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Aug 31 · 35
Bailey
I know I must sound like a record
With a scratch in the wrong place
Sk sk ski skipping but st st sta staying
On the same line
But I miss my best friend
And I could really use a friend always
Isn't that what we all want
I had a Bailey but I was mean
And she took herself away from me
Rightfully so but that doesn't make me
Less sad
And now I'm stuck here missing
My Miss Bailey Lee Ann something awful
I must be in deep **** with her
Because I can't confidently reach,out
Without fearing rejection and blocking
But Bailey
If you read this
Please know I love you
I miss you
And I wish you
Would come back
I am completely consumed
By this moment I get to spend by your side
This moment that will last the rest of our lives
And I could not be happier
I know it's your favorite scent
Sometimes, especially lately, it's hard not to think about you
I want to reach out but I don't know how
And I'm scared you'll just push me away because I've chosen him
But people really do change as they grow up
I want to tell you all about my days all the time
Like two days ago when my brakes stopped working
As I was going downhill in the harbor
Oh I was so scared and I wanted to tell you
Or when I had my magical day at Rainier
But I know you'd be disappointed
I want to tell you the small things to
Like how I burnt the bacon and undercooked my pasta tonight
Or how I can't decide if I love pink or orange more
Or even how much I love that new CD
And crave hot cocoa all the time
I just miss your company but can't figure out how to tell you
And I wish I could be your dryer lint and cigarette ash again
Aug 27 · 42
Dinner for Two
Tonight I am making dinner for two
It'll last the whole week
I can never just cook a proper portion size
It's like I'm accustomed to cooking for six and can't adapt to change
But I love it so much
It might be awful
It might be great
Either way my fiance will smile and tell me I did a great job
Because he honestly believes it
He is so considerate and careful with my emotions
He reminds to take my medicines
9 am
5 pm
8 pm
And sometimes in between depending
He looks at me like I am home
I am safe
I am wild
I am beautiful
And I laugh because he makes me believe it
He has been there for me for years now
Not always directly and I've tried to hate him
But we were in a different place all that time ago
And with age, like wine, we became better
We matured and calmed
And are on the same page now
Engaged and happy and in love
So tonight we'll sit at the table and the TV will be on
Probably football or action films because we let his parents control the remotes for now
I'll light a few candles
And he'll set our places
I'll place the pasta between us and fall a little more in love
Over dinner for two with smiles resting on both our faces
Aug 26 · 33
Speak to Your House
Walk through in the early morning
While the sun sits on the horizon
While stars are still burning brightly dead
Take the time to be truly fascinated by your home
And just speak
Tell your house how much you love it
How grateful you are for the memories you've made and will make
Drop your worries at the front door and keep walking
You can pick them back up later
Talk to your house like it's an old friend
Sit in the silence and listen to what it has to say in return
Keep your house healthy and happy
Maintain your chores
If you fall behind don't worry
House will always forgive you
Because if you listen
You'll hear how much it loves you
Aug 26 · 33
A Thousand Paper Cuts
From unlicked envelopes
And blank papers
Because my pen could never touch the words
My brain searched for endlessly
If only there were an address I knew for you
I miss having a friend
Aug 26 · 55
Grandmother Bovine #4
Just because a word is spoken
Doesn't mean it is heard
Aug 26 · 18
Hey Bailey,
I know I hurt you in the past with some things that I said and some behaviors I've had. I know you hate the person I've chosen to be with for the rest of time and I know the feeling is mutual. I know I hurt your heart with my ignorance and childish selfishness. I just want you to know that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry and I miss you. I wish we could be friends again. I tried to tell you happy birthday. And when he proposed I still wanted to tell you first. I want you to be part of all the big moments but I know how unlikely that is now. It's the reality I live in but I don't want to accept it. I'm sorry for behaving so recklessly and emotionally. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to watch as I threw myself back into terrible black holes. But I'm in a much better place now. We've all grown up. I'm sorry I was so despicable. I'm thankful though that you loved me through it all. I miss you. And I love you. But most importantly, I'm sorry Bailey. I hope you can forgive me.
I am bent over and stooped low
Clearly my knees will not last much longer
I am shaking and sweating and scared
Bricks upon bricks are cemented together
And I don't want to fall
But you cannot expect me
A small framed overweight girl
To hold the world
Without some of it falling
Fret not though because I aim to please
And each brick will lay exactly how you designed it
I will stay here
Lowering deeper into a crouch
In hopes that I am finally pleasing you
Oh great big open world
Because unfortunately I still see myself as just a girl
Where instead I should see a strong woman
With an *** that looks incredible
From all that deep squaring
With your ridiculous bricks
I love to bear
Doesn't it make sense to drop your body into a steaming tub
Surrounded by a thousand flickering flames
Nestling yourself down into an infinite amount of bubbles
It seems so simple and easy
Like creativity as a child
Where did my sense of art go?
I can see it everywhere but in my own head
It's like leaning toward the middle of the back seat to watch the bugs
On the front window battle the mist that grows fiercer
Pretending there are cameras from every angle as water rolls steadily down the window to your side
Humming a tune that you think you made up
Because you can't remember where you've heard it before
And now tears full of salt destroy the soap that has encompassed your whole body
The art you so carefully dreamt of isn't really yours but you'll say it is anyway
Because it makes you feel good
It gives you a sense of power
Some sort of control
Because Lord knows you're really just drowning in the rain
Like those bugs on the windshield
That didn't have a chance anyway
Aug 16 · 35
Lake Days
The sun on my unprotected skin stung
Like the first few pumps of that needle
Draining its ink into my blank canvas

