There's a door
In life
Its open to all
Who wish to walk through
It leads to happiness
And a better you
But to get to the other side
There's a decision to make
A choice to decide
Sometimes there's a sacrifice
Sometimes there's pain
But in life
Without losing there's no gain
It's give and take
It's love and loss
Just a random gamble
Gotta give the dice a toss
Because in the end
It's not what you had
Or the money you made
It's what in your heart
Even after your body fades
With every scary part
And every gory detail
Doing what feels right
Decides wether you win
Or fail

Walk through the door
Get to the other side
It's worth it all
Forget your **** pride
Choose happiness
And true morality
Nothing means more than family
Love and loyalty

This can't hide
All that
Rests inside
Love, loathing, pain and holding
Trying to hold back
All that's hiding
Deep, deep
Cutting, hating, lusting, waiting
Wanting to explode
You don't know!
What it's like
To hold
I hold back so much
All the time
You don't even know
What I want
Who I am
Who I hope to be
You sit and stare
Vacancy in your eyes
Saying words
As they come to mind
I watch,
I watch your mouth moving
And your words
Enter
Then leave
Like smoke
Released
From a woman's
Pursed lips
Who the hell are you?
Why the hell
Am I with you?
I sit
Cross-legged
And alone
Waiting, wanting, wishing
And alone
Head in my hands,
Alone

i wish you'd fight for me
for once in your life, go after something and hold onto it
i wish you'd fight for me
and for everything you believe we could be together
i wish you'd fight for me
because maybe, just maybe i could make you happy and all i really wanna see is that happiness you wear so well in your eyes instead of across your teeth.
i wish you'd fight for me
maybe then i'd know for that i am actually wanted the same way i want you
i wish you'd fight for me
so i can stop questioning like a stupid infatuated girl
i wish you'd fight for me
fight for me like i have been fighting myself for you
i wish you'd fight for me
but i know inside you never will.

Troubled and
Insecure. I'm a
**** up and make mistakes. And I'm
Faced with the consequences
And I wouldn't want it any other way
Not now or ever shall I stray away
Because
Yesterday all my fears- flew away

And trust me baby
I'm not going away

Today I had a talk with someone that made me question my perspective on love.
What is love to you?
I asked a close friend and she said love is to be able to never get tired of a person and to appreciate their flaws. Love is to want to compromise.
Then I asked her, even if they cheated on you?
And she said no.

As I had this certain talk with someone that made me question love, he started off by saying that in the bible, it is written that one should not marry someone who doesn't believe in the God of Abraham.
Now what does that mean?
He told me that in modern day, it means you should not marry a person who is not a Catholic.
But why would God say that right?
God loves you unconditionally. When I say unconditional, i mean God will love you no matter what, even if you commit ****** or any other sin.
So he told me, "So 'believing in the God of Abraham' actually means understanding and believing in the idea of unconditional love.

"Unconditional love is required to keep two people happy together. The bible says you cannot be together forever with someone who doesn't believe in unconditional love."

Here's an example that this certain someone told me about.

If you believe in conditional love and marry someone who doesn't believe in unconditional love, he will not understand where you are coming from. If you cheat on him, and ask him to take you back, he won't because he doesn't understand the idea of unconditional love.
Rather, he'd be angry that you even have nerve to cheat on him and ask for his forgiveness. He would think that you're crazy and selfish to expect him to forgive you.
"Why? Because in his world, there is no unconditional love. He doesn't understand it.
Why? Because he doesn't know an example of unconditional love (God of Abraham)
It's only logic."

I asked him if he believes in unconditional love and he said "I believe that there is no other love than unconditional love."

And that makes me question the concept of love.

If I think about it, I'll love my family no matter what happens, even if they betray me.
If i can't love my life long partner in the same way I love my family, then that is not love.

I don't think I can tell anyone other than my family that I love them because unconditional love is the only kind of love.
If someone cheated on me, I don't think I will be able to forgive them and take them back unless I love them unconditionally.

He told me another scenario.

Where your spouse cheats on you and you take him back because you love him unconditionally. He says he loves you but doesn't understand what unconditional love is.
"Now overtime you look into his eyes and say that you love him, he'll smile or something like that but that idiot won't understand the gravity of what you are saying. He'll only think that you love him like this limited definition of love. It's like there is a glass wall between you and him. He can see you but can't hear you. But he is okay with it because he doesn't know that the glass wall can be taken out of the way. But you know better. Can you imagine how frustrating it'll be?"

"You - I love you
Him - I love you, too
You - No! Not like that, I love you unconditionally
Him - Yes, I love you too
You - No no.. UNCONDITIONALLY
Him - Huh?
You - :("

So then I proceeded to ask him,
"What do you do from there?"

And he said,
"Take a deep breath and continue loving unconditionally."

At last, he said to me, "Good luck loving someone after this."
I laughed.
Because he was right.
Now I have a total different definition of love.

Unconditional love is a sacrifice, a beautiful sacrifice.
And I'm not sure if I'm capable of making that sacrifice.

Im growing up.
what i want is changing,
a little more everyday.
My mind tells me i don't want this anymore.
sometimes it screams so loud inside this shell of a skull
telling me i need to get out
go
leave.

But i cant.

When i look a you lying next to me sleeping
my heart stands still because you lie in my arms
trusting me.
its like a cliche scene in some advert on tv.
i can hear the music in the background as the light shines on your face
and suddenly everything is still and slow-mo
and all i can feel is your soft breath on my chest and everything is alright
i touch your eyelashes so softly and your eye will do that little flicker
and you'll rub your nose and shift a little, but still soundly asleep.
ill kiss your forehead and whisper that i love you
because i do.
believe me i do.
But i dont know whats right anymore because i dont think that my love will ever match up to yours if i stay
and you'll keep telling me that's okay
but its not.

So let me go and please dont cry.
because i'm not worth the tears
someday you'll understand why..