when my best friend told me
“when i love someone,
i am going to to love them
with everything inside of me”
i finally felt understood
because i did love her
with everything inside of me
i don’t know how to not
and that’s the thing about me
i am an all or nothing
kind of girl
if i love you
i will love every part of you
with my whole being
i will become blind by love
that is not to say
i am not scared
i am terrified
because i know
that if this love ends
it will break me
because if i have given you
every part of me
will you ever be able to
give it all back when
you are done using it
and that is why i never
let myself love before you
i thought you would be more careful
because i explained this all to you
but love is not careful
love is fragile and breakable
and if i had to have my heart broken
i am still glad
it was by you

you never promised me forever
and i would not have wanted you to
because we both knew
we had an expiration date
i thought it would take longer
for sweetness to turn sour
but you can not ignore
a souring fruit

just in case
you’re in a dark place
and can’t seem
to find a light switch
or matches even
I want you to know
you are loved
maybe not by yourself
yet
but you are
even though it sounds
like a fairytale for now
at some point
you’ll find the light switch
or the matches
and you’ll be able to see
that the fairytale
came true
and you’re the one
that made it happen

homesick can’t be the right word
what is the word
for missing a place
that no longer exists
sure,
the buildings are still there
but the place i miss
with the people i miss
is no longer there
so why do i miss it so badly
homesick isn’t the right word
for missing somewhere
that you can never have back

i said it out loud
for the first time
if you asked me
to get back together
i would say no
i no longer want to be with you
because
i have never been treated worse
you must know
how badly
you are hurting me
you must know
that i am not okay
you must know
that what you are doing is cruel
because
you still know me
so do not pretend
you do not know what you’re doing  
we both know
you are making me feel horrible
so please don’t pretend
what you’re doing is okay

and when she told me
"it can only get better from here"
i wanted to call her a liar
i wanted to scream
because no,
it won't always get better
and there will be days
when it feels like
the first day all over again
and days where i do not
even think of her
healing is not linear
progress is not a straight line
and when she told me
"things can only get better"
i understood
that she had never felt heartbreak
she has never has the solid floor
crumble underneath her without a warning
and i wonder
if you ever really heal from heartbreak
or if you just turn it into other things
because how can i ever heal from you
i will never forget about us
that is not to say
i don't think it will get easier
but i wonder if i will ever feel
whole again
without the piece of me
i have given to you

i hate myself
for needing closure
that you are not willing
to give me
i hate myself
for having to ask
i hate myself
for still caring about you
i hate myself
for still loving you
i hate myself
for not seeing
the way you treated me
was never what i deserved
i think part of the damage
is that when i was with you
i lost part of myself
i began to hate parts of me
that i used to love
and now
i don't know how
to love all of myself
to love the parts
you helped me hate

i will always admire you
you feel this deep sense of empathy
i have never seen before
you care so much about everything
you feel so deeply and strongly
you always make sure to show me
not only do you care about everything
you care about me
thank you

and i remember the poem
you wrote about
yellow nail polish
and today
when i needed you
your light
your smile
your hug
your comfort
your friendship
i bought myself
a bottle of
yellow nail polish
because if i can
not be with you
at least i can
carry you in
my yellow nails