Melancholic
How I cling to
Forever far off
Farther behind you
Where words cannot
My eyes try
Denied my heart
And foolishly still I
Cling to the wish
How I miss you.

I see it in the smiles
as I do or say
or jokingly play away
all the flaws  
That lay just behind
right inside my eyes
those windows within
that if caught
do tell
that the smile
the humorous portrait
is but to hide
the truth
of how I can be
how I feel
the extent
of inadequacies
and loathing
that laughter hides away
Only okay
only how one finds me.

“I would be lying
if I said my soul didn't resonate
with the words you write”,
what you do write is a gift,
“an attention to detail that seems
to cost the rest of the world so much.”

I am myself found somehow
in your words, your beautiful lines
and I fight when you fight,... I try.

You... You are a muse, an author
often able to feel and hide inside,
and most of all, you are a wish to never meet,
for the fear of betraying myself
or displaying my faults

you and I, and our emotions,
given to words, put into forms
that dance, and entice and lure the mind,
the body and inner hidden parts...
they are right.

I am in your words tonight,
as I am most nights
and I am naked,
I am willing,
I am hopeful
and I won't lie...

A part of this mind and heart are in love,
the other parts know the world outside.
Write, write, please, weave me a world
of shared uniqueness
eloquent reasons why I know
as little or as much
to share,
I'm in your words tonight.

So sick of the woes
The pep talks
I want to die
A little more
Every lonely night.  
Reasons are dwindling
How will I know it
If I never meet anyone
How I feel is truth
Nobody holds me
They love and they
Don't.
They say they know
But I know nothing
But hoping and holding
To be alone 6

Have you ever been at a place in your life that makes you unhappy and there's nobody to blame but yourself?  

Ever appreciate the good things in life by understanding one day you will be through this?  It can't last forever.  

Had so much going on that is working towards the better tomorrow, at the cost of knowing yourself today?

Looked back at all those underappreciated moments, or the ones you let go of that didn't want to let go of you and couldn't even beat yourself up for it because you deserve this?  

Loneliness is a state of being that is often self induced.  Once in place it makes us waste ourselves on wishing it would change.

I need to change.  I need help.  Or else I can't say I'll ever be myself again.

Did it again, my selfish self
Confessed when best left unsaid.
Years fall short of such as my woes
As does the wisdom years grant
Meaningless none the less
These foolish things ones heart does
If that heart won't let go regardless

I've tried to be a good man
Done my best at parenting
Raising an incredible human being
Far far better then I have ever been.
It's the other areas that I lack luster
Romance less after three attempts
Horrible at the game of credit and imagined numbers leaving no room for changes.
I do my best to choose the avenue of success
To find I've missed that turn or am now head on wrong way traffic.
Day by day, job by job I pay my help and partner to find I've forgotten myself once more.  Sought self help without asking others assistance and developed a respect for binaural methods of entrancement.  Lean far too much on auto correct, and procrastinate on reflex most mundane tasks I'm faced with.  Breathing wrong and wasting ridiculous sums.  My aches and pains grow more pronounced each day.  Until I drop I'll have to bear through to keep a roof.  I've not one lifelong friend that I've kept close and I have no excuses for my lack of attempts.  I have forgotten boons that a good man would've returned equally if not more as soon as they could.  I do my best but all in all, I feel I've been mediocre at best.

there is always "maybe"
the lighter side of "never"
"Alright" equals "Open"
"Open" doesn't suit Me.
I don't do "Open"
It is, there is always,
"maybe" one day,...
What I do, I create,
and I shelve away "what if's"
"Hello", and, "Goodbye"... "Maybe".
This is okay, but inside denial.
more and more hollow,
Hopes that feed dreams and needs
To tell the world how it is for me
All of the things that can hurt
But if they ever do is it just words
The way it is to see or feel
Or love and want what cannot be
I write because I need to
This is a flaw in how I am made.
I am an Alpha,
of another breed,
but alpha all the same.
A better man would admit defeat

I don't know...
Until i do.
What it means to miss someone
To long for conversation
Or be a rock in a storm
Be a reason for spontaneous purchase
recipient of affections
one half of a whole
being wanted as reward
I don't know
Not anymore

