i dont wanna lay in bed
but i cant seem to move my limbs

i feel bloated
i feel selfish

i just wanna lay here
maybe watch some tv

numbly watch the gorgeous
actresses and actors work

im just so tired
but i cant sleep

i wanna be free
but i dont know how anymore

Loneliness when you’re surrounded by people
But nobody understands you would be worse
Then if you were the only person left on earth

i posted a comment on a youtube video
it was a poem I thought that maybe 5 people would read

it got 3.5k likes...
i doubt it if i know 3,500 people by name in real life

3,500 people is a lot and it makes me happy to know
that they liked my thoughts and even commented!

i felt that they got to see a glimpse of the true me, and thats terrifying
if i only truly feel seen by people liking my poem online

Be a happy being
Do not be sad or lonely
Think I have a choice?

Because I do not
I wish I did because then
I wouldn’t be hurt

The sky turns dark

The wind blows
Shaking the leaves in the trees
Pulling them almost from their roots

The sky turns a grayish blue

Then the rain comes
Down, down, down
Like silky sheets upon a mattress

The storm is here

The dog in the cage
The puppy in the cage
Scared and scarred
Whimpering and bleeding
Wanting to run free
Exhausted
Collapsed on the wire
Shallow breathing
Eyes closing
Tail wagging as he sees a light
Tail stilling
Breathing ceasing
Lonely heart finally tranquil
Innocent, broken soul finally at rest
Because all dogs go to heaven

like the money you leave in your jeans
i am washed until i am no longer new
i am thin and easily breakable
yet when you find me,
you are delighted
because i stayed

but i just wish that next time i will completely dissolve
because you will forget me again
like the money in your jeans

sick
sick
sick

I feel it

drip
drip
dr
    i
    p

I feel it

on the back
of my throat

is there a cure?
or is this just how I am?

Do you ever feel like you’re the one
Who always starts the conversation?
Like you’re the one people only hang out with because they are bored?
Do you ever find yourself wondering what part you play in your favorite person’s life?
Do you ever wonder if you’re just a placeholder??

I do...
                                                                   I do...

<                              Friend                            (i)
———————————————————
   (Cool! I didn’t know)
   (that you wrote.        )
<(poetry!!!!!!                 )

                                               (Yea, you want)
                                                (to read some?)>

<(YES!!!)

sticky sticky
dripping honey

the words spill out
of your mouth so often

at first i felt
the butterflies

but now i feel
kinda sick inside

i dont know why
i dont like you less

i just feel like
im swimming

in sticky sticky
dripping honey

far too sweet
for a girl like me

build up the walls!
for love leaves ruins

i am a fallen angel

i no longer can fly
my wings reduced to brittle bone

i am burning and freezing
from fire and ice alike

my wings have been scorched by the flames of hate
my heart has been molded to cold solid stone

my head hurts from overthinking
my hands hurt from overdoing

i feel so lonely

i wish i knew if someone truly loved me
the people around me say they do
but its so easy to lie

i feel so broken

chaos fills my thoughts
and spills onto these keys

i feel so worthless

i feel so tired

i feel so sad

'its all inside your own head'
they say
then why do i feel
like the darkness
is surrounding me physically ?

i can't wait to die

i don't want to experience the nothingness
so i choose to believe
but its still scary....

what if, what if
there is nothing after this?
this droning toil ends
and there is nothing to look forward to

but what if, what if
i missed my chance
if there actually is something out there
yet i, a broken being,
am not good enough

i dont think i met the standard
i dont think i will ever get there

im only a fallen angel
why would anyone love me ?

im only a fallen angel
why do i deserve anything ?

I don’t want a relationship right now
Right?
I keep telling myself that
Because I’m tired
I have no energy to keep up with anyone other than myself
And even then it’s hard
I tell myself that i should wait
Because im moving away in two years,
And what’s the point in loving someone when you know you’re going to leave?
I tell myself
That I don’t even know what love is
And that much is true.

