I chase the thought of you
Not like school girls get chased by boys
But the way you chase liquor
With something
Quick
Fast
And just as bitter

I turn you away
Not because I don't enjoy you
But the way you bring sadness
Along with
Pain
Tears
And ******* madness

-r.y.s

I want to **** myself
Everyday
Every hour
Every second
And yet I haven't
Because every time the thought occurs
The aftermath seems to play out in my head

I don't want to be
the acknowledgment at the beginning
of a book i'll never read
  to my sister
  to my friend
  to my lover
  gone to soon
  i wish you could read this

I don't want to be
the sad news story that everyone hears
and wishes it weren't real
  a 17 year old
  young and bright
  lots of friends
  left behind family
  greatly missed amongst us all

I don't want to break
my already broken family
even if they are breaking me
  lost a sister
  lost a cousin
  lost a daughter
  sadness engulfs them all
  two families split back to four

I want to leave
And I'll never believe
The world loves me so much
That it will stop in place
Because I take my life
But even if
It's only half the truth
This idea of the aftermath
That would occur
Should I stop my breathing
I'll keep breathing
In
Out
In
Out
Just to see the world continue turning

-r.y.s

Can a broken heart heal?
Or will it always leak?

How do I fall asleep without you next to me?
How do I know that when the nightmares come I wont be swallowed whole.
And when the terror,
The shakes
And the self important universe descend upon my head that I can find safety in the hollow of your neck and the crook of your elbow.

We used to say to burn to death would be
excruciating
But love,
You do not know
The extent of excruciating;
The pain of losing you.
To me now,
Burning to death
Would be a pleasant escape,
Compared to having to
Take breaths
And live each day
Without you being mine.

There is something very scary
About sharing yourself
Breaking down your walls
Letting someone in
Letting them see the brokenness of your soul
Tearing away that barrier
Between protecting yourself and lying
The worst part though
Is when you let them in
and they take a look around
And don't like what they see
So they leave
They leave you exposed
All your flaws out in the open
So you have to build your wall again
And wait for someone to want in
You just hope they won't leave too

My mother keeps dropping hints
About the increase in size of my waist
About the decrease in space between my legs
"Are you really going to eat that?"
"You shouldn't be snacking that much."
"If you're hungry, you should probably just drink water."
"That won't digest well if you eat it now."
"You know that's going straight to your gut."
Sometimes in the silence of our house late at night I can hear her whispering, "You're not good enough."

I love you too, mom.