I Don't Know If You Know This...
I steal from your Holdings,
Little looks here and then
between
looking for you
and looking elsewhere
Lest you hold in those eyes
Entirely my wants
And yet again, this heart
Love...
By point of light
and bathed in generous color
Finding your eyes
whilst unaware and smiling
Amazing.
These,  my secreted plunder
Stay very real and Tangible
To my dreams when drifting
Reason waking,  to be more love
And to tell you daily
One hundred,  more,  constantly
I don't know if you know this,
I love you completely
frozen and at a loss
again,.. amazing

Stop. This.
I am confined.
These ways we...
We're.
Two lines now...
And I need something.
This route
This time
I'd like to be by myself.
I feel like walking.
Go.  On now to what is yours
I know you
You'll make great time
And, me?
Mine, is...
A beautiful walk.
Really.
So, please? Stop.


And love drives off.

I began walking.

The chance being so,
So, so, so very unlikely
You, you might now and again
Find Me behind Your eyes
Those amazing green and hazels
From time to time
Revisiting like I do
too, too often
The better times of You and I
If somehow curiosity grabs control
Leading You to find these lines
For whatever purpose
Any reason
I am not hopeful
But if so, I am and do
I feel I forever might
Hurt and feel hollow
Sick at myself and my wrongs
Know that though too late
I realize how much you loved me
I love you then and now
I only show that in glimpses
For this I am sorry
A flaw in my design
But if you knew
How I hold onto the photos
If you, of us, of then
Our lives, our smiles
And they outnumber all my other
Pictures combined...
Even the ones of my child
Are well below the number you own
I will not delete these
As they are all I have now.
But if anything this should
Show how I hold you still
So dear, that I did love you
If ever... Suzy.  I do.
I will always.

If I'm the guy who waits,
is there some way?
Cause here I am,
I was, I remain.
The aging clocks face,
ticks out each second passed,

and here I am regardless.

Caught up in fairy tale nostalgia,
forgiven all the wrongs,
hurt endured,
selecting only the best
and cherished
fleeting
flickers of glimpses
at night
just as I fade
to the place where you still come

there too, not always pleasant.
Sometimes I wake and ache so bad
but the cause of that is you
Will I ever turn you out,
face away?
Is this time squandered,
wasted, fruitless?
Or one day are we going to be, again?
Am I okay with no love unless,
unless...
if nothing changes,
distance remains,
who to blame
but my own cowardice.

Some day,
. . . . . . . . . one day,
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . maybe,

hearts can change

If I were a flower...
Having died however long prior,
I would then smell just as nice
As the day I first opened up?  

Would I  be allergic to my own pollen?

How terrifyingly huge a bumble bee would seem.

If I were a flower...

you know that I know
You,  turn it off
You pretend
Or You say differently
Words we both avoid
Or at least I do,..
What do you know
that I don't also understand
but do I?
I deserve the truth
so, when you said you wouldn't
couldn't, did not want it,... No
I know, You know
you won't cause you don't
Why don't we learn
relax and enjoy our time here
as moments they slip
they fade away
we will also, one day fade
one day when I arrive looking
my mind having focused
committed to the decision
with out tools, guessing
inaccurate and elementary
words don't come so easily
All the time, but maybe
this note will bring up images
of you, and of the past
how things have changed
for the better, for the worst
you know I know you
I knew you

So, where now?
Where do we go from here?
When so much mistrust you've earned.
I want to know, need to know you are sincere.
And I to feel your love is real after all.
Don't speak, cause it won't happen with your voice.
It will not be words, woven into fantastic stories.
Because those lies, I've already heard them.
You are going to have to show it,
I'll feel it in your actions.
I'll know when it happens.
I'll taste the honesty of your tears.
If it ever happens,... I will.
And you will be happy, and content again,
I'll fell it in your intentions.

I have seen myself in unflattering light,
Doing things that will surely mark this soul
Not proud, moments pride brought out
These may have taken place long ago
I'm not the same, different, better,
Still not perfect, no longer the purpose
I've learned lessons a time or two
About myself, the man inside,
I'm not honest enough to lie
Instead I'll throw around words,
barbed and deadly effective truths
I'll never spare you

it is a familiar face, and with time with his changed.  you shade in expressions, clearly portrayed.
you see right away, I laugh a lot, maybe, cry a little
maybe, why concentrate and I stare office space
into some distant deep thought see I'm a deep thinker
off in some ways but better in others
Im , but I won't hide my flaws they're what make me meme
as long as I've been here I've been reading and AG and I've been imperfect
and I couldn't ask for anything more

If I could
  want You more;
     I would burst
       Into countless
         droplets of pain.

