I am sitting here
Almost two full years later
(One week until to be exact)
And I still can't get you out of my head
It's late night phone calls that flood my memory
Like 12:46 AM
And You saying things like
"Please go to sleep, it's so late,
And I don't want you hurting in the morning"
And
"If I say something really sweet--
Well I think it's sweet, at least--
Will you go to sleep"
Then
"I want to be your first kiss"
But B, that's just who you are
You're the divide and conquer kind
It's little lines like
"I owe a penny"
And a competitive
"Well, I owe 100 pennies"
That make me want to cry
It's references to songs
And wanting to end my self inflicted scarring
When in reality
You are a part of that collection
It's that 11 PM call
Where you "met" my mother
If we could even call it that
It's two days later
And the first "I love you"
And me almost crying as those words
Tumbled from your mouth
I believed it all
I believed in you
But then it became
"You're a great girl
But I don't think this will work"
I waited for two weeks
Before making a mistake and coming back
I didn't think it was a mistake
When you asked for a date
Of cuddling on your uncle's couch
Because you just got your license
And wanted me to be first in your car
It was supposed to be teriyaki and your favorite movie,
Hercules
And you wouldn't have cared if I sang along
With every single song
Because you loved the idea
Of a private screening
Not in a ****** way
But of course,
You were a sixteen year old boy
You wanted ***
I can't believe I actually thought about it
And the simple words that
Made me believe it could happen
"Of course I'm upset, Silly,
I didn't get to see my girl"
A few days later the silence came
Because you decided
You couldn't date me because I attended
The school of your past
But you decided to date her
A character of the past attending your school of the past
You even convinced her to runaway with you
When CPS pulled some ******* moves
With your abusive father and standby mother
I could've been that girl
I could've loved you forever
I remember December
When you told me you'd found God
And tried to help convert me
You were the only one I'd let call me
"Sammie"
I've always thought it weird that
You were allowed to flirt with me
But it couldn't be me flirting with you
Even with your migraine
And my offer to give
"All the pennies in the world to make it all better"
I learned that's because you'd leave
Three days later
I waited **** near a year
Before reaching out to you again
With a letter drafted
A total of
Twenty-eight times
Because of an English teacher
Encouraging thanks
You replied and I filled with hope
Only for you to ask me to stop talking to you
And your friends
Even though Matt is my friend, too
But before leaving again
I was aware of the biggest backstabbing
In all of history
You were back with the friend I was defending
That brought us together
That made fun of your invisible genitals
I cried mercilessly
And ran to the bathroom
Throwing my body against the wall
Almost breaking my fists
Then I cooled off
Walked to the floor where
Bailey and I were dining
She on a turkey sandwich
With cheese, mustard, and olives
Myself on a buffet of tears
When I saw a tall figure I somehow knew was you
Signing out
She thought I was delusional
But when she turned
All she could say was,
"Samm...that is him"
And I huffed up my chest
Stuck up my head
Dried my eyes
And bit my lip
I held it together for a
Full five seconds
After you walked out the door
And I ran faster than I'd ever run before
Faster than you'd ever run before
Even with football before your shoulder
And bashed a dent in that concrete wall
You tried to contact me
January of this year
We talked for a bit because I'm stupid
When it comes to the past
But then I called you a *******
And you left
I didn't talk to you until May afterward
Before Cole broke my heart
But B,
*******
Please stop haunting me
Please leave me alone
There are two morals here:
1.) Don't go back to something that keeps hurting you no matter how great they've made you feel
2.) Don't fall without guarding