I have been given the boon of freedom
My feet were kicking placed
upon a journey
to discover the exhilarating arctic air
upon the mountain named Independence
It wasn't my idea
to forsake the traditions of my mothers
who each built homes and took the names of men in their youth
whose strength lay in raising strong
children and learning how to be formidably equal partners
It was not my first choice
me, who had from almost infanthood
idolized love
and longed to be rescued by a darling prince
I think perhaps I was my lineage's silliest daughter
my flights of fancy almost ruined me
the cliffs of my foothills more dangerous than the peak
I now eagerly climb toward
For now I see that glittering helm
that sun graced pyramid
that promises the reward
that self-love brings
Peace
the complete rest of contentment
the gift of eternal passion
that can never be stolen
or caused to be ****** inside a desperate pairing
There is no need for a marriage of convenience
Nor a tryst of loneliness
No shackles formed from crippling self-consciousness
But only deep, thrilling, ice-cold self-acceptance
I AM whole

the fire of life
crackles ever fiercely
But hope snuggles in next to me
as I finally let my walls burn
hope is the only barrier I need
between me and life's flames
She's warm and smells like Christmas

Something good is coming
Something good is coming
Hope whispers to me
Though my strength lies down to sleep
It has not been plundered
My bright future Love keeps
Safe for me
Though my strength lays down to sleep
It will rise up in Joy
my eyes upon the East
as the sun braves the sky

When the leaves turn gold
I stand in joyous awe

When branches become bald
dread creeps in to the raven's caw

I feel the Red Oak's scarlet kiss
turn like death upon my lips

When every year my confidence slips
that I will see bright life in this
Remind me that green comes back
That verdant veins will run wild again
the dry earth will not crumble away
before spring rains sweep in to quench the brown decay

It comes back
Life always comes back

all that becomes old
will be restored
will be renewed

Like swimming in cold water
I am shocked back in my skin
Pure sensation pulses fiercely
and I know that I can win

Freedom spills into old scars
as I lose my fear of sin
For the first time hope comes swiftly
and whispers “now begin”

The chill that deters others
heart sparks my Phoenix anew
and I emerge from frothy depths
glowing peace like drops of dew

I’m old enough now to see
that the only thing
ever holding me back
was me
No one blocks me from the sunset
no one keeps me from it’s rising
So now I’m riding
through my open country

Your laugh lines
leave imprints in my heart
like the feet of birds on the sand
washed away with the next wave

I want you to hurt me
accidentally
somehow twist the wrong words just right
or clumsily elbow my nose
I want you to see my red and tears run down
I want you to see me grin in the pain
I want you to see me heal
I want you to watch how quickly my skin grows back
I want you to know I will forgive you
So you don’t live in fear of hurting me

You do not let a single day of mine fall
nor a word from my mouth
Somehow
You hold them up
In your hands they become like crystals
and form a long, beautiful line
A long, sparkling line of life
Nothing dull or dark is found within

Though I hear of distress and riots
and I listen to fights everyday
Though I see fire set upon the cities
And hear angry voices yelling
I will find the strength to have patience in anxiety
Though my jaw aches from grinding my teeth
And I toss and turn on my bed
Though I have tears for breakfast
and tears with Tylenol for dinner
Though I am separated from my friends
And cut off from my family
Though I have little work
and no serenity and rest when my hands are still
I will find my Lover and in him Happiness
He who saves me is at my side
with him I outrun all my demons
and rise up to see the Angels

This new sword
so awkward in my grip
I start to fumble and blister
Fear rises
My brows tightened
My teeth draw blood from my own lips
Until I remember
the same old shield
still at my side
Covers me always

I’ve been waiting
waiting for words to appear
in front of my eyes
like that invisible milk ink
trope
secret messages appearing over fire
for our victorious protagonist to read
But no words come
to describe how I imagine myself kissing
You
I’ve never felt so empty of emotional vocabulary
I don’t know if I’m just lonely
Just if
I’ve always been lonely
I don’t know if I’m finally
too old for such affected flights
of fancies
with strangers
my mind has picked up ostrich feathers as if they were diamond chandeliers
Too quick to hang them in the Hall and worship silly feathers
I swore I shouldn’t fall in love again
To love again
would destroy my weakened mind and body
I breathe in shaky breaths and hear you speaking rationally
between friends
I’m just a lonely lover
Too tired to be anything more
than one bright star
in the short hours before you see your dawn