The water froze the small of my back
As I cheered with excitement and
Taunted you to come forward with me

The happiness in my heart warmed me
As though it were a fire and my body was snow
The butterflies, although calm now, are always present

Summertime with you takes my breath away
Feb 20 · 53
Bitter Truth
These days it seems like I live to cry in bathrooms with my cat
Feb 20 · 138
Better Than I Am
I can be miserably happy,
Messily organized,
And frantically calm
Just so you'll think I'm better than I am
Feb 20 · 185
Clinic
So many cold eyes stare into empty spaces
The waiting room feels crowded with the five of us in this too big space
I hear my name called and am handed a jar
Off to the bathroom I am escorted
The nerves are escalating as I urinate
Into the cold metal door goes my name among others
I can't breathe
He holds my hand and gets me water, saying everything will be fine
But I was turned away last week
They had told me my appointment never finalized in scheduling
I know with certainty this is really happening though
The receptionist with the sad mouth calls me to her window
Is there a different insurance I can try? Do I have the money?
At least the insurance that was supposed to be cancelled is still active
I don't want this money burning my wallet and freezing my heart
He isn't allowed to come back with me
Are you sure, they ask me far too many times
I just want this to be over with
I want to cry
Are you being forced by anyone
Only myself and my promises
I'm scared
I'm sad
They finally let him come back to me
And lay me upon the cold papered examination bed
They force my legs apart and insert their probe
Do you want to see?
Of course I don't but how can I not
In black and white before me is my last eight weeks
Sweaty apple juice is placed in my weak hands
I look so brave in this sterile place
Am I being judged by these people
I'm just too young right now
We have no money
Take these twenty-four hours apart
More prescriptions and pills are passed along to me
I'm barely eighteen and graduated

Days later it feels like there is cotton in my mouth
The medication expands like gauze
I can't feel my tongue or the air around me
It's not too bad after it's dissolved though
Then an hour passes and I can feel the life being taken from me
My whole body convulses
I can't stop the tears
He can't stop the pain
Especially not the emotional kind
He couldn't possibly understand
I've known longer than him
Built a bond that is only meant to be broken
He kisses my stomach like I can't
There's so much blood
I suppose it's time to take all the pain and nausea medications
What makes it worse is that I know I'll be sad for some time
But we agreed to never tell anyone about this happening
We're ashamed we chose this route
But there would have been no chance at survival regardless

