It's been about a year since I felt like this
My stomach trying to expel all the hurt
my brain is creating on its own

I should trust the words you tell me
on a standard Sunday
outside where you used to live

In that same spot I cried
over a girl whose face I never saw
but whose name still makes me cringe

You say her name now for the first time out loud
to prove to me you are not repeating history
yet I am not so sure

I do my best to laugh at the ulcer
I am forming
in the face of a little heartbreak

Instead I replay every moment
from the weekend before
that might make you flee

A vicious cycle of self-hatred
I cannot escape
no matter how tightly you hold me

He asked me to please not break your heart
and now he's tortured it
leaving you bruised and broken

I can fix it for a short time
with the warmth of my skin
and hearty advice that I cannot see
once it leaves my lips
and divides into four ears
that could benefit from listening

He asked me to please not break your heart
so I will not ask you to stay
when my own beating ***** is ready to explode

You are crushing me once more,
Weighing down on me so I cannot move.

Is it that I cannot? No, I can.
I am afraid to shift under you,
But what's the worst you could do?

**** me-
It would be less painful than the torture
You are currently inflicting.

I hope the next time
you feel beaten and broken
you remember the night
everything fell apart
and you could do nothing
to stop it
and you called me
afraid
in hopes I might fix it

Please don't lock yourself
inside your messy cave
and pull the blinds
to avoid the bright sun
as you sleep in past noon
something I've never known
you to do

Reach out and touch me
like that night we stood outside
in the misting rain, freezing
and exchanging puffs of air
filled with honest compliments
and your warm arms wrapped around me
as the sun started to rise

I'm not sure I can stop you
from running away
this time around
because my words will not speak over
the wounds being inflicted
by your careless friends

I would kiss the cuts
if you let me
but for now
all I can do is wait

They don't tell you
there will be days
when you won't feel enough
to muster up
even a few short thoughts
to turn into poetry

I've been at war for a long time now
with the girl inside of me

She's smart and witty
and skinny and beautiful
and compassionate and kind
and trapped in the depths
of my empty stomach
and super-glued heart
as if I accidentally stuck her
to one of the pieces
chipped away
by a boy who couldn't see her

Her outer shell is hard
and average-looking
with chunks of fat
in all the wrong places
and it repels sadness
and emits an uncaring aura
that no one wants to touch

That shell is bulletproof
in all places except for one
but this inner angel
is not quite skinny
or clever enough
to escape through the jagged edges
and paint her shell
with her favorite color

Maybe she's been locked inside
her black stone well
for so long
that she no longer
has the will
to try