If one look
To have stole
this heart here;
I might have
again within
mine back again.

If I failed
to be He;
Your Mr. Right .

If You weren't
exactly perfect;
I'd be no less
caught in your eyes.

I'd never have You;
Time and place.
Inevitably.

If I had more
Of Your eyes;
I would burst
Into countless droplets
Of pure joy.

If one touch
Made You want;
Inevitably
You would decide...

The way my eyes and mind seemingly pursuit vastly different avenues at one time is nearly as amazing as the realized notion that I am still hung up on you.  While at work, relaxing and other activities you seem to come into and gather the part of my mind that can see with out eyes, outside of time. There we are and I remember.  But the memory of touch, of kisses, cuddling, love and... Those sensations I can only watch as they happened.  I do not relive or feel them.  Even where you remain mine.  It is not the same.  And I wonder what your kisses felt like when you pressed those perfect lips to mine.  I know I enjoyed it.  I miss it.

it isn't right the way you tease me
much about and inside me isn't right
and I believe that you can see why
You must see right through my  body
to the downward destinations inside
Where I hide exactly what is felt
And when my heart is caught
is the trap then forgotten
On the contrary, the ordinary,
the less than savory,
The nothing special as the ignorant laugh
And as they do, the wise understand
this in itself cannot be easy
What is there yet that may be coming
So much wrong beneath
Some beyond, buried, unlikely
Other pieces are much less deep
These are mine, my secrets,
My own unlikable qualities, proud moments
Terrible wants, disturbing fantasies
Awful enough that they must stay down
Down is where demons go,
But I think you've seen them

My mind is pressed upon
Imagine sinking phantoms
Such pressure crushing
But there where light is memory
The scalpels behind these eyes
As if held by ruthless thought
Are killers that attack in the bright light situations and then
Writing..  then... Is out down...
To rest my eyes and to end this ******* head ache again

she may be,
off in the distance.

that thin line
where heaven tickles earth.

off and Beyond
like

the Setting Sun
how far

she will never tell me
and the place giving reason
to step many

taken
more each day to take in
just one direction
upon her name it is
I follow her Stone Road

I'm alone, in a dark room, playing my game
I don't need to say how long I can hold on
If i even want to try,
Now I'm afraid, yeah,,, Staying awake
In back of my mind she stays, every dream,
everytime she twists them every which way
First i'm staring at an open grave,
in the middle of cemetary, in the middle of the night.
the bottom of the grave becomes a playground,
I cean see all of the kids, watch as they play
Oblivious to me, a dream within a dream.
Now she heralded by the growing winds of a storm
Just a hint of her favorite fragrance plays with me,
empty gutted feeling, makes me want to wake up
I don't pinch myself, or slap my face because I know
When I go to sleep she comes,  Ink poured into water
Grows and spreads all around, tell theres only grey everywhere
Time again to relive the loss, for the millionth time
It isn't as if she screams, or says hurtful things to me
She looks down on me, and the eyes tell me everything
I'm a decent man, half addict, then equal halves of that...
half unmotivated, half useless waste of space

I lose count
The quantity of times
Occasions lied to
Or as proof forgotten
Can't right now
One go to favorite
Busy, busy, busy, you are
Why use "will" when
Tomorrow is here,
Passes again and again
Perhaps "maybe"
A tad less dishonest
"No" "not" even "ever"
If together are no question
Truthful, borderline respectful
And we both know
What is not done, not said
Leaves closure open
To discussion.

I think of days
just the best are yours

and when in the emptiness
of the nights without
the heart wants

Cannot, forget
when I think of your face
an ache feeds my pain
amazing, Green eyes twice
and three shades
missing,

your smile, never fading
remains, constant,

two shades,.. maybe,
I think, of the lies
and truths, mine hurt
light hits me,
a realization, and shame
on me, on the the way,

things are wronged
the fights,

right or half wrong...

the way her name
and the hurt
and what remains

is like a scar on the soul

I cant deny how she creates
an aching need

there is no control
i try, i do, i lose

I tried it all

maybe inside
i don't want to forget you.

The days,
And just the best were yours.

