Adieu, my dearest.
From the depths of my heart.
I can't bear to stay, when we're always apart.

Adieu, my darling.
I know it's unfair..
But i just can't get use to having someone who cares.

Adieu, my lover
But I need a dapper fellow, who's a tad bit shallow
But only because He deserves to be.
Who lurks in the hollows,
And makes sure no one follows 
And tries to convince me,
That he is why I cry in the night,
And why in every dream His face provokes fright.

Adieu,
Adieu,
Adieu.
It's always been me, 
Its never been you,
But you were too blind to even start to see,
The firery passion building within me.
He's my rock, whom I can't live without.
Even though everyone has their doubts.
On why I feel so strongly for Him,
Why I follow his every whim.
I care, I say.
I just care a lot.
Even though I know Ill never have a shot..
at anything but,
Adieu, 
Adieu, 
Adieu.

A little about me..

Jacquelyn Audrey
Nearly sixteen to others
Nearly nineteen to myself

Insane
Smart
Afraid of the dark
AnXiEtY
D e p r e s s i o n
BPD

Writer
Mezzo soprano to tenor
Painter

No impulse control
Worries too much
Cares too little

Likes being alone
But not being lonely

That's all I can really think of.

I always wondered what I wanted to do
When I grow up.
What I would expect to be
When I rise early with the sun.

Conflicting mediocre talents
And lack there of
Testing my patience
Leaving me twiddling my thumbs.

To paint
Or sleep
To write
Or weep

Oh, out of all the decisions
I have to make
To decide which path
I want to pave.

Why must I pick a specific
One thing?
Can I just aspire to be
Well,
Something?

What are these scars worth?
These dark purple lines.

Can I show you them,
And be an inspiration?

Can I cover them,
And be a coward?

What if I darken them?
Will that make me insane?

Oh and if I cross bridges,
Instead of going up stream,
That makes me a fake.
A liar.
An attention *****.
An emo.
A weakling.

Well look at you.
You must be very strong.
Very impossibly strong.
Or maybe you just weren't caught in a battle,
Because your blown up head couldn't make it out of the castle.

What do I do?

With Beautiful skin,
Broken bones.

The beautiful skin, the lovely mask.
With the broken bones, the structures cracked.

Why can only you make me smile?
I need your love for just a little while.

Baby, please.
I'm breaking down.
I loved you once,
And you let me drown.

I am stuck.
Stuck with loving you.
No one compares.
Everyone is scared.

I love you.

Can't you
Love me too?

Being yours.
It's being held safely,
While being beaten sternly. 

Being taken apart,
But held together.
Getting to the edge,
But never jumping.

Your looks from across the room,
reminding me of your dominance.
Your gentle touches to my face,
Telling me how much you cherish me.

All of this and more.
The prize and punishment,
The pleasure and pain,
Of being Yours.

Once again silver meets skin
Cracks a smile,
Missed it's old friend.
A beautiful reunion,
They want everyone to see
The war raging on inside of me.
Breaking off little pieces of my heart

But who am I to keep best friends apart?

Bonkers? BONKERS?! Bonkers you say?!
I'll be completely wonkers for it is written upon my grave.
Until the moon turns to sun and the bearded woman shaves
Bonkers and wonkers until my final day.

Loud? LOUD?! Loud you say?!
I'll be forever loud for being quiet is a shame.
To whisper is to keep secrets and secrets shouldn't be said!
If not loud, then silence! Silent like the dead. 

Stay loud, and bonkers, and wonkers, and silent
Be afraid to be public and amusingly private
Stay creepy, and hushed, and awkward, and such
I promise you'll like it.
Very, very much.

(n.) The low rumble of distant thunder
The sky soon shall shed its tears,
I sit outside I have no fear.
I imagine myself on the pale hot shore,
wiggling my toes in white sand,
laughing at the idea of rain.

What numbskull could think it would rain?
I have heard no thunder
but my ears were full of sand.
I did not feel my eyes fill with tears.
I made my bedroom door the shore
and I was an ocean people would fear.

I had never felt this much fear
clouds filled my eyes and down came the rain.
The storm now covered every inch of the shore
and my words became the loudest thunder.
I awake in my bed, wet from my tears
and I wish I was in the sand.

