I wonder who keeps you up at night?







Certainly not me.
Not anymore.

The sun came up
I came to
you looked at me
I couldn't look at you
you drove me home
we said goodbye
I went inside
tried not to cry
I checked my phone
no text, no call
my eyes got wet
I let them fall
tears began to pour
I could feel my heart break
I cried on the floor
til it turned into a lake
I went for a swim
had a bottle of wine
your life went on
and so did mine.


*s.mndi

It's like right from wrong becomes irrelevant when it comes down to the person you love. You know you're not being treated how u should but you ignore it, due to pure fear of loosing them or simply not having them. I know I should be number 1 but I'm accommodating to less than that because of love? Is it love? Or is it the desire of something forbidden.
This pain is paralyzing.
I need her.  
I want her.
If I think about how her arms,
How her body completely held mine I can still feel it.
I can still smell her scent.
I cry. The exact same tears I shed as she held me.
Emotional overwhelment.
difference is, I'm actually alone.
She's not holding me anymore.
She has her own person. So she can survive without me.
I was just a distraction.
Yet she still acts and Perseus and brainwashes me as if I were superior to her number 1.
It's all so messed up, it's all so degrading, and simply wrong,
And I am choosing to ignore it.
Which is also wrong.
But how could I not talk to her? How could I cut her out when she's crawled in so deep.
I need to get her out. And keep her out.
I am not the other woman.  
I have my flaws. But my potential is not of thee to be in this position.
So I scream
"**** her I don't need her I can do this"

In hopes of one day believing it.
Maybe one day her voice won't make me melt.
Maybe one day this will all just be a memory just as every other person, who has come into my world and left with pieces leaving me with less of myself.
Maybe.

Sleep doesn't come anymore
It never visits
I have to fight for it
Night after night
Like a parent who is losing their custodial rights
Sleep, you were my escape
I loved you and you left
How could you?
I was faithful, always
Except for those few nights when life was too good to sleep
But those don't come anymore
Now I live to sleep
I yearn for the darkness to take over my mind
To quiet the thoughts that churn all day long
To mend  everything that I have done wrong
Like all my other friends,
You left
You left me alone
And awake
And now I don't have the chance to dream,
Of better things
Or how it used to be
Because I loved how it used to be
When I went to sleep happy
And excited to start my next day
Now sleep, I greet you with a heavy heart
Always hoping that a better day will come after the dark

Others, want you.
I can easily tell.
They give themselves away.
Just by the things they do.
And the things they say.

It might be in a whisper.
It might be in an innocent gift.
Just believe me others want you.

It's a compliment to me.
Which makes me so happy.