix he is just streaming.


Tick Tock Tick Tock

Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time - Marthe Troly-Curtin

Time flies over us, but leaves its shadow behind - Nathaniel Hawthorne

The future has a way of arriving unannounced - George F. Will

Whether it’s the best of times or the worst of times, it’s the only time we’ve got - Art Buchwald
Jan 9 · 52
One Sock Tom
And why do you wear just one sock Tom?
Hey, that's for me to know, and for you to find out.

The other sock?

That was worn by his brother, Ronald.
And his nickname?
Go figure

That shining light we both once had
It trickles to a dim flicker and into a fad
I would try and make these words loving and long
But like my love for you a hapless worry
Now unconvincing and just gone
Its so true and yes, Christ yes,
I'm sorry

Jan 5 · 58
Animal dreams
Just keep running!
That's it!
Oh wait, what's that?
Sniff something I'm convinced might be interesting
Its not
I hear you
I hear my name (..........)
Again (..........)
Still not sure,
Got to keep running

Dec 2020 · 31
Mannequin Wife
John Bartholomew Dec 2020
Our chats are very one sided
My views and hers are one side blinded
She stares at the passing men in somewhat dismay
They wouldn't choose their wifes dress from me, yep, probably gay
I dress her like she'd ravish the town
Some older ladies look away with what could be called a frown
Now wearing from the 60's in a what was known as a microskirt
Back in the day it made attention and got the guys to all flirt
But now I've moved onto the secondhand clobber in a shop they call Oxfam
Where most of the clothes do stink a bit and are mainly bought by your nan

Dec 2020 · 91
The Humour Loss
John Bartholomew Dec 2020
Back in my teens I'd laugh at anyone for the craic
I didnt see that humour divides and lead down certain tracks
From get goers on The Word to Chris Evan's mate on TFI Friday
Even EuroTrash to Julian Clary's ever so camp and gay,
any humour hit the spot for me.

But life has changed.

Times have changed.

Humour has drastically changed.

This modern selection just finds me searching for more
The list is demographic, edgeless, toothless, even analytical to its core
You can't laugh at that as it may upset someone with less money
Give me Joan River's who didn't give two *****, honey
I miss the ruthlessness of Billy Connely, and that once of Frankie Boyle
Who seems to have quivered into the PC, just sunk into the modern soil

And the crowd that dominate just blend into oblivion
From Romesh Ranganathan to Ross Noble, Alex Brooker to Josh Widdecombe
TV programmes such as Citizen Khan onto the utterly humourless show called Mum
At least Blackadder had us in stitches and was a bit of fun!

Or maybe it's just me and I havent adapted to this modern world
Perhaps I'm stuck in the past and caught in a slightly off centre right wing whirl
Whatever it is I do still love some comics on the circuit that don't tire,
Jimmy Carr to Mickey Flanagan, old clips of Bill Hicks and the always brilliant Michael McIntyre

And my favourites such as Frank Skinner and onto Lee Mack
The others,
somebody give them the sack.

Dec 2020 · 121
Diamonds are for Trevor
John Bartholomew Dec 2020
Long since being a kid, he dismissed his parent bought toys
The Tonka truck and football, they were just for boys
He rummaged through his mums cupboard, tried on her high heels
Feeling taller and more ladylike, he loved the way they feel
Putting on lipstick once, he was bullied in the school yard
The lads all gathered round, throwing sticks and a plastic bollard
Crying in the boys toilets, not knowing what he'd done wrong
Mrs Miller came in with an arm, humming a lovely song
Gathering strength, momentum and a new face
It's a life I want to live, even if I'm now called Grace
As this is the way I want to be forever,
Diamonds are for Trevor

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe." - Joan Rivers

I just look like a transvestite when I try to dress up. There's no place to hide my *****. - Sarah Silverman

It ***** to be a boy having his period - Anon
Dec 2020 · 94
Just Watch Me Die
John Bartholomew Dec 2020
I step out
Scan the crowd
This is still new to me
OK, some classics to break the ice
They grumble
A few mumbles
And then I stumble
That one topical joke that fell flat on its face
Wether it be running, religious or race
This one sunk without a trace
Stick to the day job, this isnt for you
Some like you in spades, but only the few
But in life you have to give everything a try
Maybe not stand-up comedy
The shudders
The snarles
The stares
Just watch me die

When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man. - Sam Kinison

Stand-up comedy is something that you have to strive to do, multiple times a night, every night, to be good. - Ali Wong

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer. - Dane Cook
Dec 2020 · 41
John Bartholomew Dec 2020
When your heart is black and broken
And its weeks since we have spoken
I'm hoping it's not been sixteen years wasted in time
When there have been others waiting in line
For love is a one off thing
Not bound by words and a settlement ring
But by hope and a life we could be doing
Instead sat at the window,wondering,with a piece of gum
Just endlessly chewing

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