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ButterPecan Oct 2018
Did you notice as you were packing
I was too
Packing up things to give away
Shedding what we don’t need
Emptying the nest
And now the house is a mess
There are boxes all around
Books off their shelves
Things out of place
It’s not going to get better unless I take a stab
At cleaning
Because the house is just a mess
Without you
ButterPecan Sep 2018
The three phrases I was given
At a time I thought
I could not go on
I want to share with you

You did not cause it
You can not control it
You can not cure it

Someone who understood pain and loss  
Shared these words with me

I did not cause it
I can not control it
I can not cure it

     I repeated them during my morning runs
          I put them on my to do list
               I read them aloud everyday

It wasn’t until it became my mantra
That it sunk in

At first I fought against them
My mind taking over
As it often does
With overthinking
And inflicting painful thoughts

     If I only I did it differently...
          I did not cause it
               If I only I do this now...
                    I can not control it
                         If only you would...
                              I can not cure it

I did not heal
Until I realized
I really did not cause it
I really can not control it
I really can not cure it
     But I can chose to
        ... Cope

I can choose to survive
I can choose to love myself despite the reasons these words became important
In the first place

Now I give them to you
ButterPecan Sep 2018
I really think if you told your mom
You would be surprised
I hope the surprise is that she’s there for you
And that she finds the right words
Because she’s your mom
And if the surprise is hurtful
Remember the words you told me once
She may be grieving
Not because she is disappointed
But because she didn’t know
Because she doesn’t really know what it all means
Because she couldn’t find the right words at the right time
But more importantly,
Because she was the last to know
Mothers don’t like to be the last to know
We were once the first to see everything
Then we were demoted
Yet we saw more then we got credit for
Now that our children are grown and gone
It’s different
We rely on tidbits, small talk, holiday visits, sibling rumors
Mothers are often the last to know
But no matter what
And no matter how we react
When we are finally told
Or if we are never told
Every secret
Every heartbreak
Every silly encounter
A mother’s love is so strong
Our love is forever
I really think if you told your mom
You would be surprised
  Sep 2018 ButterPecan
he told his mom about me
and it just made me appreciate him even more than i already did
to know that someone is proud to have me
is a feeling that i am not yet used to
to know that there is no fear in his mind
when he reaches for my hand in public
because he wants to hold it
and he doesn't care what people think
and i just feel good
because i feel lucky to be with someone
who wanted to tell their mom about me
ButterPecan Aug 2018
You say he is our favorite child
We say there are no favorites
He was just easier
  Aug 2018 ButterPecan
by telling me you didn't like it when i dyed my hair, you were telling me that you didn't like me. maybe you didn't realize that, but i did and i'll never forget it.
  Aug 2018 ButterPecan
i paint my nails yellow
because yellow is beautiful
and yellow makes me happy
and nothing bad can happen when the sun sets and gold streams through the windows in my house
i paint my nails yellow
because it's a reminder to smile
a reminder that there is good in this worls
i paint my nails yellow

— The End —