But I just wish I had someone
Pull me close when im sad
Hold my hand when im scared
and give me someone to love

I just want someone to share the simple joys of life with
To drive around town at midnight with
To sing off key without a care with
To snuggle up next to and look at the stars with

I tell myself I don’t want a relationship
Then I meet people
And make up our love story
And allow myself to live through it, if only in my head
I let myself love them
But it’s one sided, they never know
Then sadness overtakes me
Because I think I love them (but who am I to know what love is?)
I know a few people
Who might like me
But like isn’t love
And I dont know how to tell the difference

I just wish I knew
How to know a boy without inevitably obsessing over him
How to tell when a smile is special or not
How to tell if he likes me

I don’t want a relationship right now…
Right?

i woke up today
eager
ready to face the dawn

i was looking forward to things today
excited
then they got canceled

i told myself that id be fine
'okay'
and i tried to be productive

i took a bath and tried to relax
clean
but it backfired because i was left alone with my thoughts

(i ate a lot yesterday)
(does he like me?)
(am i annoying?)
(my stomach is too big, what am i going to do when summer comes?)
(what am i gonna do now?)

i got out of the tub
dripping
and i told myself that i am okay

(i lied)

i sat in the chair next to the christmas tree
silently
trying to think of something to do

i went outside and played basketball
"swish"
then i went inside

now im here sitting in the dark
typing
hoping someone else knows how i feel

(why do i feel so numb inside?)
(i want to cry but i can't)
(why is my stomach so empty but the thought of food disgusts me right now?)

i thought i was fine yesterday... but now im not
(spiraling...)
its no fun

She opens her eyes
She smiles and looks at the clock
Her left hand reaches out
It touches cold sheets

Her smile becomes frozen
Her hazy vision focuses
She sees the ceiling fan rotating
Round and round and round and round
The machinery never ceasing

She notices the sunbeams
Casting light into the room
She follows it’s rays
Onto the left side of the bed

The king sized bed
Sheets half made
One side warm
The other cold

Her fingers come tightly together
As she looks to her left
Her snowy hair delicately strewn

Her eyes well with tears
The silent streams blur her vision
She looks back at the ceiling fan
And blinks away the salty sadness

She lies for a moment
Watching the machine
Continue… going
Round and round and round and round

Gathering her strength
Then suddenly
She swings her legs over the side
And sits up in one fluid motion

She looks at her feet
Old and swollen

She directs her gaze upward
To the wall in front of her

A bookcase stands
Meeting a wall-bound case of trinkets
Pictures and models of memories sit
Carefully placed on the shelf

She stares at the collage of her life
Then at the blank wall behind it

She stares at the paint
It’s been there so long

She hears the whir of the fan
Going round and round and round

She feels the cold air being blown
Onto her thin, bony shoulders
She stares at the blank, white wall

She hears the clicking of her old dog
Trodding down the hall
As it comes to announce its needs

The dog comes in and sits at her feet
It looks expectantly at her
She doesn’t look at it
She looks at the wall

She stares and stares
Then looks at the clock once more
Only seven minutes have passed
But it feels like an eternity

The dog whines
And pushes its nose under her hand

She looks it in the eyes
She sees it’s pain
And she understands it

She stands to go let the dog out
Her bones creak to remind her:
She is old, and unlike the machinery in her ceiling
No oil can fix her pain
No nut and bolt can add to her purpose
No loosened screws can unload her sadness

Her pain is hers to bear
For she is an old woman
With a good life lived and loved

But now she tiredly watches time go by
Laying in bed, watching the ceiling fan spin

Waiting… dreading the day
She will no longer hear the clicking
Of her dog coming to greet her
With a wagging tail and cloudy eyes

Dreading the day that silence will reign
Except for the whir of the ceiling fan

Dreading the day she will be truly alone

sometimes a castle holds a damsel in distress
but this castle holds a fair maiden's heart.
its purpose is to guard it against
the foolishness and destruction of love
but castles are merely stone
and love seeps through the cracks

