I’ve been starting to think that I can love you in your absence
And I’m worried that if you came back
Next week
Next year
Ten years from now
I’d still love you
And kiss goodbye to all I’ve held since you left
All that held me since you left
Just so I could hold you, feel you
Again

I suppose the day has finally come where I no longer write you
Where I no longer miss you cause
It was your birthday and I did not send you carrier pigeon love
I am done accepting love fleeting
I’ve learned that there is no wrong time with the right person
Which is not to say I don’t still try harder than I should
But you are no longer on the receiving end
I seldom think of you now
But I’ll always hope just a little that you still think of me

Every morning I make my bed
I roll off the mattress and immediately get to work
Straightening my blankets and folding them back
Plumping the spread with throw pillows that were gifted to me and don’t quite go together

But the morning after you leave I lay in the bed a little longer
Leave it messy and tangled even as I leave the house
I come home to a reminder of you being with me for one more night
Messy and tangled

I get into my unmade bed and remember how warm you made me feel
How I didn’t need the layers of blankets for heat and pressure cause
You were there with me
Messy and tangled
Havent we been here before

This morning I made my bed
The sheets were strewn across my room
Requiring a little more effort cause I had neglected them yesterday trying to keep a token of you being with me
I left this morning starting a new week with a made bed but
I want you to be with me
again
Messy and tangled

I wish I could say that I’d be the same woman I am today and maybe I don’t know who I’d be but
I know who I would not be
I’d stop loving the flat Stanley version of myself and start loving my full panoramic body,
my body 100% woman
I’d be less cool girl and more cool, girl
I’d stop my soul searching hands from picking my impurities off my face
I’d wear socks to bed and wear jackets that really keep me warm
I’d grin less and smile more
I would be radiant
But then again, how is that any different than I already am
Just a little less
Effort

There is power in knowing that I can disappear as quickly as I came
That I don’t need you need you  
There is power in holding interest cause I can lose it as fast as I found you
Being a magical woman means I can vanish before your eyes at the first sight of wavering
My body miraculous there is power in my smile

Self care looks a lot like getting dressed even if nobody will notice the difference
like taking up extra space
Like marveling at your hands for all they’ve held, for how they get red and stiff in January air