Oh, I wish I was in the sand,
not drowning in a puddle of my own fear,
not filling my lungs with salt-like-sea water tears.
My wishes are wicked away like sprinkled summer rain.
They are as far away as the low rumble of distant thunder.
They come and go as often as the shore.

I open my door, greeted by the rising dawn shore
and I step on the carpet like it is the white sand.
There is no more thunder,
but there is still fear.
I sit on the back porch, and feel the morning summer rain,
and wonder why the sky here, always has tears.

The sky fills its own eyes with tears,
and the sunrise still reminds me of the shore.
I wish that in the morning, it was not allowed to rain,
that it had to be crisp and dry like summer sand.
That way I do not have to fear,
the low rumble of distant thunder.

Oh, the morning showers are the sky’s jealous tears, he wishes he could be a sun rising in the sand
He rumbles, ”The morning sun rising with the shore is so much more pleased, he never cries, he never weeps! Please do not fear,
the rain, but the rumble of low distant thunder.”

What's with these car windows,
Fogging up as you tell me to calm down?
I take deep breaths
And try not to make the sound
That's building up within me
Moans that are far too loud
I'm arching my back
And and squirming around
What's up with these car windows?
Fogging up when you tell me to calm down.

How cute we were,
Elementary.
How innocent we were,
No worries.

Seeing you for the first time
In about a decade.
Your familiar smile,
Your dimples didn't fade.

Childhood friend,
I remember you.
My childhood friend,
Remembers me too.

I am so glad for familiar smiles
And dimples that never fade.

Frigid and shaking
It's all I am trying to feel
The hairs standing up on my neck
The shivers is such a thrill

I'm so alone and cold
In this icy shower
Has it been 15 minutes
Or has it been an hour

Take away the warmth of pain
I want to be cold and numb
Take out my beating heart
Make false winter air, fill my lungs.

Cold, shivering, and colorless eyes
The water didn't freeze my thoughts
And I still wondered why
Why I still wanted you so
Even though you so easily let me go

So here I reside, in my ice cold showers
Wasting minutes
Wasting hours
Until I forget
How you made me feel
How you made me think, I might have been real.

Comfy People

Certain people stick
They just do.
Some you want to get rid of
& Some want to get rid of you, too.

The only reason is comfortability.
After so long
It's still so comfortable
No matter what goes wrong.

After every fight
Its all okay.
You just want to kiss,
The perfect apology for everything you say

It's not love
More than lust
Maybe we just care
A bit more than much.

I've got a confession.
No matter how much you love me,
Care ,
And swear to never leave.
I'll always think of going back to him
That guy who uses me.
Why? Hell if I know. 
Though, Id go if he'd take me,
And stay, if he'd break me.
Even though I KNOW in a month or less
I'd be no more than another ex.
I hate to say this...
Because I do like you,
But I can't stay away from him,
Like I could to you.

Is it bad to want to be dependent?
I don't want to be able to stand on my own.
Is it wrong to be socially ignorant?
I would really just rather be alone.

Would I?
No, that can't be.
I want to be alone with you.
And you with me.

To be completely alone,
Scares me.
To be cared for too much,
Petrifies me.

I want to be alone,
Yet scared to be so.
I want to be liked,
Never loved.

I never think I'm good enough,
Yet I am better than her.

What a contradiction,
I must be.

When you think celebrity,
You think an athlete,
Or a musician, probably.

I think ******.
Famous serial killers,
And unexpected homicides.

****** will live in infamy.
As will Charles Manson.
They surpass every "celebrity"
No one will be able forget them.

So here's to them,
The devil's children.
May their names live forever,
Unlike their victims.

What if I was tired?
Too tired to try?
What If I lost my mind?
Too crazy to even find?

Would you love me in my cold sweat state?
Could you love me when I saw something that wasn't there,
Something utterly fake?

How will you react when,
I wake up in the middle of the night,
And ask you to check under the bed spread?
The bed spread covering that mirror.

You will get sick of it.
You will call me a child.
You'll call it *******.

You will get tired.
Too tired to try
Because I've lost my mind,
And I'm too crazy,
To even try to find.

I tend to lose days when my eyes stick, ****** Haze, I couldn't tell you the last meal I ate, or how many hours I've been awake, just that the days and nights have been a passing phase, no more than light change, I've always been a night owl anyway.