Let my thoughts pile up inside me
Let my emotions be suppressed
Let my mind be shielded
Let nothing penetrate me

When this is all to much
When I need a break
When I start to take off my shield
When I try and be normal

Then, just a word will make me cower
Then, just a thought will make me shrink
Then, from just a paper cut to the skin around my emotions
Then, flows the ink

That long silenced part of me
That part will write!
That part will write about all of the things
That have been stewing inside of me

Swipe

Swipe

I’m bored

Swipe

Swipe

Stuck

In a cycle

That I can’t

escape

Swipe

I’m programmed

Now To want

That instant

gratification

Swipe

That comes

From a

30 second clip

About nothing

In particular

Swipe

Swipe

Swipe

…
———
I miss the days when I would sit and play in the yard. I would make mud pies and cake and just be a curious, simple kid.

Nowadays, you look around at a restaurant, and the minute a kid says anything loudly or wiggles in their seat, the parents give them a tablet.

My kids are never having tablets.

To satiate ourselves, we’ve seemed to somewhere swipe away our simple senses.

We’ve forgotten what it’s like to be entertained by words on an unmoving, dull page.

We’ve forgotten what it’s like to sit and listen to the birds - or even to listen to a podcast or anything over 10 minutes.

Our lost city is our simplicity.

When will we dig it up again?

———

We’ve forgotten what it’s like to be bored.

And that’s dangerous.

Those that are easily bored are easily manipulated, because they’ll grasp onto anything that comes their way in a desperate attempt to escape from their inner silence.

People seated
Row by row
Packed in a tiny aircraft
Is this what it means to be gods?

We’ve tamed machines
And ridden them into the clouds

A woman sleeps
One man snores
Another works
Is this what it means to be majestic?

We hold all this power
Yet we sit in near silence

Anyone who came before
Would have seen this machine in the sky
And worshiped it as holy

But we reside inside
Trying to relax on rock hard cushions

We have tamed the skies and become riders of the sun
We have become warriors

Yet we sit
And snack
On little pretzels
Impatiently waiting
To be mere mortals again

Room, you’ve been good to me
You’ve sequestered me
You’ve kept me safe
You’ve given me a refuge
You’ve given me a space

Bed, you’ve been good to me
I’ve dreamt many dreams with you
I’ve spent restless nights here
I’ve drenched your sheets with tears
I’ve scrolled endlessly on instagram with you

Desk, you’ve been good to me
We’ve spent many an hour together
We’ve trudged through homework
We’ve enjoyed many movies
We’ve eaten many meals

Shelves, you’ve been good to me
You contain my many books
You hold stories that have shaped me
You carry the burden of all my trinkets
You stand, sturdy and useful

Room, again you’ve been good to me
Way too good to me
You’ve given me privacy, but
I’ve enjoyed your company
We’ve spent so much time together, I don’t know      
    how I’ll do without
You

were we meant to fit?

Summer has come
Staying home

Sleeping all day
Worries of grades fade away

Hanging around with friends
Hoping that it never ends

time feels like its going by so quickly and so slowly
seconds turn into minutes turn into hours turn into days turn into weeks turn into months turn into years

sometimes all i can feel are the seconds
sometimes all i want is the years

sometimes the weeks fly by
and the days pass by like a lazy bird slowly soaring in the sky

i wonder what a noose around my throat would feel like

i wonder what the pills in my mouth would taste like

i wonder what the razor against my skin would feel like

which one would hurt the least?
which one would be quickest?
which one would make it easier for those i’ll leave behind?

i wonder how long it would take for them to go through my things

i wonder how long they would cry for me

i wonder how long it would take for them to forget me

when will be long enough?
will it be years? weeks? days?
what amount of time will make it easier for those i’ll leave behind?

i wonder if my life will amount to something

i wonder if anyone will remember me as a stranger

i wonder if i have the courage to end myself

i guess we’ll find out

Is it really time?
The hourglass has runout
The container has cracked
The sand rushes out like waves
Only to settle for evermore

No waves will disturb
No wind will move
No feet will trod
On these pure white grains

Time and again
It rushed through the neck
Again, with time
It was turned

Yearly the civil war was fought
On who could get through quicker
But now the peace…
the silence reigns

Is this what we wanted?

