i want to disappear
from this world,
this planet because
i can not be reminded
of you, anymore.
all this reminiscing and
memories are just too much
for my empty soul.
i ignore you and try
to forget you,
but it's impossible.
i want to avoid you,
and maybe i am succeeding
at it,
but i also want to find you
because you seem to
disappear lately, too.
all i need is closure,
because without it
i cannot move on,
and maybe,
i do not want to,
maybe i want to
love you until
the end of time,
but i also want to
forget you and
escape the spell you
had cast on me.
i don't want you
to invade my thoughts,
anymore.

I have always loved you.

I imagine us 30 years down the road.
I am massaging your shoulders,
relieving knots.
Life gets me in knots too.

I've put the kettle on
I have my own key now so I come and go as I please
like the old friend I've become.
I feed your cat when you go away at weekends.

Smelling your pillow
Remembering you at 40.
Your dressing table
as I pictured it.

I have my own family now
but I met you 10 years before I met my wife.
I rode the wave of your smile,
came crashing down
the day you announced you'd met someone,
holding out for the real thing.

For; I was just a boy,
what could I deliver apart from newspapers
and the odd dodgy innuendos? you laughed at
tossing your hair.
Humouring me
but,
Never letting on that you cared.

I slip away every second night
when the second hand rests between the 8 and the 9
and it is quarter to 10.
I am on my way to see you.
We play cards and toast a drink into midnight.
Sometimes I reach for your delicately aged hand
twiddling with your rings,
knowing mine would have been the sparkly one.
But not a patch on you.

We lock eyes for around a minute,
My throat is dry.
Telepathically I tell you
I have always loved you.
Whether you are 45 or 75
I will always love you.

Every thought I have is fuelled by you.
You're my sun during the day.
My moon at night.
And neither could exist without the other.
Just like us.
And I love you.
I hate to admit it and so I don't.
But I need you.
And you are the night sky and I am the stars.
And I can't shine without you.
You complete me.
You are me.
And I am you.
We are one.
If I could steal a star from the sky for you I would.
And you make me feel so high I can almost reach.
But I'd rather be back down on earth with you.
The beat of my heart intensified by my feelings of love for you.
So much love for you.
Adoration.
I'm in awe every time I see you.
And this love will never fade.
Because when a writer falls in love, that story never dies.
I skipped so many parts of your story and I missed you.
I missed us.
I can read you like a book that I want to rewrite with me on every page.
And I know I make you feel like the villain sometimes.
I expect the worst.
I'm afraid to lose you again.
I hope for the best.
But life has a habit of getting worse before it gets better.
Getting harder.
Hold on for me.
We can write our happy ending together.
And you can fall asleep in my arms each night to the sound of the poetry that my love for you has created.
I was made for you.
And you fit me better than anything that was made to measure.
Your hand fits in mine like the piece of my heart that I gave to you used to fit inside my body.
The part I watched you walk away with.
But you came right back.
And you can keep it.
Take it all.
For as long as I can keep you and beyond. My heart is yours.