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Empire Jun 2020
You know exactly what you’re doing
Not eating enough
Letting yourself stay hungry
It’s a punishment
Without scars
Without blood
But it hurts
And the more you do it
The more they’ll like you

I feel pretty when I’m hungry
Like maybe my stomach will begin to slim
Like I’m dainty and beautiful
Like maybe if I can keep it up long enough
Someone might want me
Empire Jun 2020
Unsettled
Heart, mind, body
All uneasy
All on edge

There’s something wrong
Something missing
There’s nothing there
This life is empty
And I don’t know how to fill it

Does my soul need to seek God more?
Is my medication making it worse?
...or do I need more of those **** pills?
Am I just lonely and bitter?
Am I too selfish?
Will it pass?
Will it fade?
Is everything really so dark?
Is hope really so gone?
Empire Jun 2020
I don’t want to be numb anymore
I don’t want to cry only when I think about how empty I am inside
I don’t want my wrists to burn
Begging for a cut to make me feel again
I want to care truly and deeply again
I want to feel my life
I want to feel alive

However

The medication keeps me sane
It keeps me able to eat
More than a few tortillas a day
I don’t dissociate and panic
Because my homework is stressful
I can make it through my days
Because I take that pill
The lowest dosage I could convince my doctor to offer
It’s keeping me alive

I think
  Jun 2020 Empire
Cassy
I know that sometimes you feel a loss when you remember the salience of your bones when your skin was as thin as paper and you even struggled to drop on a chair.
And I know that from time to time you suffer from the absence of those days when you could look at a filled plate without touching it and call this effort a meal.
And I know you often think about those afternoons when you looked so dead that you held the secret hope that someone would come to resurrect you.

But the truth is, you seem to have forgotten the days when the bruises on your skin scared you and the days when you wiped your ****** mouth wondering if you were really becoming more beautiful. Those days when you were so cold that you couldn't touch anyone without startling them and those days when you couldn't stand up without seeing a multitude of spirals swallowing the world before your eyes.

The truth is, you forget that no one came to save you.

And I realize that sometimes it's still hard and that you’re still fighting, but I can not help but notice that bright glow back in your eyes and how your gestures are firm and your cheeks colored by life. And even if you break so often that you wonder why you should bother to keep rebuilding yourself , let me tell you that putting the pieces together is much more beautiful than the mere thought of you drowning yourself in a flood of alienating negativity once again.
Empire Jun 2020
She’s afraid of progress
Will it mean she forgets?
Abandoning the part of her who suffered?
She wants to hold her close
Embraced in healing, love, growth
But for that part of herself
It’s still happening
She’s still suffering
She’s still struggling
And the tighter she’s held by safety
The louder she screams that she’s not safe
Empire Jun 2020
I’m so ******* sick of all this *******
It’s exhausting
I’m tired of it!
I’m not your possession
I’m not your slave
Your subordinate
Your minion
Your tool
Your punching bag
Your therapy

I am an adult human being
I’m a person
I’m your ******* daughter
To Mom xo
Empire Jun 2020
tw suicidal ideation




It’s comforting
So familiar
Safe even...
A warm, soft thought
That it’s still there for me
I still have that choice
The option of an end
An escape
My death
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