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Felicity Smoak Dec 2016
You said you'd always love me.
And you never did.
You said you'd always be there.
And you never were.
You said you'd help me get through life.
And you never helped at all.

My only question is "how?"

How did you manage to aid in my creation,
stand there in the hospital room when I was born,
hold me when I was only a child,
and then leave me?

How could you sit in a jail cell,
knowing I was alone,
without a father,
without anyone to even model one for me?

How could you repeat your mistakes,
knowing how much it would affect me,
knowing how much it would affect my mother,
and my younger sister?

How could you leave me alone,
without a care in the world,
without a meaningful existence in my life,
without the slightest feeling of love from you?

Was I a reminder of your long lost youth?
Did I threaten your freedom?

You're supposed to embrace that your era is over,
that it was time to let your kingdom fall.

When you have a child,
you're supposed to love them.
I never felt that from you.
Instead, you left.

I thought I was over this,
writing about you,
missing you,
crying because you'll never love me like you should.

I guess some feelings just never die down,
especially not abandonment from someone
who's never supposed to leave you.

Most girls my age share stories of how their fathers
taught them how to fix cars,
or threatened to **** the boy who took their virginity.
The only thing I have to share of you is your never ending abandonment, sorriness, and the resentment I have for you because of them.

They think I'm crazy,
to hate the man who made me.

It's not crazy,
it's just justice.

When will I ever stop feeling this way? I guess we'll never know. But until I do, all I can do is cry and write.
Felicity Smoak Jun 2015
is it wrong to plan everything out
so that the stars don't collide when they align?

is it wrong to be terrified of the road ahead, even if I trust the driver?

is wrong to seize everything and make sure I am where I am supposed to be?

no matter what
i find myself
piddling through all my thoughts
my hopes and dreams
my wishes and desires
trying to find the one that paralyses me the least
but they all petrify me
just the same.

this next year is my last.
my last band camp.
my last marching band season.
my last first day of school.
my last new set of classes.
my last time meeting new teachers.
my last time sitting in those classrooms with those stupid desks that creak too much.
my last time walking through the halls of my high school.

it's coming. soon.
i can taste the freedom it's taunting me with.
and yet here I am, begging it to procrastinate.

i want to be free, away from high school,
and home,
and this state.

but I've made a life here.
but I've made friends here.
but I've grown roots here.

i'll be okay




but not right now.
not right now.
not right now.
not right now.
I've never been so scared for the future in my life.
Felicity Smoak May 2015
I feel as if everyone just

t o s s e s

me aside, like I am

m e a n i n g l e s s


e v e r y o n e .
Is it true? Do I mean nothing to everyone?
Felicity Smoak Jan 2015
Today I shot a gun.

I aimed at the middle of the heart
stared down the lane
took a breath and
fired directly
at the

The target didn't have a face
or a name

It was a blank canvas
And I painted your features onto it

And God,
Oh god...
did it feel good to fire at you.

Six-year-old me would've been proud
for doing what you should've done years ago.

Now my target looks like your heart.
Full of (bullet) holes.

you should've never aimed the gun at me, "Daddy".
Felicity Smoak Jan 2015
I wanna be forever.  
I wanna be free.
I wanna be fluid.

free, forever, fluid.

I wanna swim with dolphins and
and breathe the water.

free, forever, fluid.

I wanna speak with lizards and
and breathe the fire.

free, forever, fluid.

I wanna die peacefully once and
and breathe the air again.

free, forever, fluid.

I wanna keep my spirit and
my soul
and breathe the life again.

free, forever, fluid.

I wanna live with the vampires and
and breathe the mischief again.

I wanna keep my life free and
and breathe you in again.

free, forever, fluid.

what happens when I leave this earth
and I can't breathe anymore
I can't handle the thought
that this is all there is.

one life.
one chance.
one body.
one mind.
one soul.
one spirit.
one life.
one chance.
one body.
one mind.
one soul.
one spirit.


is too little.

I don't wanna leave my soul on this earth in this body. There's so much more to do.
Felicity Smoak Jan 2019
Remember the years when you thought childhood would never end?
Remember the years when you thought time was so slow?
Remember the years when you thought you were too small to matter?

And now, childhood comes to an abrupt end.
Now, time is as fast as my heartbeat.
Now, I am starting to matter.

Does that mean that this new life is better?
Should I be grateful for my further understanding of the world?

I yearn for the times when I had no responsibility.
I yearn for the times when I had nothing to lose.
I yearn for the times when I was totally and fully myself.
Without being scared.

I am scared to fail.
I am so scared to fail that I am scared to even try.
And I think that is what makes this life not better.

I wish you could freeze time on childhood.
I would spend forever there.

Adulting is hard. I want to go back so bad.
Felicity Smoak Apr 2015
There's something so powerful
about looking up at the night sky
and knowing that all the mistakes you made today and yesterday are gone.

At the end of the day
you are still
a galaxy
a galaxy.

You think your mistakes are big, but they are so so small.
Felicity Smoak Jan 2015
All I want is for someone to
watch over me while I sleep,
hold me when I cry,
love me when I ask,
And hurt me never.

I'm so pathetic. I just want someone in bee with me right now.
Felicity Smoak May 2018
I miss you
and not even in the way that I should
not even in the way that you've been away from me
not even in the way that we've been apart.

you've been right next to me.
but I'm all alone.
I spent all day with you,
but I spent all day alone.

I just wish you spent more time with me. you spend all your time on your phone and then claim you love me. I don't understand. am I not enough?
Felicity Smoak Nov 2014
I wish I could go back.
Back to the days of my family.
Back to the days of my friends.
Back to the days of my pinky promises.
Back to the days of feeling important.
Back to the days of my sober father.
Back to the days of my caring mother.
I wish I could go back.

