all the pills I took
make my thoughts blur,
mind is fuzzy.

i can barely stand,
the world is like
a rocking ship.

swaying back and forth
as the sea tosses me
between the waves.

is my head still between my shoulders?
patting where it should be
all I feel is air.

where has my mind gone?
to the clouds
far from ground.

i lost it
i don’t know
where I could be.

Goodbyes often feel like reaching the last page of the book and you don't know if you should finish it or leave it unfinished.

You see, leaving is the hardest ******* thing to do, until you leave. So, here's my step by step guide to say goodbye:

Step 1: When she reaches for your lungs to breathe the air you've been breathing, hold her hands and keep them on the bed of roses you've been holding by the thorns and tell her, fall has arrived.

Step 2: When she runs her fingers through your hair and reaches for your lips, stop her and show her the stubbed cigarette buds on your chest that have turned your body into smoke and tell her, you are tired of being held captive between her fingers and lips.

Step 3: When she rests her head on your lap and looks at you with hope, close her eyes and show her the cots that are testament to the dreams you weaved for each other and tell her, you don't want to dream again.

Step 4: When she makes your arm the pillow of her bed, show her the sunflower seeds you painted on your skin that blossom everytime they see her face and tell her, the sun doesn't shine the way it used to.

Step 5: When she takes your hand in her hands and brews tea in the same *** that you built as a testament to your love, show her the letters you wrote on your skin and tell her, they speak freedom.

Step 6: And after you do as I said, remember to kiss her forehead, bid her goodbye, and tell her, it was worth loving her.

I wonder if you ever forget about me
momentarily,  summarily I
don't have the words to tell you what I mean
and I feel as if it'd be worthless to try.
That thing pops into my head the moment I wake,
I won't take up your time telling you of
the time I slid my hand off the, earthquake,
even the most powerful one can not shake a dove
How easy it would be to rise above the skies,
to float above the common folk,
to not worry about your little lies,
to not resent you every time you spoke.

It's always better when you're lost in it.
Without the time to contemplate the loss of it.

i have to show the world that what you three did to me only scratched my surface,
only took off the shiny layer of myself that i had previously perfected for the eyes of society’s critical audience.
but you didn’t.
you’ve broken my soul
and torn my heart
and punctured my lungs
and i’m finding it harder to live and breathe every single day.
people think that the pain caused by an experience like this lives and dies in the moment that it happens,
but those people are sincerely wrong.
it's been three hundred and twenty-seven days since it happened,
since each of you violated me
and took advantage of me
and abused my right to consent.
but i bet you didn’t know that those days equate to seven thousand, eight hundred and forty-eight hours that it’s been on my mind
and i bet you didn’t know that the nightmare is now burned into my skin
and flowing through my blood
and coded into my dna.
the constant feeling that my body is no longer mine will not leave.
the feeling that i’m missing a part of myself is going to stick with me.
the feeling that my heart strings are severed,
that my lungs have burst,
that my legs can no longer carry the weight of my newly found burden
and that my life has been tainted by your evil touch
will never disperse.
these feelings cannot be brushed under a rug,
but i’ve got to appear like they can to the outside world.
do you know what else hurts?
what also hurts is that this trauma,
the same trauma that is making me want to end my life,
constantly hoping that the last of my heart strings will break so that my heart can plummet to the depths of my destroyed soul to lay with my sanity,
is being used to mock me.
as if my life could be forced into further submission without the teasing and bullying of my peers.
thank you,
to the three boys that took my innocence,
turned my meaning of the word ‘no’ into ‘yes’
and made my body into a lighthouse as a guide for the devil.
he’s found me.
you’ve broke me.
you win.

the mind that never sleeps

i hope there is a better remedy
better than those times i close my eyes and run away from the reality i am heading

i hope there is a better remedy
better than those moments we realize we aren't sane and know exactly what is the right way to go

yet my mind does not sleep
yet even if i close my eyes my minds can not stop revolving

lucky is the soul that able to sleep longer than what they actually need
lucky is the soul that prefers reality than to sleep

yet what about
the mind that never sleeps

I don't know how close i can get to you
Without wandering away from myself.

You see
You turn
You run
You hide

You wince
You wane
You cannot handle
Your own pain

In dreams
In desires
In hypnotic
Translucent fires

The answers to the truth
The reason to exist
But the anti- hero to another
Who shall forever resist

You cower
In fear
Of all
You hear

The neon night time beacons
Their white noise weakens
You break
You accept
But there was a point
You needed to reject

You see
You buy
You wonder why

Excruciating is the swim,
under the monotonous glim.
The walls, I wish to defy
and give what  it takes to satisfy
my dream of freedom
my freedom of dreams
taste the saline cream
for I am the turtle in the tank
aspiring to leap high
to swim across the ocean
under the mighty blue sky

Insipid is the strawberry
she feeds me with delight.
my heartbeat numbing down
succumbing to the blight
If only she could hear
my cry under the carapace,
I would take her to my abode
and bathe her in the sunlight.
for I am the turtle in the tank
breathing blood with every sigh
my scutes fading away
my wings are calcified.

She tells me matters of her heart,
and stories of her trend,
and at times she makes faces
that I fail to comprehend.
At times when she is gloomy,
she just stares me blatantly,
as if asking me to understand
for I am the turtle in the tank
and that is what I try
I sooth distressed hearts
and mine no one pry.