No need is there
For you, fear not
I will not judge,
could never not
love with the entirety
of a father's heart.
No secret is required.
You'll never be any less
to the eyes that know you
as do those of mine.
I love, will love, always
No matter will sway this.
Know that no need be there
To not be true, to yourself
because I raised you to be
To me, you're nothing less
than perfect.  
Believe this.

tell them to me again
One last
I will still
I will be present
Whisper so it's ours
We two
I need to
Fall once more into
The song spell
Your voice
I plead and confess
An oath
This will be the last
I saved a place  
to cradle
the best most missed
Cherished
Thoughts like honey
Of then
When I was
Desired and wanted
Please I will be
Quiet yes
I will be present
After this
Never again

This way following that
That happened again.
Folly, stitched neatly this
Predictable wavey pattern
Weaving in and through out
What was once was not
Again the words I try after
Not to hold not to lock away
But to borrow as they too do
Hate me as only you so deserving
So by I won't strung along
Loaned words that elude
To draw the inner rolling hurt
I've gone this time the last time
I won't write how badly I
Won't.  Write without broken
Intent, coiled up and strewn about
As I once relished bitterly engrossed
Forcing my selfish failings
Won't discribe or talk away guilt
Seeking praise or atonement
I am in this place where alone
Drapped upon shaking reluctance
Is the smothering blanket of my life
I won't write to run and hide
As I've done to you, time again
This time, again.  I won't

I write and dream up new ways
To say and cry out old things
Utilizing the strings that can be tugged
That attach to inner most hopes
Hopes that feed dreams and needs
All of the things that can hurt
As they have done and I endure alone
I use these words that hold meaning
To tell the world how it is for me
To share with others that may comprehend
I write to post and pretend they reach you
But if they ever do is it just words
Or is the emotional message conveyed
I write to pretend that someone is listening.
I write to acknowledge the truth of loves cost
And to exercise my restless wants and longings
These are my chosen words
My means at giving feeling to the way one reads them.
My message to someone I know never sees or reads
The way it is to see or feel
Or love and want what cannot be
I write because I need to,  
Feel, to be, to eat, breathe.
I write because.

At times it can feel this way.  
Digging deep, until no light is seen
Very little air to breathe
Still digging, to expose and share
The bare truth of these demons
Spell out their inner workings
Uncaring silence is felt
Much more then ever heard
Down here... Screaming
It Doesn't work... Nobody cares.

Why do you do this?
Just enough to lure?
Not so much as to welcome.
Timed perfect to when I get you out.
Just enough to create a need again.
Or second guessing your reasons.
The need in my breast is the feel of that last kiss.
My unwillingness to forget is just enough
To bind my dreams to you
Blind me to how you are and will never be
Too much. For me.  Within touch.
Just enough to let me think maybe.  One day.

To the you

Of  then

Soothe thin

Mortal failings

Pure once

You do yet

I must move

Interned knot

Our wants

Confused

Balled in

Thoughts

to be there right now
And all that separates
feet And inches
and right now is right now
too often I forget this
in a dark room down
devoted curled up next to me
but my thoughts are of you
standing above growing without
this life the next and another
I'll know you and wish I said so
what am i doing now I and this
standing up seeking out
and to know only to know you

This time, I found myself
wondering...
Wandering the maze of the unwanted.
The meeting place
Of despair, and of worry
What-If's rule the gates
Insecurity a blaze
lights the way
light much like the setting sun
I fumble through the unfamiliar
Behind me,
Each step, Each twist,
Too many,
Another turn is too many
I am caught,
Wonderfully lost
To Her world
from affection
This time I go,
Alone.

EVEN IF WE DON'T LAST...
I STILL CONFESS, I DO LOVE YOU.

CLEAR THROUGH EVER AFTER...
EVEN AFTER, THIS HAS LEFT YOU.

I WILL CONFESS, I LOVE YOU STILL.

I leave this place
Unto the bitter cold
Of a familiar unknown
Howling winds, frozen
Horizons out of reach
In all directions
Setting out, leaning
For feeble toeholds
In the frost, the ice, snow
Heeding an understanding
Seeking absolution,
Forgiveness, reason.
These buried emotional needs.
I leave this place.
We all face these tests.
Alone, as once we left them
Again returning to seek the way
Back to the sacred
To home, to rest, to home
I leave this place