At 10pm
my heart begins to beat
like the wings of a bird
in a cage
without peace
The unresolved energy
of unheeded emotions
runs through my veins
And I rifle through apps
faster and faster
as the little bird *****
Until I stop
and let all the sticking moments
be seen and recognized
taken out into the light
and purified
The golden key
winks at me
laughing at my old forgetfulness
as I set my beating bird free

If you think I’m on fire
don’t worry
The good will stay
Only the bad is burned away

oh, observe!
How the greatest hindrances of Love
are yet it’s greatest spotlights
A wall of resistance
must in the end be consumed in flames
And like giant ***** of gas mysteriously ignite
to become our stars
Roaring walls become lights along the path of our journey
Inward and Outward

I long to tell you
                   to get over yourself
                       Come love me
                run your tongue around
                             my lips
                 the only poison within
              is your own sticky hatred
               for your own sticky soul
              Your mind slowly lifts out
                 of darkness long laid
      the romanticism of your own faults
                      leave them now
                      And come to me

I want to know
where your mind falls
when it’s heavy
I want too see what ledges your heart
meets in anxiety
I want to know what draws your idle fingers
and see the devils that play your organs
when you haven’t slept all night
I want to be there
to watch you struggle
until you willingly wade
into my deep acceptance
For Love is a window of ever clear glass
the more pure the love, the more honest the view.

Is a dream, a real dream
A good dream
if it doesn’t make you shiver
if it doesn’t make you shake
if it doesn’t make
you sure you’ll make mistake after mistake?
Is it ever really worth it?
If it doesn’t make you quake
infuse your mind with plans and worry
and at night keep you awake?
What’s the point of living
What’s the point of having smarts?
If it doesn’t make you work
with all your strength and arts
using everything from all your parts
until your straining chest feels like
you’ve been on the wrong side
in a game of deadly darts?

If all your courage it doesn’t take
In the end will you feel a fake?
Maybe you won’t
But I refuse in life to undertake
what I know could just be handed to me
on a plate
If I just wait

Confidence is the knife
that slowly slips between
curtains of black oblivion
to fling forth
into the world and light
Your great beauty
in Your time

Maybe I don’t know
like you do
how to tiptoe to the edge
barely getting in
barely feeling water on your feet
Maybe it’s because it scares me
I only know how to jump
All In
All In
I’m up to my waist
while you’re still at the shore
My legs feel like ice
but you’re walking away

Pushes back the heavy doors of isolation
And suddenly you’re surrounded by warm
sunlight
shining through an endless open room
filled with gauzy pastel rainbows
flowing down upon you
like the most delicate of curtains

I sprang from the mind of God
born into fullness
furnished with untarnishing bronze
and iron weapons

As the pools of knowledge deepen in the mind
the outward appearance falls away
the refreshing convergence
of all past, present and future
creates a calm today

in the end
it doesn’t matter
what the human body looks like underneath
in the end
it doesn’t matter
what the human body wore
the flimsiest of veils
or a walking edited wonder
it’s all but a soul’s projection
and eyes that see
see through everything
to gaze upon what they desire

Be a Voice, Not an Echo
plainly blazoned print on orange
and I see that my whole life
has been me gasping
through echoes
to find my own rasping throat
and finally produce
my own sound
for once
and begun
now in a never ending fight
to speak a different color
than the ones I’ve seen before

Of course I’m salty
I am the Ocean
Incarnate

You rise,
in delicate, undeniable beauty
come once,
you never return quite the same
Today like the coloring of a bruise
that was the pain of night
A symbol that all trauma fades
into strength and story

A son of God
I feel so stretched
Like gossamer cords my spirit is pulled
out as far as a galaxy
Image shakes
the shivers of foundations rising
against the scaffoldings of pain
marble white like fused tectonic plates
glistening from a sea of tears
“What a breathtaking Mausoleum”
I groan in faint and whisper in exhaustion
my fingers bleed from working chisel and axe
but my wrists are strong as ever
As rumbling echoes of thunder
Your chuckle reaches me
And stronger fingers lift my heart
and eyes
“Do not think of finished work,
don’t quell your growth with lies
So you say you wish to die?
For someone craving greatness
that’s strange to sadly sigh
Your life is far from over
not even yet begun
Don’t claim you’ve accomplished enough and with earthly ***** living done