No more shall we sit together
And watch the rushing sand
Contained within this precious glass

No more will we sit together
And share a meal
While the time runs out

The time has run out

We’ve put this broken hourglass
on the back of the shelf
Not wanting to throw it away
But not wanting to see it

The time has run out
And the time we’ll spend together
Is slipping through our fingers

Time is slipping
Like sand is slipping
Like life is slipping by

These rooms will miss our laughter, I hope
These beds will miss our warmth
These waves will miss our sunkissed bodies
This balcony will miss our wandering words

And I’ll be missing y’all

Our skin is growing wrinkled
The kids are growing old
The stars are shining brightly
The night has become cold

The sand sticks to everything
No matter how hard we try to keep it off
Like I hope our love sticks
No matter where we are

love is the pitter-patter of rain
on the old cracked concrete
worn from the feet that
walk upon it
love is the silence of the lightning
and the power of the thunder
the way that for just a moment
the world is silent and then
how the earth quakes!
love is the ferocity of a river
knowing that with every turn
you are closer to a waterfall
and the doom that accompanies you over the edge
love is the comfort of another being
because when simply near another you feel you're
not alone in the dreadful toil of life
that maybe, somehow, it was all worth it

Once upon a time
A star fell in love with a star
He could see the other in the distance
But they could never touch
They could only see the other’s light
The first star was not satisfied
He watched the other star from a distance
But he could not get any closer
Then he made a deal with the devil
for a chance to get closer
But he sold his warmth
He sold his own light
And became a planet
The star loved him more for this
But she still could not touch him

So she made a deal with the same devil
To give him some of her light and warmth
And a chance for them to get closer
But this deal came with a price
And the devil doesn’t play very nice
The planet was moved closer
But the devil placed a rock in between
Told them to keep it warm
The star shone bright on one side
The planet reflected the suns rays on the other
The planet was not as cold
But he was lonely
For he could see the sun
But she was just out of reach
And she could see him

The planet in between took pity on the lovers
And made them an offer
That if the once-star would become the planet’s slave
They’d someday have no responsibility
To the him and the beings on it
So He became a moon
Tied to the planet revolving his star
The moon would travel around the rock
To come between his love and his master
And he’d bask in her rays
And theyd be happy for just a moment in time
But eventually
The moon will be called back
To the lonely
Cold
Dark place behind his master
Where he can only catch a glimpse of his sun
Around the curves of a rock

She stood on a bridge. She stood on a roof. She stood on a star.
It didn’t really matter, because it was really all the same…
She stood at the end.

She looked at the sky, then she looked straight ahead. She looked all around, then she looked down.
She didn’t really care, because she was still very scared.
She saw waves, she saw cars, and she saw space.

She smelled the sickening stench of the demon on her shoulder.
She closed her eyes and inhaled again.
She smelled the sea, she smelled the city, and she smelled the angels’ breaths.

She listened to the wind, and to the sounds below.
She thought she heard the angels calling her
Among the waves, the cars, and the silence…

She had gathered her courage
She held it in her hand
She opened her eyes, and looked down

She felt the wind pushing her, the angels calling her, and the demons taunting her
Then she stepped down
Away from the bridge, the roof, and the star…

A poet is a castle
Having been built from stone
Seemingly impenetrable
With a moat around it’s walls

A poet builds these walls
To protect what’s within
The moat is filled with creatures
That will destroy whatever tries to come in

But castles are not perfect
The stone can crumble with age
The things within the castle will quarrel
The boiling *** will overflow

And when this happens
A poet writes about the anguish
That they have captured
The pain that they protect

They do not let anyone in their castle
Because they do not want them to get hurt
But castles, no matter how strong they seem,
In the end, will burn

Helping
Hands
Hurt from
Holding
Hurting people

My fingers are weak
From holding on to you
My arm has been held over this ledge
for way to long
My muscles are straining
They are about to break

Its crazy to think
that yesterday's tomorrow
is our now... today!

