The angel of death kissed me and my mouth sputtered out rusty crimson blood
It slid down my cheek and dropped vertically off my chin
Down to the ground,
Hitting hard against the concrete floor of this cell
I watch it spread out and soak in
Little dribbles hitting down again now and then

I hear the steel doors shake
Piercing rattling in the hollow hall
I hear a shriek

My hair stands on end
Pricking my neck
Goosebumps rise
Pushing the air away from me

I am cold
Cold skin and a cold heart
It beats so slow
Maybe it will stop soon, altogether
Oh god I hope so

When I first met you we were young
I was warm and still had a light that shone
Now, years later
My light has gone dim and my hands gone cold
You tried to hold me and I think you noticed

We laid in my bed that day
You traced your fingertips along the tundra that is my lungs
Frozen in my rigid ribcage
You listened to the ever fading hum of the iceberg that is my heart

You tried to tell me you love me and all I said was Why?
How can you love a girl who's veins are frozen
Who's hair and nails and could slice the ice
Who's heart could freeze your very own

You have your own light and want to share, the trouble is i do not care
Of course I love you, so by all means I can not let you lose yourself trying to save me
Others have tried and always left
Maybe I'm selfish,
but I don't think my icy heart can survive being melting anymore
You see, the trouble is I like it cold
The frigid breath about me is the only thing left that I can feel

And I would rather feel cold, than nothing at all

Recovery
A long road
Tough, but
Worth traveling.
Even the worst days in recovery are better than the best days encompassed in an eating disorder.

Body appreciation is important. Learn to love the skin you're in. Yes, i posted a picture in which I am in my underwear. What more is showing than me wearing a swimsuit? Nothing more. Why is it okay for men to walk around without a shirt on but considered unacceptable and pornographic for women to be seen *******? Who created these rules? Who decided it was okay to discriminate against women? I don't ******* want to be "sugar & spice & everything nice," I want to be my own person. I am powerful. I am mad about stereotypes and "boundaries" placed on women. I don't ******* like the color pink, why is that a problem? I like blue, but I was raised in pink tights and pink dresses. I am breaking free. I am being my own unique person. A powerful woman.

I think about burning my bridge with heaven a lot
Crave that sweet release
Drip drip
Blood trickling
Down my arm, my leg
God can't help me now
I'm draining
Draining myself of pain,
I don't feel pain anymore
I don't feel anything
It's euphoric really, the sight of blood soothes me

White sheets,
Stained from late nights
Razor's edge,
dragged along, free of fright
Press harder
Go deeper
It doesn't hurt anymore

I thought I could be an Angel
This is how I died
Jumped and realized I cannot fly
(All along, I knew, my wings would give. I cut them too)
(I did it on purpose)
Can't you see?
The sight of my own blood,
It soothes me

God Almighty,
who the **** are you?
A savior who did not save me
You didn't even try
Just like my parents
"Oh, she's fine"
But now comes the day
Today they will have to say-
"Oh, she's dead"
I want to pound it into their ignorant heads
SHE'S DEAD SHE'S DEAD

Her own mind killed her
Now she's free
Somewhere floating in the sea
The sea of dead girls
Not above, but deep down below
Heaven would not take me
Ah...
Hello Hell,
I know you would come for me.

To take your own life is to sin
But how? Why? I did not win
The devil did
And I praised him
You kicked me out and he took me in
Wrapped me in razors
Swaddled me in sin

How does it feel
To be beaten at your own game?
You built me and I put you to shame
*******
You ignorant man
Save me? It appears as if you no longer can
This girl, she's dead
Burned deep down into the ground
Blood flows from me like a raging river

And then one minute
It's gone
Not a drop is left
I have been drained
Not a live nerve left to feel the pain
My blood is gone, just like me
Left somewhere floating in the sea
The sea of dead girls
Not above, but deep down below

I always knew I belonged in Hell.

Sometimes it's so hard to eat and so hard to breathe and I feel as if I'm being suffocated by my labels and drowning in these disorders.
I'm going no where, no where but backwards and sitting at this stand-still. This frozen train station smack dab in the middle of my brain, yanking me back and forth back and forth between happiness and hellish fate. Some days I spy a train off in the distance, it's usually sad. I haven't seen my health train come around in a while.
Some days I hop on the backwards train and I travel to my favorite old undying feelings. Self-loathing and negative body image. There's no lunch served on that train.
I haven't been on Happiness since maybe mid-January or so. My thought is that it got somewhat sick of me and decided it needed a break, ended up realizing how much better off it was without me and staying gone.
I'm alright, I bleed sometimes and I cry a lot. I don't eat a lot.
But I'm here? I'm here waiting in this ******* train station in my brain and I swear at moments I'm ready for recovery but then when I catch a quick glimpse, back down my hole of self-pity I go

Help me, but don't help me

Isn't it sad
the only romance I've ever had
is with my razor blade?