step #1:

you gotta put that blade down
wash your hands, away from
the blood of your past
and misery. stop trying
to stand up immediately, you
gotta sit down and inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale.

step #2:

and now that you begin to heal,
you can stand up and look at yourself
in the mirror, and whisper to
yourself, "it's okay, it's alright, it's okay, it's alright, it's okay, it's alright, it's okay" —
until you can fake a smile again,
until your tears have disappeared.

third step:

stop reminding yourself about that one time you refused to talk to your aunt and then she died the next few days,
it wasn't your fault, you didn't **** her.
i've known shame my whole life,
that i learned to put away everything
until one day i accidentally opened the drawer, then
i have to start over.

she's not living life
she's not having fun
all of her dreams have shattered
left her with a void too big to fill in.

she has stopped running
she's not laughing anymore
all of her songs can't comfort her no more.
they just remind her how lonely she actually is.

she's planning her own death
she's writing the goodbye notes
hoping that her friends won't be upset
knowing they could never help her, anyway.

she's living life
she's having fun
in her own terms
thinking of the final day
waiting for everything to end.

what to do
when everything's seem to against you?
your mother stop calling you 'sweetheart'
and you almost forget where your father was buried.

what to do
when the God is calling you
to unfold the praying mat
"cry to me", He probably said
but you don't know all of the words
and you're too shamed to ask others
how to return to your Creator.

what to do
when you have no idea what you're doing?
all seems bleak and dark
and nothing is going to be okay anymore
but you go on and live, anyway.

how many times,
i wonder —
should we wake up to the news
of hundreds innocent lives, gone
too many names to be mentioned one by one.

how many more of thoughts and prayers,
before they all call it quit
and go home to hug their own children and have a meal, together,
on a dining table?
why —
choose to **** when we can spread love instead?

but this is just my naivety speaking
i know very well that this is gonna happen again and again
until we couldn't see the soil without the blood, no more
until we have hung all of our beloved ones' pictures up, trying so hard to remember their faces
the devils are taking lives, as if it's sort of video games
and we all know for sure that there's no winner in this one
but death.

walk, keep walking
don't stop, don't turn around
look forwards for the possible lives
that you could live
and pay homage to your old self.

run, keep running
don't hesitate, don't turn back
look ahead for more and more
that you could have
that you could be.

sing, don't stop singing
don't be sad, don't turn all mellow
look around for your own rhythm
that could serenade your soul
and make you whole again.

i still remember the tune to one of my late dad's favourite songs
the lyrics go like this:
"berkorban apa saja/harta atau pun nyawa/itulah kasih mesra/sejati dan mulia."
it reminds me of that time when i was barely ten
where i had to watch him folking out money
to pay for my school's annual fee
and when i begged him for a new pair of sneakers
he told me to study hard so one day i could buy whatever i want.

my younger brother and i used to keep picking a fight with each other
we yelled, we punched
but now we barely talk
and we only meet up once a year.

i was nineteen when i started to live on my own
my mother refused to let me go at first
but she could not decide between me and her new husband
i didn't fully blame her because she wanted happiness and she got it
but at what cost?
i wish i could understand how that works one day.

i'm a twenty-three years old hopeless dreamer,
i find myself reborn every time i watch people in motion pictures
i keep a list of what i want to do if i don't have any restrictions
and one of the top is to live in a foreign city
i want to feel reborn for real
taste the new air as if it's promising a new beginning and a possible love
one day, i will be one of those in the motions pictures.

i'm a walking metaphor;
my body is the epitome of everything's wrong in my life
i count my self-esteem in how many dresses i have to try before i find the one that suits me
and it will always end up shrinking
and shrinking until all of my leftover self-worth disappear
i take too much space
and i wear too many layers to make me less visible
so that no eyes will linger on me
and blame me for being too much and too
and too and too
everything's too much
don't i wish to be invisible for real?
yes, i do
i keep playing 'empty room' by arcade fire
too many times
that the lyrics fill the void in me
and make me feeling a lot, and better
well, i know this body will end up in six-feet under
so please don't remind me to embrace it
because i really can't help but to hate it
and no ma'am, i can't fake it at all
i pray the ground will swallow me whole.

(i)

this brain of mine –
i need to sort it out,
all the messy craps and endless worries
i want to throw them all out
and make it more homely.

this heart of mine –
i need to make it softer,
so that i could learn to love again
and make it dancing happily.