See my life started spiralling when she died and I cried hard enough, but not for as long as I need and now my heart is barely beating unless my lips are pointed at fire, and sometimes the flames are men 13 years older, sometimes the flames are tips of cigarettes and my own arm because I'm manic and driving and I'll barely feel it.

I feel nothing and everything all at once.

 Usually, this is when I tell you I met some boy who made my heart stop beating so quickly, when I would tell you how his kisses soothed my burns, but this, is not that story

I met a man who kissed softly, who touched with purpose but delicacy. Who tasted my soul before my body, and made his chest a place I long for... but cannot reach.

My hands hurt from pounding on the walls inside myself, I want to let him in, but my body breaks into shake, my body shudders at the idea of being left again, my voice barely makes out "I love you" before my mind starts racing with what it will look like when he leaves.

I drafted a poem the other night and all I could get down was that the poem I write when he loves me, will never be as good as the one I wite when he leaves, and I still believe that's true, no one has ever shown me a love beautiful enough to write well, or maybe I've just not had enough practice.

It's days like this that I wonder if I knew what time it was, would I still be thinking of you, if I knew what day of the week it was, would I still be stuck in your bed, with your smoke, and your smell. I can't remember the last time I felt so intoxicated without a line, I speed faster from your touch than the red bull and adderall, but love, I crash harder than 3 day binge when you leave

They say addiction will make you forget how to love, but you are a much more dangerous vice.

I get dolled up
For no good reason.
Hair and makeup
It's that season.

To get dolled up
With no where to go.
No one wants to party or hang out.
So I'm stuck, dolled up, alone.

What a doll face I have
So pale with light freckling.
Pursed lips, pink tint
Bright eyes, sparkling.

A cute curvy doll.
With dark chestnut above
Graced with a pretty face
That no one will love

Don't ******* touch me.
Don't surprise me.
Don't scare me.
Don't sneak up on me for jokes.

I don't like being touched.
You don't deserve the mercy I'm giving.
You are lucky you're still living.
You are a stranger.
I don't even know your name.

DON'T. *******. TOUCH. ME.

Dumb *****.
Is what you said.
Dumb *****.
Is what you meant.
This Dumb *****
Gave you head
More brains than you ever had.

Fry your brain some more
Dumb *****
Blacken your lungs some more
Dumb *****
**** a *****
You Dumb ******* *****

You should watch what you say
I'll make you pay.
Not now,
Not soon,
But I will,
When you come crawling back,
That day.

If you were a painting,
You would take my breath away.
If you were a song,
You'd make hips sway.
Like the way the wind blows through my hair
And I hope and wish that maybe sometimes you stare.

I swore I had no emotion,
Until I fell for you.
I tried to stop this notion,
But there was no use.
You took my breath away,
Made my hips sway,
Twirl my hair, and hope you stare.

What is this emotion?
So strange it seems
To get butterflies
Even after the million and one times
You've looked at me.

It's still a lost cause
Wishing for your love
But I can still dream
For cold nights,
And a man's lips speaking words so sweet.

Eyes

Like gateways to so many things..

Darker than a night sky, with identical spots of glisten.
The closer they come the more I'd like to listen

To the words that gracefully swim out of your lips
and find their way, not to my brain,
but to my heart
with your quirks and quips.

A warming feeling I had since yet forgotten,
or maybe drained out of myself..
Returns with utmost passion and
I can barely feel anything else.

Eyes

Like gateways to many things...

This oddity so rare, and unaccustomed to me
My 'family' is one of hate.
Of disrespect and fist fights.
Broken and filled to the brim in grudges. 
When we all have opinions, no one budges.

Such a normality to hear rinsing of knuckles after a fired conversation.
Is this family?
Can growing up with this be childhood?
Maybe this is why I feel much older than I am. 
Feeling much more than my years. 

Raised in a fired household,
A home up in blaze.
No one in this family even seems phased,
....
But I, I am.

I am to blame,
For your shattered, broken heart.
The way I ****** with you,
Must have been an art.

I'm not boasting or bragging,
Though I am quite proud,
That through all of this,
I've not been around.

So disturbed,
So vile,
So disgusting,
And wrong.
But I lured you right in,
With ******* and a thong.

Maybe I don't have feelings,
That I'm imagining all of this.
Maybe I'm already dead,
And this is the hell I am bound in.

