you are
a curse
the source of all pain
the root of all suffering
the end of all beginning

you are
what causes
my heart to bleed
my happiness to recede
havoc to wreak

you are
what brings
death to life
darkness to light
disdain to love

you are
what feeds
the fire of my desire
the burn of my wounds
the anxiety of my soul

you are
the Devil's *****
the Reaper's *****
the Satan's ****

you are
malice in ones heart
intoxicant between ones lips
narcissist stuck between two selves
hell between me & heaven
abuse I could never endure

I want to ruin you
the way you ruined me
and you know I can
and you know I could
and you know I won't
and you know I didn't

I want to ruin you
because you ruined me
you took away my happiness
my reason to smile
you took away my soul
like the angel of death

you ruined my love
because I gave it all to you
and now I hate love
as much as I hate you
I don't trust love
just like I don't trust you

you ruined my heart
you broke it into pieces
and stepped on every piece
crushing every hope
I ever had
to be whole again

you ruined my life
by stepping into it
and then leaving
and then running back
only to walk away
slower

you ruined me
conquering my mind, body & soul
so much that
your happiness and sadness
became mine
but my inside went numb

you ruined me
worse than
he ruined you

I want to ruin you
but I don't have it
in me
to be as selfish
as heartless
as you

So here you are again
at the footsteps of the walls
I’ve rebuilt over
and over again
asking me to let you in.

I know
this is not the first time
that you’ve returned from your
wars with the world.
You are wounded and weary
Your eyes look so dead
I can see the graveyard behind them

You've lost so much, my love.
including yourself.

and you know,
if you would just let me
I would tuck all those bombs away,
Throw them to the skies
and let them light up our lives
instead of them
burning and bruising our bodies

but you won't give up arms

yes, you're reaching out
but you won't let me hold your hand

So we both know
this wouldn’t end well
my bones are still shaking
from all the trauma you’ve caused

my love, please understand
my heart is not a church.
You cannot just return when you feel like it
and pray for me to forgive your sins.
I am not a god.
I am only human.
And there is a limit to how much hurt I can take.

Do you think your “sorry’s” are enough
to sew these spaces you’ve sown in my soul?
Don't you know how hard it is to keep living
when all you've been doing
is leaving me behind?

I still love you.
I think I always will.
But please don’t think
I can keep on breaking myself
just to keep you whole.

you'll find someone
but none like me
you'll try to find my love
and you'll look into his eyes
and only remember the way
I looked at you
with so much more than 'love'
with passion, desire & pride
you'll feel his heart beat in his chest
and maybe you'll feel safe
but you won't feel home
you'll long for the way
I kissed you
and how I never bored you
of life
and
of us
every time he calls your name
you'll hear my voice in the background
but you won't see me

you'll find men
ready to undress you
but how many will
put clothes back on your body
when they are done

you'll find men
who want to touch your skin
for their pleasure
but none will ever
want your soul

you'll find someone to love you
but honey
no one
NO ONE
N O  O N E
can love you half the way I did

you'll hear his heart beat
but you won't hear the two syllables
of your name engraved
in the rhythm of those beats
the way my heart's purpose
was to love you with
every breath of life

you'll put your head on his chest
but you won't hear your name
and darling
that's when you'll realize
what you've lost

I’ll be your April if you’ll be my May
Where I end you begin

This spring will wipe out all winter rot
And maybe we can start again