Months later I'm still crying
I mourn the intentional loss of my would-have-been love
Though the decision was necessary I can't help but wonder
And I see all these announcements on media
I put on my happy face for them
But I feel robbed
Embarrassed
Sad
The painkiller bottles still aren't empty and serve only as a reminder
Of the two lines we threw away
So that the soul could have a better chance
Inspired by a friend's experience with permission
Feb 20 · 63
What's Going On
The depression has been hitting pretty hard lately
I thought I was getting better
I guess I was wrong
Every time I step on the scale I cry a little
Even though I know I'm a healthy weight for the first time ever
I just hate the stretch marks and non-buttoning jeans
I should be grateful I have a job
But it's one I've left before and the promotion made it worse
The house is always a mess and it gives me anxiety
I just have no motivation to do anything
And the cat litter for god's sake
Does that smell ever leave?
Apr 2018 · 244
Progress
Samm Marie Moore Apr 2018
I set a timer for five minutes
Five times
And finally cleaned my room
Seeing the floor for the first time
Since December.
I woke up on time this morning
And I made my bed
For the first time in years.
I ate breakfast
I looked nice
I respected myself.
It isn't much,
But it's a start
And I'm actually getting better
Samm Marie Moore Mar 2018
Every time I see a new message from him
He's hurt me far too many times
And he always leaves me broken
We keep growing
And surviving
And yet we always run right back to one another
I don't want a relationship with him
I looked my kid in the eye and told her
"I wouldn't"
When she asked if I'd give Cole
A million more opportunities if
He came running back and apologized
Telling me I'm the only girl he's ever loved
And I hope I meant it
Because he's gone and done it
I miss him a lot these days
But we all know he isn't good for me
And there's Evan! Evan,
The man that without fail makes me laugh
And smile
And encourages me to grow
I don't feel weight when I talk to Evan
But this history with Cole is too much to ignore
.
.
.
I think I need to date myself for a while
Feb 2018 · 460
Who I Am
Samm Marie Moore Feb 2018
I refuse to be the
Damsel in distress
When I can be the
De-stressed damsel
Samm Marie Moore Feb 2018
"Life is like a brick wall.
Whenever something good happens
You add a brick.
But when something bad happens,
The wall breaks apart.
The point of life is that we keep
Building and repairing that wall.
Once we reach the end of our life,
The wall will be be so strong that
We can rest in peace for
Eternity"

-*Evan Kruck
Feb 2018 · 898
Another Poem on Him
Samm Marie Moore Feb 2018
So I suppose I shouldn't be surprised
But he wants to come to my aid
Rescue me from flirts that look like ******-Doo's Shaggy
I just don't think he realizes he's already saved me
I am no longer a damsel in distress
He showed the tower was never locked
I had a key the whole time
Now, he's so incredibly patient as I ease my way out
Loving me so fiercely; I can't help it
I love me, too
I always have, he just made me realize it
Anxiety consumes my soul like Man's Red Flower in Jungle Book
Oceans of fear splash across my brain
But my heart, although racing, is at peace
Even as I lose sight of who I am
He reminds me my imperfections are beautiful
He reminds me I am loved
He reminds me I am enough
And I feel safe
I've never known such peace
Never known such an unfailing love
I've said it before, but never will I stop believing
He is the sun; so am I
I have hope
I love him more than I ever thought possible
He is a saint
And I am lucky to call him mine
In any sense of the word
Jan 2018 · 194
I Love Him
Samm Marie Moore Jan 2018
And I realized
he is the sun
but so am I
We just shine differently
Samm Marie Moore Jan 2018
It will be far more powerful
To look someone alive in the eye
Rather than dead
Jan 2018 · 191
I Cannot Wait For the Day
Samm Marie Moore Jan 2018
I can look him
In the eye and whisper
"I love you"
Samm Marie Moore Jan 2018
I am beginning to realize that
There are things in life
That will not matter in the end
For example my high school GPA
There are things so much more beautiful
And important
Like being a mother
A lover
A sister
A daughter
A friend
A human
And I am striving to be all those at once
Rather than stressing over how
I will finish my senior year
As I transition into the real world
Where I'll attend college with my best friend
Who unknowingly has made me see all this
Samm Marie Moore Jan 2018
So I did what I've been conditioned to do
I texted my ex
At least ten times
I didn't call him baby
Or say I love you
I just asked him to talk to me
Because I was feeling suicidal

He didn't even reply

I confessed this to the man I
Actually love, the saint in my life,
And he asked why I didn't come to him
For the comfort I was seeking
But "Hey babe, I really want to pass out face
Down in a bubble bath after drinking two
Bottles of NyQuil so that I can just drown"
Isn't a great pickup line

But he's my best friend

He looked so hurt
Not by my not coming to him
But my thoughts of suicide
He couldn't fathom why I'd wish myself
Dead
And it was as though he was starting into my soul
"That's the thing about relationships" he started
"Your boyfriend is supposed to be your best friend"
He promised he'd always come
He's always going to be here for me

*And I've never loved anyone more
Jan 2018 · 237
Beautiful
Samm Marie Moore Jan 2018
I had never been called beautiful
By a boy before
And yet he made my heart stop
Completely when he said it
He seemed so sure
As though it were fact
Not opinion

In stopping my heart he made
It start with a slightly different beat
I'm not saying he made realize
That I am far more than I credit myself
I've realized it before
But he made me believe in the word
I've worn it upon my throat for nearly seven
Months now, remembering that life is beautiful