If only I could fix,
A broken heart,
With a warm mouth.
I'd be living without all the fault,
All the doubt.

I'm afraid. 
Simple as that.
Just irrational fear.
Complex in the cracks.

The dark envelops me.
Blinding me and quickening my heart.
Even though a game, I start to scream.
Trying to rip this closet door apart.
The tears dampening my face.
My breathing changing pace.
My mind plays games just like the others.
I cant even steady my hands.

Then light. 
Sweet, forgiving, white knight in the form of a filament.
I wipe my face, realizing the blood that covered my fingers.
Where was this savior that had been sent?
His smell lingers.

He stood tall. 
Dark.
Faceless.
His hand brushes my face,
My neck,
*****, 
I look up to see a familiar, yet unnamed, face. 
His pernicious smirk haunts me.
Swift air brushes past my face followed by sharp sting.
He leans into me, his lips touching my ear,
His tone is sarcastic and grave.
"Welcome back, slave"

Amazing,
What we've turned into.
I'm breathless.
It's how you leave me.
In awe, flattered, spoiled, living.
All of this, drawing me closer and closer to you.
Quickening my breath when you're near.
Waiting for you to wrap me in your arms,
That warmth only you can give me.

Having a permanent spot on your bed,
Your chest, where I'll lay my head.
Hot showers together before we see friends.
Walking together, hand in hand.
No one to speak, reprimand.

One day.
One day I won't have to wish. 

For David, For you.
Oh, what I would do.

I dyed my hair again
To forget who I was.
To forget who I was.
When I had
Chestnut locks

I folded your shirt
Put it in a box
Put it in a box
So I could
Lose the memories

I lost myself
In a nightmare
In a nightmare
I had last night
About you

You tore me to pieces
Said "I love you"
"I love you"
But a hand around my neck
I'm gasping for air
"I love you too"
Is what you'd hear.

Foggy windows, 
Breath dense with smoke.
Steamy eyes,
And wanting throats.

Give me your all, show me how you lust.
Bringing me to the edge and watching me bust.
Wet ******* and smirks, for the rest of the night.
Being red in the face for,
What seems, 
Is the rest of my life. 

You take me away and succumb me,
With just the essence of you.
Your whispered word and guided hand,
I still can't believe its true

Even now as I lay lone. 
I squirm at the thought of you.
Your kisses, your words, and every ******* thing you do.
I can barely contain the hunger I have,
As it shows in my eyes.
I'm just a starving lust-stricken animal,
Without it I'm not alive.

Moving on.
I hate the phrase.
You just don't understand,
That my mind is a maze.

I'm alone and I'm scared.
I need someone to be there.
To tell me it will be okay,
After I've dreamt of you.

Do you not yet realize,
How bad it hurts
To have to get out of bed?

I don't have the luxury of wallowing in these sorrows.
I have to spend 7 hours thinking about you,
And normal high school things.
Then go home, just to think of you more.
  
You just don't understand.

Your feelings are perplexing,
When I'm not *******.

Your affection is amiss,
I'm sure.

Do you know what you've fallen for?
The monster that you're feeding?
I don't want to hear that you love me,
I just want a firm beating.

You've seemed to have strayed from the trail,
My dear.
You've seemed to have lost your way.
No one will hear your wails,
My dear.
No one will find my prey.

I can't help but think
Every time we speak
About the last time I looked up at you
Not wanting to blink.
Who knew how cold you could feel
By a fire on a summer night
Just so you didn't have to pull away
So you could hold his hand so tight.

I can't help but be overwhelmed
With feelings I don't understand
You were the only one content,
With only holding my hand.
A kiss or two here
A hug or a few there
Whenever I needed you
You were always there.

I can't help but question
Your motives and thoughts
But all through the year
I searched for an opening into your heart
And here it might be
A way to ignite an old flame.
Is that what I see
Or are you having a picnic
And I am the rain?

I don't want you,
I want your scent.
I don't dream of your love
I dream this wont become a regret.

A blanket doused in the essence of you.
Smoke, liquor, and the spirit of a teen.
So strange it seems.
How well it made me sleep.

I don't even want you.
I want your lips
I don't ever dream of your hands
Unless they are on my hips.