(ii)

i keep replaying the same old songs
they remind me of your absence in my life
and the moments you've done me wrong
maybe i was too stupid back then,
but now, i am no more naive.
i know exactly how to say no
and when to run away.

knock knock
who's there, she asked —
it's me, the Death.
oh, it's the time already? she said
i wish i've done more with my life
i wish i've told her i loved her
it's already too late, the Death said.
but —
what if i exchange something to get one more day? she tried to bargain
the Death stopped to consider
there's nothing more worthy than your own life, he said.
that's such a shame —
i've always been dreading for this day
but when it's already here,
i reluctant to let go —
time's up, the Death said.

women from this era don't give a ****
if you think they are too much
or never enough
these women would tear your soul
and scream, "not our daughters!"
and also, not her daughters, and their sisters and mothers
how could you sleep at night
thinking you own the rights of their body?

women from this era won't stutter when you spit out your insults
they would teach you how being a woman is a bliss in a cursed world
it's never their fault when you hurt them
they're gonna rise up, fight you right away
so you better back off
because these women won't give up,
no!

you want to paint it black
and make everything bleak
just like how you feel
even you try so hard to conceal.

you want to give yellow a try
they say it's a colour of happiness
and you wish it's true
and the warm colour reminds you of sunset (at 7:15pm which to the point you forgot to take its picture and exhaled all the lovely emotions you could get)
it doesn't make you feel mellow
it doesn't turn your heart all hollow.

one time, your friend said to you,
"yellow reminds me of that weird-looking dog cartoon"
and you were too embarrassed to admit
that you hugged Jake almost every night
you thought, "atleast he never judges me like you always do"
ah, we all need friends who listen.

look up to the sky!
maybe you would see the shade of your happiness
feast your eyes on its all-glorious
and take them all in, inside you
make you a lot less sorrow,
and promise yourself a better tomorrow.

(i)

three words, heavy meaning
empty feeling, affect nothing
they said, love above everything
but they forgot there's always something else, missing
between those unreciprocated emotions and midnight crying,
someone else is praying
that God to take their emotions away
so that
they would feel nothing at all.

(ii)

he said, she said
lies and more mindless promises
those masks are too worn out
couldn't conceal their indecision
to love, or not to love
what if they reveal their true feeling,
they would end up alone forever?
so, they stay
even it hurts, even it kills them inside.

(iii)

for you, i leave myself bare
you're the only one who understands
and never leaves me alone
you always know the best
and never truly gone
you,
the All Mighty
the All Knowing
for you, i am still here.

(iv)

she punches her own guts,
growling, spitting and questioning herself,
how could she mend her own wounds
knowing she was the cause of them all?
she's always ready to give her love to everyone around her
ignoring the fact that she needs some for herself too
oh, all the scars and agony
she wishes one day she could embrace all of her flaws
and kiss herself good night and wish, "sweet dreams".

good morning to the monsters hidden under my bed
and thank you for letting me sleep last night
i walked, and washed my fear away
and i pleaded to Him
asking Him to spare me some mercy
and put some peace in my heart.

16th Jan, 2014

dear my future self,
i hope your life won't be as miserable as it is now.
i pray to God that you would find your peace of mind
i wish you the best finding your way to your happiness
please stay alive
not just for you
but for everyone who's counting on you
because if you **** yourself,
you're also killing everyone who truly loves you
so, please stay alive
and live your life at the fullest
especially for me.


loves,
your old self.

these rustling leaves
         — as if the wind is saying hello to me
i can smell the creek from afar
      — and it jolts a memory in my mind
cold
        sad
              almost drowning
i was barely ten
but i was glad i was alive
but i won't be anymore if it happen again now

i can easily run away into the woods
     and
            make
                        all
                              my
                                      fears

                   d i s a p p e a r

i just wanna start again
with nothing to worry in my head
and make it as clear as this cold, running water

oh, what a time to be alive.

here's to a part of me
who could recite A to Z without taking a break
and another one that has to stop to think
what comes after G
G stands for "get well soon, i hope it won't tire you up", said me to me.

sometimes i talk too fast
i can't even breathe properly
my friends ask me what am i saying
because all they hear is wrecking noise in voice
i want to crawl into my system to fix what is wrong with me
to make me less complicated
and more tolerant to coffee.

tick-tock-tick-tock
it is always the end of the world for me
i already start writing my own obituary.
but guess what?
i am not always like this
sometimes the ocean in me is calm enough for me to live normally,
i just wish i get to know
when the next hurricane is coming.

sometimes it's lonely to be on your own
sometimes it's lonely to be out there
who's gonna hold your hands when it gets too cold?
and who's gonna console your broken heart?

but everyone has their own demons to tend to,
and it's okay to be alone sometimes
but don't get too used to it
because loneliness is addictive
and no one can save you from yourself when it's too late

---- sometimes