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 Oct 2018 helloitsyellow
mel
i'm not sure
who planted this seed
inside all of our heads
whispering quietly

”stop feeling so much"

who made the assumption
that feelings = weakness?
because those two terms
have never been seamless

to dip into your depths
with no feelings oppressed
takes the kind of courage
most fear cant be fed

weakness evolves
from putting all of
your energy into
building up
the walls
that block
the flow of life
that was meant
to move you
further into the
depths of the you
you didn’t know
you never knew

to feel
and i mean,
to really feeeel
every ounce of this
human experience
comes with a bravery
that most resist

it breaks you apart
shakes you down
uprooting all
that’s been

to guide you
from within

to let this life
overcome you
with whatever
emotions
it may,
while being
proud of it too?

now, that
is strength

that is the
weakness
pouring
out of
you

 Oct 2018 helloitsyellow
c
Does your kiss
Still taste
Like everything
I drank to forget?
 Oct 2018 helloitsyellow
q
i don't understand how
my pen always lands
on her
i want to cut the strings
that tie my hand
and my heart to her
but i can't
and so i tell my new crush
i am not ready
it is not because i am still
in love with her
i am not
it is not because i am
waiting for her to try again
i am not
it is because when i think
about moving on
i think about hurting her
and i am terrified
to hurt her the way
she hurt me
 Oct 2018 helloitsyellow
q
i don't know what i want
but i do know
i am going to need
somebody who is
willing to be
patient
my heart has been broken
my voice has been stollen
i am no longer naive
to heartbreak
and i am afraid to
tell you what i need
because i am not asking
you to wait
but i hope that you
will stay
 Oct 2018 helloitsyellow
q
today when i sat down
with a pen in my hand
the only thing i didn't
want to write about
was you
how freeing it is
to write about
a new kiss
and a new crush
to write about
my yellow shoes
my best friend
the rainstorm i made it through
how freeing it is
to not write about you
 Oct 2018 helloitsyellow
q
my life is about me
this has always been
a foreign concept
but now
my life is about me
i have decided to be
intentional
to do the things
that i enjoy
to make myself happy
my happiness should never again
come from another person
and so today
when i sat down
the first thing i wrote down is
my life is about me
Did you notice as you were packing
I was too
Packing up things to give away
Shedding what we don’t need
Emptying the nest
Literally
And now the house is a mess
There are boxes all around
Books off their shelves
Things out of place
It’s not going to get better unless I take a stab
At cleaning
Organizing
Transitioning
Because the house is just a mess
Without you
 Oct 2018 helloitsyellow
q
after her i thought
maybe i am
a “real” lesbian
because when i was searching
for someone new
i kept finding myself
wanting to be
in a girls arms
but that is not because
i am a lesbian
it is because
through all of my searching
i still think
i was looking for her
so when i ended up
with a boys hand
tangled in mine
his lips pressed gently
and then not so gently
against mine
i knew that
i had been looking
for her
but now
i am just looking
for me
 Sep 2018 helloitsyellow
q
it felt good
to feel wanted
and feel beautiful
and feel good enough
and feel confident
it feels good
for you
to not be
the last person i kissed
The three phrases I was given
At a time I thought
I could not go on
I want to share with you

You did not cause it
You can not control it
You can not cure it

Someone who understood pain and loss  
Shared these words with me

I did not cause it
I can not control it
I can not cure it

     I repeated them during my morning runs
          I put them on my to do list
               I read them aloud everyday

It wasn’t until it became my mantra
That it sunk in

At first I fought against them
My mind taking over
As it often does
With overthinking
And inflicting painful thoughts

     If I only I did it differently...
          I did not cause it
               If I only I do this now...
                    I can not control it
                         If only you would...
                              I can not cure it

I did not heal
Until I realized
I really did not cause it
I really can not control it
I really can not cure it
     But I can chose to
        ... Cope

I can choose to survive
I can choose to love myself despite the reasons these words became important
In the first place

Now I give them to you
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