did you lose even a single night of sleep, the days i was tucked safely back at home with my mother?
was i anything more than an after-thought once you stopped seeing me?
a problem to be dealt with only once you were faced with it once again
did you ever miss me? or if not me, then the freedom to lay hands without repercussions?

did you think yourself an artist, with hands designed to create?
did you think because you made me that i was yours to hate?

when you streaked my canvas black and blue, did your reflection hurt or couldn't you look?
i bet you could, i bet you never had a second thought, i know you never had the capacity to feel or say sorry

your water colours hurt less than your acrylics, let me tell you this
i could wash away your water-blues with time and little white capsules
your acrylics took so much longer to dry, their consistency so much greater
their texture so much thicker, and stickier, and prone to staining
if they touched their fingers to the palettes you tucked away inside my brain, they'd come away covered
with hurt and guilt and shame, all these doubts and questions
purple, red and black and grey

did you dip your brush into that innocent creature's blood? the one you had me chuck
straight into the wheelie bin like you could so easily discard the lives you took?
if i'm shaking as i write this down, it's only because i remember that day with a clarity that scorns
my Achilles' heel is shovels, pellet guns and alcohol
i hope one day your bullets ricochet and when you treat your wounds you drown instead

red wine's no good for healing, anyway
but then i've never tried it, so what would i know? i'm different from you in every blessed way

when they tell you to **** yourself,
you will try
you'll try anything
at least once
even if it's the last first try
you'll ever get again

where you used to rest your head
it's splitting open, there's blood in my mouth
ache and ache and ache
'til the weight of existence is numbed to mere memory
i can still feel the silk soft caress of your lips against my chest
where you used to rest your head
i could take on the world with you to anchor this soaring heart

then this anchor made my heart sore
and what's the weight of the world against the weight of your absence?
did you think about the way i'd sink and did you expect me to swim?

the way that you left me, i can't say it's alright
i miss the way i didn't dare let myself take a full breath for the risk of dislodging you
and how i never thought about the way you might dislodge my ribs
where you used to rest your head
and use them for puncture wounds made to look like an accident

i miss the days when you were sweet
and everything between us was soft and new;
we had the whole world at our feet.
now we're stuck in stalemate, no clue

what to do, where to be, who we are
i miss your gentle words and honeyed kisses
how you said my eyes were like stars
but you were the one granting all my wishes

and you were shooting, burning, fast and bright
perhaps we lost touch in this way:
you were only meant to be but a moment in the night
then the sun shines and it's time to face the day

how do you
let go
of somebody
you never got to hold?

you are chaotic, and beautifully broken
standing stoic and silent
but the earth thrums with your screams

there is no romance to be found in pain
fret not about idealism and misconception;
i know how you suffer

but there's so much love in you,
you could make the soulless feel again
too much passion for you to know what to do with

never shown enough compassion to understand
that your mind, ill as it may be, is gorgeous
you are not awful, but awe-inspiring

hard work wears you down
but your hands are still so soft;
they were meant to be held, and kissed

you were born to be adored
and feared and wanted, to confuse with your complexity
so that only the best of people will stand with you

side by side with you, with open eyes
and open arms and open hearts
there is war in your chest and these friends will bring you peace

the world has, since birth, shown you destruction
volleyed hatred and scorn in your direction
but here is its reconciliation:

these people that love you are soldiers
ready to help you win the wars that explode in the spaces between your ribs
they will help you breathe, and smile, and sleep