I constantly remind him I'm broken and messy
Not the kind of girl you would
Take home to mama and put a ring on
Her left hand
I'm an *******
But then he called me beautiful and I
Realized that I am
Because life is beautiful
And I am life
Dec 2017 · 363
Why Do We Name Things
Samm Marie Moore Dec 2017
It's as though we are
Reducing
The potential of something
In the act of declaring a definitive
Name
Perhaps that is why there are
So many words;
Perhaps they all mean the same thing
But no one could agree
They all have their own infinities
Because even infinity
Has infinity
We say words and names so much
They become a mere mirror
Fragment
When we name things and people
Are we declaring ourselves to be
God?
Samm Marie Moore Dec 2017
I've been keeping
A list of things about him
Anything I feel important
Gets noted
His favorite color is green
He has a golden doodle
her name is Sadie
He has auto-immune encephalitis
He swears like it's going out of style
But makes it so suave
Etc. Etc. Etc.

He was feeling sad
Broken
Unappreciated
So I told him to hang on a minute
I needed to get my bag from the car
I threw in my shoes, forgetting socks,
I didn't even grab my jacket
The rain tried to drown me
As I accomplished my mission
I took a few pictures of this list
And hit send

I thought I ****** up
45 minutes went by and
He hadn't said anything
My anxiety was kicking in so
I played first person shooters
With my baby brother
I love that kid
My phone vibrated
Sending pulses of panic
Throughout my existence
"Wow"
One word, no explanation

"Truly amazing"
"No one knows me that well"
The short texts of amazement kept streaming in
Vibration after vibration
He was so happy
That didn't stop him from
Mentioning that he hates
This whole being single thing
But it's for the best when
You've been cheated on by five girls
Again I helped

"Sorry for being clingy the past few days"
I shot an hour or so later
He always tells me it's okay
But I don't think it is
Without missing a beat
He replied
"I love it"
I cried

I cried because
like I told him
He "just made my heart smile
So much that tears fell
No one's ever said anything
Like that me and it washed some
Of my anxieties away"
I proceeded to thank him
He's my best friend so
There's always that love
That exists between friends
So I thanked him for it

He was confused
"Thank you for loving me Evan"
"Samm, I don't have to try to
I love you so much it comes naturally"
This man
So wonderful and imperfect
Yet so flawless
Made me cry again

My heart hasn't ever smiled before
I thought in the past that it has
But that was just butterflies
My heart smiled tonight
**And I've never been so
Sure
Nov 2017 · 141
I Think I Just Realized
Nov 2017 · 328
Let's Choose
Samm Marie Moore Nov 2017
You kind of have this weird hate-love relationship with life and humanity.
Why don’t you just choose love?
Choose kindness.
Choose optimism.
Choose to do the work now.
Choose to jump in head first.
Choose to “Braveheart it”.
Choose to be prepared.
Choose to smile.
Choose happy.
It’s so crazy how just making a choice can change your life.
It is just as easy to be kind and happy as it is to be a total ******* filled with regret.
One could argue that it’s actually easier.
So make the choice.
Make the choice to change.
Make the choice to believe in the 21/90 rule!
Make the choice to be habitually content with yourself.
You are just as important as the people you take care of.
You are just as important!
Let that sink in.
You are important.
Everything will be okay in the end.
If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.
Remember that.
So let’s make that leap together:
let’s choose happy;
*let’s choose self-love
Nov 2017 · 591
Hey Listen!
Samm Marie Moore Nov 2017
You are wonderful
You are intelligent
And creative
You are filled with infinite possibilities
And I believe in you
You are strong and bold
It's okay to hurt
To be sad
To feel lower than low
It's not over
Infinity is in your favor
Just breathe
Because you are a beautiful
Soul
Built to overcome
Because although imperfect
You are simply perfect
Oct 2017 · 162
This I Know Is True
Samm Marie Moore Oct 2017
The world stands
Still so that our
Responses will
Propel us forward
Oct 2017 · 317
AP Chemistry...2 Months In
Samm Marie Moore Oct 2017
Atoms
Ions
Protons
Neutrons
Electrons
Periodic Table
Moles
Molecules
amus
Molarity
Dilutions
Titrations
Calorime­try
Bond Enthalpy
Redox reactions
Non-redox
Oxidization
calories
Calories
Solubility rules
RICE tables
Stoichiometry
Polyatomic ions
Prefixes
Suffixes
Intensive
Extensive
Imperial units
Metric units
.
.
.
I don't understand yet
Samm Marie Moore Oct 2017
You are cherished deeply and infinitely. I know we are in the process of grieving. All of us are grieving differently and many of us are grieving different things. Some of us our grieving the loss of Kyle. Some of us are grieving our being mortal. Some of are grieving memories that are swelling to the surface. Regardless, almost everyone is grieving. But that's okay.
I write this letter to remind you that you are not alone. I know this first month of the school year has been rough. And honestly, we haven't taken much time to acknowledge just how rough it has been. But know this: there is still hope in the world. There are infinite possibilities for everyone. You are the only one who can decide how you will live your one crazy beautiful life. In the end it will be okay. Maybe right now it's not okay, and that in itself is okay. But know that if it's not okay, it's not the end.
So for now be still. Breathe. Let it sink in. Let it be. And when you're ready, move. Because life goes on. If you need someone to talk to I am here. Just message me. We can go out for coffee or fro-yo sometime. Whatever. I'll listen. It'll be okay friends. For now, let's be still together. You are a wonderful being and I hope you realize you are completely loved.
Love,
Samantha Moore
PHS Senior
Samm Marie Moore Sep 2017
And spray-painted "Black Lives DON'T Matter"
In the parking lots
The week before they changed the wifi name
To "School Shooting at 1"

