To fall asleep tonight I'm thinking of last night's
dreams and tomorrow's nightmares all at once
like re-runs of the same television show aired years ago
by another person in another body, and I wonder
if they felt the distinct absence
of everything... a pain that has no source, but that can pierce
every nerve in my entire body until I'm screaming louder
than the ambulance's siren. At night we are all passengers
waiting for the sunrise's journey. And tonight I will think about
how the nurses feel when their patient dies
before they arrive at the hospital,
if they feel the pain that exploded from the victim's last breath,
if their ribcages feel just as hallow
as the ambulance itself is without anyone to rescue.
I flip on the television in my eyes, and suddenly
all I see is static.

my vision *****.
I see everything in grayscale
and no matter how hard i try, how hard I shake from the tear-inducing effort
I cannot help but feel chills
run down from the base of my skull to the bottom of my spine
when I look at the future from my angle,
from my eyes.

this gritty, gravel street looks more like a spine
                     in the cast of the blinding white sun
that causes mirages to appear every next step, tripping you.
                     the rib bones lead to houses, and in each one resides
an empty brain, filled with
                     untainted, young ambition, that has never met the dark cloaked stranger
                     called "failure". They are all tied in with the central lungs, breathing
in unison, as one, programmed from the start to play
                    their destined part.
Dreams develop and gather, threatening to spill
                     out of their heads like tear-filled eyes. They all step
out of their houses as one,
                      not realizing the bones they believed to be their foundations
are all broken.

Red, raw skin from trying to wash
away last year's acetone fingerprints
littered on my body. We were born
as paper air planes in spring,
destined to crash
at the end of winter in a landslide,
colliding with the base of the calendar
that hung around my neck like a noose.
Brittle bones with no marrow: I am physically,
emotionally, mentally, spiritually
hallow.
That was last year.
I'm trying to learn to be more introspective
without looking inwards through the barrel
of a gun. Last I checked my bruised and bloodied
heart was dangling out a second story window
tempting me to jump out and save it.
I'm done pretending now.
My paper plane may have crashed
but at least I'm on the ground.

Listen for just a moment. I know you don't
have the patience but if you don't listen
now I might not have the guts later. Look at me
in the eye. If that doesn't work we'll turn the lights off. I am desperate
to unsay the things I hurled
at you. When we fight I feel cold
and my voice feels far away, as if I have no control
my vocal chords might as well strangle me
it would hurt less
than your rejection
after another fight.

Midnight: I'm thinking of the things I forgot to do during my day. Schedule appointments. Be an adult. Return phone calls. Breathe.

1am: I'm thinking of how much I ate. It makes me sick.

2am: Fifty jumping jacks... then fifty more. Repeat process until I break a sweat. Pause only if I might wake other residents of house.

3am: There are little weights on the backs of my eyelids, and there are little figures pulling my eyelashes down, down until the curtain of skin and purple veins is shut. I struggle against it anyways. My face feels fat and slightly numb and my stomach is as empty as my head.

4am: I discover nightmares when you're awake can happen. The shadowy images of memories past, buried in the dark caves of my skull, fly at me like lunatic ghosts. I cannot **** them.

5am: My stomach growls. I am always always always thinking about food.

6am: I still might get some sleep.

7am: Or maybe not.

...

stone-cold-sober
and i am scared you will see me
how i see myself.

3hrs later
blurry eyed
sleep deprived
you probably saw me
as something
far worse.