At night, I'm afraid to dream
of warmth and nostalgia and light;
fleeting moments of joy you brought into my life. Only to wake up knowing it was a memory; that my walls are no longer kissed with golden sunshine, that my days no longer consist of your sweet messages of love and empathy and hope.
At day, I am numb and fixated on your death. I bargain reality; dozing off, speculating scenarios of what could've been. My despair like a whirlpool of devastation; of loving thoughts and regret that I'm clawing to get out of only to sink deeper and deeper. I am trapped in a constant cycle of overwhelming sadness and feeling nothing at all.
At all times, I miss you, loved one.
I miss you as the sun misses blue skies at night and the moon misses stars at day. My soul searches for yours through my memories and passing thoughts. But your presence has left me in this lonely world, and I ache for the time we are finally united again.
I mourn you, I pray for you.
I promise you
With all that I am, I love you.
I love you, Auntie. I'm sorry. There are so many things I regret not saying to you before you left us. May you rest in paradise.
still regret how I treated you
all those years ago
the love you've shown me
throughout the many years
through our ups and downs
laughs and cries
I can't help but miss you
I don't want to say goodbye
I'm sorry, Auntie. I miss you so much.
I wish I were dead.
But not really dead, just unfeeling.
Unfeeling of pain, unfeeling of love,
unfeeling of all of the above.
But I resist everday
and stay alive.
Hoping and praying
I'll stop feeling dead inside.
I'm tryna fight my depression but DAMNNN DEPRESSION GOT HANDS
You surround me like an open sea
I'm barely alive above the water
but I know I'll be sinking soon
engulfed and swallowed whole
by Your merciless waves
but I'll emerge damp and breathing
waiting to sink again
harrowing wails awaken my bones
it is the Call of Mourning
farewell to the flesh and blood i once was
the core of my being answers to a new melody
As we enter the new year, I think of how people want to reinvent themselves or just become better versions of themselves. When it comes to someone looking to make a big change for the better, like someone whose done bad or just feels rotten all over, I think of it like how someone starting from scratch. Not just shedding their skin but stripping all the undesired, poisonous, rotten parts of themselves which can be hard and painful. But in the end you have the core, somewhere to start anew.
I also think of how trying to be a a better person is kinda like abandoning one tune that led you down a dark path and how answering a new one might sound so foreign to someone but it marks the end of one song and the beginning of another, better tune
What will release us from our own mortal folly?
a burn across our stricken cheek?
a sorrowful departure?
a gentle kiss?
Sorry my stuff's been pretty drab lately. I've been having a rough year but I really look forward to writing more wholesome pieces.