Dear you,
         I miss you.
The way your eyes looked identical to the stars in the sky,

The way your heart was so authentic it's nothing money can buy.

I miss you.

The way your kisses sent electricity through my veins,

The way you held me close and took me away from the pain.

I miss you.

the way that all your flaws made you even more pure,

the way you took care of me when i'm down like you always had the cure.

I miss you.

I miss you.

I miss you so much it hurts.

You say their names and it's like a trigger inside me head.
Pull the trigger.
I hate them.
I think of every terrible moment I had with them.
How they made me cry and made me want to leave,
How they cornered me and forced me to talk when all I could do was shake.
How they yelled and yelled at me, how I was always the odd man out.
But what hurts the most I guess was that you were always there for every terrible moment and you never changed a **** thing.
I hate them.
You say their names and I pull the trigger,
Of every terrible thing you did with them,
How you were just like them.
I think of how they dumped you like a pile of dirt but you still kept running back to them.
I'm afraid of myself because I've never had much hatred for anyone before,
But if you ask me how I feel about them i'll tell you
I just hate them.

You knock on my door,
But I can't seem to move my feet.
I am stuck to the couch like super glue,
But all I want is for you to be here with me.
You yell for me,
You bang on the door,
You try to pry open the window.
I cry.
I want you to stay in my life forever,
But I'll keep pushing you away because it's just better for me to be alone.

Some days I can't stop laughing,
Some days I need to find a reason to live.
Most days I have to stop myself from crying,
Every day I feel I have nothing to give.
Some days I want to dance on my feet,
Some days I just want to stay in bed.
Most days I feel Anxiety has me beat,
Every day I know I'm being held captive.
One day I want to be okay.
One day.

Lies
Fights
Sleepless nights.

Anger
Liquor
A Black eye.

Too many problems
So little time
Goodbye.

I am drunk off the way you said my name.
I am drunk off the way you smiled at me.
No, I am not an alcoholic, but right now i'm chugging down every aching memory I have of you.
I'm pouring shots of the first time we kissed. The way your lips fit so perfectly with mine.
After another shot or two, i'm hoping I can forget your name, that all of our memories just become a blur.
I drink until I can't feel because the thought of you with someone new makes me want to be sick,
I drink until my brain shuts down, but when I wake up tomorrow alone in bed, I'll think of how I never knew what love really meant.

You ask what is on my mind, but the truth is it's really hard to describe.
You see, I think everyday about today being the worst day.
That today is the day that that day will be my last day.
I think about how i'm walking around while "someone"  is dead, but I don't know that dead person but I wish I did.
I think about how one day i'll be dead but someone won't know me because i'm dead and nobody can meet a dead person.
I think about how time goes by fast, but also very slow. I mean I always question if i'll have enough time to do anything and everything with my life. Will I have time to take a shower in the morning? Will I have time to stop by target? Will I have time to just...live?
Breathe.
I think about my fears. how I fear to die, but also fear to live. I fear of today being my last day and having no time to actually live my life. I fear what people fear most like spiders and snakes, oh my.
I fear of losing myself, because everyday is a battle even when I don't show it.
Breathe.
I fear of losing you.
I fear you will find someone new, someone better,
but I don't blame you.
I fear I will never be good enough for you.
I fear I love too much,
why do you love them?
I fear I care too much,
why do you care anymore?
I fear I cry too much.
will you please stop crying?
Breathe.
So when you ask me what is on my mind, I never say much because it is easier to say nothing at all than to say what is going on in my head.

"Are you okay?" is always the most painful question because you never know if you should pour your heart out or just lie, but you always lie and say you're fine.

"Do you still love me?"
Brain - No, why would she still love you?
She doesn't look at you the same.
she doesn't say I love you everyday.
She doesn't understand you.
She will never understand you.
She can find someone better.
It's okay you're just meant to be alone.

"I don't want this"
The four words that shattered my heart, ripped through my skin and was pierced into my brain.
" I don't want this"
those words spin in my head over and over again while I break down and cry into my pillow so no one will hear my sorrows.
" I don't want this"
Well I wish you did, because I want this.
I want us.
i'd fight wars, climb mountains, swim rivers,
to be with you again.
But would you do the same for me?
Am I even worth it?
I was broken before you met me,
I was lost but than you found me,
I had my flaws but you still loved me.
"I don't want this"
I will forever love you,
but now when you hold me,
I will always hear this.

You will never understand,
How my legs start to shake whenever I'm in an uncomfortable situation.
You will never understand,
That crying makes me feel better when I'm overthinking about everything.
You will never understand,
That I feel icky anytime I feel like a burden to you.
You will never understand,
How your words hurt me even when you don't mean them, that they will play in my head over and over again like song lyrics and even when I paint a smile onto my face, those words will haunt me in my dreams.
You will never understand,
That this depression will stay with me for years and I know that eventually you will get tired of it and me and want to leave, so I push you away every chance I get so I don't get hurt.
But I'm hurting.
I'm always hurting.
I'm sorry.
You will never understand,
That I apologize for everything because everything will always be my fault. I'll  blame my depression, my anxiety, I'll even blame the wall before I ever blame you, because I love you.
One thing I've figured out is that, you will never understand.