Two pairs of full lips are better than one.
You pierced me with your eyes
Before I could even **** my gun
What a way to make this game less fun.

Go ahead and take me,
Knock me down a few notches.
I'm slowly being broken down,
And around everyone watches.
Look at me run back,
Right back into your toxic arms.
Wrapping me in warm caress,
Preparing my heart for new scars.

I just can't stay away.
Your steady breaths,
Musical talent,
Barreling eyes.
What makes me stay?

Though you've changed so slightly,
More swindle, less might, maybe?
Without a secure purpose,
I fly straight towards you.
Wanting to be needed,
Wanting to make you pleased.
Even with my joy from that,
The pain I have won't cease.

You'll never care.
And no one will ever see,
Why even when you ignore,
I fly,
towards you,
with ease.

I hate myself

I hate my fat arms
I hate my top teeth
I hate my forehead
And I hate how the top of my thighs have that bulge on them.
I hate my shoulders
I hate my toes
And I hate my sausage fingers.
I HATE MY BACK, MY STOMACH, AND RIBS.
I hate how my torso isn't symmetrical
How the fat is different on each side.
I hate my ****.
I hate my always irritated scalp.
I hate that I can't lose weight
I hate that I don't have the money for braces
I hate that I am the ugly friend.
The one who never has a boyfriend, but everyone else does.
I hate being lonely
I hate being ****** up
I hate being a mediocre student
And an average talent.
I hate my voice

I hate myself.
I hate it.

Warm.

Your warm body, an exact mirror copy of your plump lips that kiss my mouth, I lay my head upon your chest, thighs, back, shoulder, any area where I believe I could sink into you and become enveloped in your supple, sweet, indulgent body.

Your body was the first I felt comfortable in. Your body is the only body I feel safe in. When I crawl into my place in the corner of your shoulder and your chest I hear your heartbeat slow, and I feel your breathing pace but when your arm grazes my shoulder my heart races and I do not know why.

Your illusive brown eyes, see they were not brown after I got close enough to see, your eyes were the darkest shade I had seen until you allowed me to graze the skin of your face and I was absorbed by the brilliant green that took me by surprise. How did I not notice the eyes before me? These eyes so unlike what I had learned before, I assumed you had to have known magic to preform such an illusion.

Your warm heart.

This heart that you allowed me to caress, allowed me to kiss, allowed me to love. This heart is what I am reaching for when I sink into your body, searching for my safe within your chest, my strength within your shoulder, my passion within your thigh, I am always searching for the things you allow me to feel. And you lead me to them every time. You've never allowed me to look in the dark, without your guiding hands, I still do not understand how you walk so calmly in the dark, I swear if must be magic, some amazing illusion.

I miss talking to him
I miss asking him how his day was.
I miss him
I miss David.

I wish I would have kept my mouth shut
About the childhood secrets but,
You had to know,
To understand,
That this was not all because,
Of one pig of a man.

I was beaten before.
I was much more broken
All the heart strings
Torn.
My life was,
Nearing its end.

I know I hurt you,
So badly too.
And I wish I could
Fix me.
So I could fix you.
And we can be together,
Just us two.

I miss my David.
David, I miss you

Insignificant worm,
Look at you squirm.
What are you going to do,
Without the pity
Of some teenage girl.
You disgusting germ.
You twist my words,
Just like your body,
You insignificant worm.

I will not mourn
I have nothing to learn
I'll continue to purge
to rid myself
Of emotions
For some insignificant worm.

A Copy or an original? 
Is this Real or fictional?    
My head keeps spinning, 
I think you're winning.
Took me from unforgettable to undefined.
I think you've done it,
I've lost my mind.   

Lured me in with that pernicious smirk
Made me become a servant to your thirst.
Smitten with lust, I did as I was told,
Not realizing that your soul was just black and cold.
Now as I watch you overflowing with shame, 
I still hope you get the pleasure from my pain.
You have me in your deadly bind
I think you've done it,
I've lost my mind.

Everyday I watch as you pretend it was never there
Thinking of other girls, where you'd never have to care
I took every moment for granted, I admit.
And now you begin to loath me, bit, by bit.
Stricken with anger my mind soon hollows
Only to be filled with hatred waters, shallow.
You'll always hate me tender and hate me kind,
I think you've done it,
I've lost my mind.