We will build our future
On the ashes of our father's work and love
On the ashes of our mother's sweat and tears
On the end of our childhood

We had our past
In the fields of innocence
In the safety of confinement
In the unawareness of youth

We live our present
With the knowledge of yesterday
With the joy of today
With the hope for tomorrow

I love myself
and those who love me
but I'm scared it won't last
and I'll find myself in that dark, horrible place again
I'm scared that everything
will disappear and I'll be left alone
>I'M SCARED THAT I WILL BE THE END OF IT<
yet even in the midst of the chaos
i find myself wondering, pondering
the choices, the sacrifices, and the pain
that made up my existence
the knowledge that i once was nothing
but two cells
and before that
mere atoms
                                                yet even then I
                                                       feel I would've known
that i could be loved
that i was loved
that i am loved
             that i will be loved

So I ask
          What is love?
Is it an emotion or more than that?
    Is it a force?
        Is it something we should praise?
            Is it something we should fear?
                Is it why we ARE?
                   Or is it the bane of our suffering?
Knowing that only with love will we be happy, we also know that really only without love can we be miserable.
And really only without the hope of love can we be terrified of        
                                                LIVING?

For it is love that holds us together
                                                        ­    and the lack of it
                                                              ­                         that rips us apart
                                                  It is love
                                                 That fuels
                                      Instinct, Passion, Desire
                                 And their brothers and sisters
                              Work, Selflessness, and Happiness
For even if it is only for ourselves,
                                      we all have love
we all feel its strings
we all long for it's call
------------------------------------------------------------­---------------------------------
                           We are terrified if it eludes us
                                             for we know
                                               that to live
                                             without love
                                                is to live
                                                without
    ­                                            meaning

Can I just leave?
Can I? Please?
I   Just Want   to GO ---->
I don’t know where,
I guess Anywhere, except here
I Just         Want to GO ---->
I could be a celebrity,
I could be a nobody, and not be me
Just    Let Me   be   FREE
Out of this broken family
I love being four of three, but I need to leave
Let   Me   Go And      Be ME

jump
i dont want you to
exist
breathing in this untainted air,
I want you to be
what they say
no matter what,

The Girl with Hair of Fire
Runs through the labyrinth of life
Her one desire,
To live in a world without strife

if we cant know pain
what makes our time
on this wonderful, desolate earth
worth it? what makes us
strive
to be better, to do better, to
LIVE
better? what makes us value the
beauty
amidst all the suffering?

Father
Teach me

Father
Reach me

Father
Don’t leave me

Father
Hear me!

Father
Hear me?

I’m seven again
Mom has left
It’s you and me

I’m eight again
I don’t understand
Was it me?

I’m nine again
Moms back in town
But you act like she’s not there

I’m ten again
Dad won’t you listen?
His breath smells funny

I’m eleven again
I thought you loved mom
Won’t you help her now?

I’m fifteen again
I’m screaming silently for attention
Why won’t you talk to me?

I’m seventeen again
You don’t seem to care
So I won’t care either

I’m eighteen again
He’s gone
You couldn’t protect him either

Father
You never left, but you did

Father
I don’t know how to talk to you

Father
Goodbye

i wonder how many people are crying right now...

i thought i knew what loneliness was
but i was so, so wrong

loneliness is when you are surrounded by people
but nobody knows that there is something going on

and nobody seems to care
because you are getting better at hiding whats happening