I take it all back.
All the times I wished I'd had better.
All the times I lied.
All the times I broke my promises.
All the times I tried to prove I wasn't worth it.
All the times I was too much for you to handle.
All the times I told you I didn't care.
I take it all back.

I regret it.
Regret that I stayed away from home.
Regret that I betrayed you.
Regret that I couldn't fix the things I broke.
Regret that I acted arrogant.
Regret that I was a handful.
Regret that I hurt you.
I regret it.

I love you more than anything, "Daddy". I just wish you'd stuck around.
Mom, you mean the world to me. I love you. Thank you for sticking around.

Please forgive me.
Forgive me for wishing for better.
Forgive me for lying.
Forgive me for breaking all my promises.
Forgive me for being worthless.
Forgive me for being a burden.
Forgive me for betraying you.
Forgive me for hurting you.
Forgive me for breathing.
Please forgive me.

I just want my family back... That's all.
Felicity Smoak Feb 2015
father: n. a man who gives care and protection to someone or something.

The last time I saw you, really saw you,
You told me you loved me.
But you didn't mean it.
At least not like you used to. Like you used to pretend to.
Before your other two kids were born.

I guess I must have been a mistake.
An unplanned middle child.
One that you didn't want.
I came after your first, before your third and fourth.
I am my least favourite number.
Is that why it took you two years to say "I love you"?

I can not even remember how those words sound when crafted in your voice.
Unless they were hiding tension.
Or guilt.
Or obligation.
I never heard them for what they mean.
Your excuse was always:
Mom was watching, and you needed to look like a man.
The police guards were watching, and you needed to look like a man.
Your fellow inmates were watching, and you needed to look like a man.
Your other women were watching, and you needed to look like a man.
Your job wasn't to look like a man.
It wasn't to be a man.
It wasn't to sound like a man, think like a man, portray a man.
Your job was to be a father, to love me and make it known that I am your daughter and you are proud of me, even if you never show it. Or even say it.

I expected that from you. I expected you to know I was going to one day become something you were proud of, something you could say to make people think differently about you, because you raised  me to your standards and look how I came out. I expected you to show me what it's like to have a life, I expected you to teach me how to drive, I expected you to help me with homework, and pick me up from school, and
I expected you to care about who I am as a person, because I am your daughter.

Instead, you taught me that when I'm angry, upset, frustrated, confused, stressed, unhappy, depressed, content, or feeling any emotion whatsoever, I should run to alcohol and drink until I can feel nothing.

Instead, you taught me that you didn't care if I carved words into my skin, as long as I wasn't hurting anyone else I was fine and even if I did commit suicide it would be selfish and I shouldn't be scared of the demons in my head because they can't hurt me, they're trapped inside and they have no way to break the walls and besides being scared of yourself makes you a coward and a ***** and that's ridiculous.

Instead, you taught me that crying never gets me anywhere and if I wanted something I should just take it because no one will ever know it was me and no one will ever suspect a blonde girl in a dress to steal from a shop and as long as I look as innocent as I can then I can get whatever I need without ever paying for it because I can pay with my innocence.

Instead, you taught me that when you are drinking is the only time you will ever be proud of me for the one line in the play I landed and that even though you were never there to see it you knew I did good because I'm your daughter but even though I messed up because I looked into the crowd to find your face and forgot my line when I saw my mother with an empty seat beside her, I am still part of your family and we are good at saying things we don't mean and leaving.

Instead, you taught me that my sister will always be better than me and there is nothing I do to compete because even if I was stronger than her I would always be too small to fight her even if it was for self defense and if I try it and end up with a black eye it was my fault because I was warned of the cyclone of rage that lived within her chest and I should have known I did not stand a chance against her for she is better than me in every way.

Instead, you taught me that spending a day out in the sun working on your truck and sweating all over the ground and accidentally spilling your beer all over you which made the grass stick to you which you hated because you hate grass was better than spending a day with me inside watching movies and eating ice cream in the air conditioning with the dogs laying on my lap and cuddling with me because they know that if they did not do so I would be alone.

Instead, you taught me that I was worthless and didn't deserve love because who could ever love someone with a body full of scars and stretchmarks make you ugly because you were not born with those lines on your body, they got there because you put them there, you wanted them there so you can suffer the consequences of your own actions.

I taught myself what it's meant to be alive. I taught myself how to drive. When I didn't know how to do my homework, I didn't do it. I ride the bus home from school because no one cares enough to come pick me up and

I am the only one who cares about who I am as a person because I was taught at an early age that I am the only one I can rely on.

Where were you when I wanted you to come see the plays I was in?
Absent. "I don't like plays."
What about the guard shows?
Absent. "I don't like guard shows."
What about my marching shows?
Absent. "I don't like marching bands."

All of this is sickening.
The most sickening of all,
Is knowing that you expect me to love you even after all the **** you put me through,
like nothing

But it did.
And every time I look at you,
I see hurt
why have you made it a habit to prove to me how much you *hate

You're supposed to be my father,
but you don't fit the definition.

I hope one day you see this and cry yourself to sleep like I did for many nights after you left and came back and left and came back. I hope you hate yourself and burn in hell for what you have done to me. I'm 16, I shouldn't have this much baggage and regret. Thanks though, I'm a much better person than you'll ever be.
Felicity Smoak Jan 2015
In the morning I set sail
for New York.

You believe I can't sink.
You believe I can't fail.
You believe I will be the
greatest ship
in the world.

When really,
I'm just the
greatest shipwreck
to ever exist.

Wow this is really awful. I'm trying so hard to get these feelings out. I'm so scared for tomorrow and I feel like I'll be alone all day. I don't know how it will go but I'm hoping I make it.

— The End —