But it doesn't matter!

Of course it matters, but it doesn't

But listen
Because what I have to say might be important

The truth of the matter is this:
Hate is so cruel
It's mean
That's its nature!
But we don't have to accept it
Those incidents?
They were a couple different things
Caused by a few ******* teens.
But it doesn't matter
Because we are all here to just be
That's all.
We are meant to hurt
To cry
To bleed
To be pained
But it is not the end state
I do not care what your personal beliefs are
But I do
Because you are an individual soul
Fragile and beautiful
But you are just one
The same for myself
Now think
Together we can be powerful
We can be strong and wonderful
We are unstoppable

Have you ever seen a revolution led by only one person?
No supporters?
No agreeance?
More than likely not.
But it always starts with one.
One person
One idea
One value
One soul
One perspective

I am ready to take up arms
Against cruelty
Against hate
Let's start a revolution
Let's love
Sep 2017 · 135
When...
Samm Marie Moore Sep 2017
...did we become so hyper-focused
On hatred and negativity
.
.
.
Rather than loving everyone
And everything
So whole-heartedly?
Aug 2017 · 165
I Have Suffered Enough
Samm Marie Moore Aug 2017
To know that I am worth
More than anyone can give
But also
I have suffered enough
To know that I generally
Am willing to compromise my being
Aug 2017 · 176
No Such Thing
Samm Marie Moore Aug 2017
No such thing as too much kissing
No such thing as too much love
No such thing as too many hours staring at each other
No such thing as too many cuddles
No such thing as too much longing
*No such thing as too much love
Aug 2017 · 324
This Trip Around the Sun
Samm Marie Moore Aug 2017
"When all is said and done: don't walk, you better run. Girl, you better get out while you can. You think that this is love; you don't wanna give him up. If you stay he'll turn on you again" -Kelsey Hickman*

I've realized
Abuse is abuse
No matter the format
No matter the medium
I believe it is finally
Time to move on
Time to move forward
Cut the ropes
To the bridge
Maybe even light a little fire
Or shoot off Roman candles
Either way
I must learn
To breathe
For myself
These are just thoughts that have crossed through my mind as I have listened to "When All Is Said and Done" by Kelsey Hickman religiously this last weekend. The title is also lyrics in her song
Samm Marie Moore Aug 2017
And don't return
At least not until
I truly love myself undeniably

I keep wanting to email you
But I promised myself
I wouldn't cave
Aug 2017 · 142
I Am
Samm Marie Moore Aug 2017
Me

*Why would I want to be
anyone else?
Aug 2017 · 231
Noteworthy
Samm Marie Moore Aug 2017
To love oneself
Is to love purely
Simply and beautifully
Aug 2017 · 139
We Remember
Samm Marie Moore Aug 2017
But best of all
We grow
Samm Marie Moore Aug 2017
That I am my own person
So you must *******
And allow me to breathe
Aug 2017 · 420
E
Samm Marie Moore Aug 2017
E
Excite
Exit
Evaporate
Erase
Evolve
Enclose
Envelop
Even
Everythin­g
Aug 2017 · 151
V
Samm Marie Moore Aug 2017
V
Very
Vivacious
Victory
Vain
Vein
Ventriloquism
Vaporize
Aug 2017 · 129
O
Samm Marie Moore Aug 2017
O
Open
Oppressed
Odd
Own
Om
Other
Ornery
Oh!
Okay
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