You will never understand,
How my legs start to shake whenever I'm in an uncomfortable situation.
You will never understand,
That crying makes me feel better when I'm overthinking about everything.
You will never understand,
That I feel icky anytime I feel like a burden to you.
You will never understand,
How your words hurt me even when you don't mean them, that they will play in my head over and over again like song lyrics and even when I paint a smile onto my face, those words will haunt me in my dreams.
You will never understand,
That this depression will stay with me for years and I know that eventually you will get tired of it and me and want to leave, so I push you away every chance I get so I don't get hurt.
But I'm hurting.
I'm always hurting.
I'm sorry.
You will never understand,
That I apologize for everything because everything will always be my fault. I'll  blame my depression, my anxiety, I'll even blame the wall before I ever blame you, because I love you.
One thing I've figured out is that, you will never understand.

Do you know the true meaning of sleepless nights ? It's not staying up watching tv & on your phone ; it's drowning deep in thoughts all alone , having nightmares when your eyes shut & fighting back tears.
Sitting up or laying down thinking you overcame them but just encounter new fears , heartaches , depression & maybe a life at stake .
Ever just stared at the ceiling or stars ,wanting to be up there ? Free from mistakes & bypassing thoughts of death as these sleepless nights then become routine & the screams grow louder in protest for you to give up & in to this not thick but thin life.
These oh so sleepless nights are dreadful & exhausting physically & emotionally but when it happens all you can do is hope to sleep again .
  
                                    ~Chilled

Lies
Fights
Sleepless nights.

Anger
Liquor
A Black eye.

Too many problems
So little time
Goodbye.

"Hey, is that your boyfriend?"

"No."

"Who are you texting, I bet it's your boyfriend."

"No."

"So, do you have a boyfriend?"

"No"

"Hey, take this guy's number. He's really hot, you should totally text him."

"NO"
"No"
"No"
"No" I don't have boyfriend. Beacause I have a girlfriend. I love a girl, and yet I change all the she's to he's so no one will ever see the real me. I change my lock screen and delete my texts, so no one can see the love I profess for the girl that I love it's time I confess.....but I can't.

I can't tell anyone the way I feel, i should tell everyone because my lies they steal,

All of our happiness and the love we provide, all because I keep my love for you inside.

Fact: To some people I only need to find the right man.

Fact: No man, could ever love me the way that you can.

I'm locked in this world, feeling like a liar, while people surround me I watch their actions transpire.

You know it's funny, in my own family, it's okay for a girl to be a *****, because it's only the gays we really deplore.

I've loved one woman all my life, but compared to my sister who's reached double digets, I'm the one who'll always be blamed by the bigots.

Maybe one day, it'll will be different.
And our lives will feel anew.

For now, to all the girls who love girls,
It's okay to be you.

You knock on my door,
But I can't seem to move my feet.
I am stuck to the couch like super glue,
But all I want is for you to be here with me.
You yell for me,
You bang on the door,
You try to pry open the window.
I cry.
I want you to stay in my life forever,
But I'll keep pushing you away because it's just better for me to be alone.