8/5/2021

I could do so many other things right now in this moment
The possibilities are truly endless
But I decided to feel
To feel my feelings because I can’t keep avoiding them
So, I took a breath
And silently let my warm tears
Run down my face and drip onto my crisscrossed legs
And I am trying my damnedest to find the positive in this moment
I’m trying my hardest to see the light
The reason
Because being alive is hard
Living in this flesh it hurts
But living without purpose is death
And I chose today to be alive
Because I decided to feel and understand
And find the hidden beauty in my temporary pain

8/24/20

I apologize to you without knowing my fault
Without the sense of you not wanting me to respond
I’m careless, persistent & overbearing
Because I decided to act impulsively on my feelings
It hurts
It hurts to know I’m not what you want
I’m not
You are everything I want
I didn’t know you weren’t ready to talk
I know too well what that means
You’re moving on without me
I won’t disturb you
Or try to touch your happiness anymore
I’ll vanish beautifully as you wish

1:39 a.m.

They say the ones that can not sleep at night is because someone has them on their mind
Maybe that explains why my eyes won’t sleep
Maybe there’s a reason why a sinking feeling seeps into my stomach when your face flashes in my head for a brief second
I can’t stomach it for too long
Or maybe it’s all just a lie
A lie to make people feel better when they have someone else on their minds
I wouldn’t know
I don’t care to anymore
I’m tired
Physically, emotionally & mentally drained
I deserve at least some decent shut eye since you have been away
Maybe it’s all my fault though
If that saying could be true
Maybe I’m the one keeping you up with my obsessive thoughts about you

5/18/20
I will vanish beautifully my love

5/17/20
You did not believe in a future I saw so clear that only existed of me and you
The walls of our world slowly slipped away and bared the ugly truth
Behind your intentions there were not true
Love is love but no one knows what it really was
Not you
Your love was not love and that’s okay
I am not angry with you
I can’t even be disappointed
Because what was there was there and now it’s gone
That’s the beauty of moving on
I can not stay in a place I do not belong
I will not stay in our universe I knew so well
You were not the person I thought you were
I never lied
I need you to know I never lied about how I felt but maybe that’s why I was here
To show you my kind of love is pure
Seasons are seasons and they eventually change
Spring turned into winter and I never knew when to leave
But now I know, I know now I have to go
Because I can not stay in a place I do not belong
Lessons, you were a lesson I’m still trying to learn
There was never a future you made me believe that now
But I wanted to believe it so bad
I wanted to believe
I wanted to believe
I wanted to believe
Please believe I wanted to believe
I am a broken person that only knows how to give love but I will not be her anymore
I want to be selfish and I deserve that more than you would ever know
But you don’t care anymore
You don’t care if I leave
I love you
I will continue too
I give love where it’s not due
Because that is who I am
I have to accept who I am
And what is not meant for me I can not hold onto
I’m done
Fighting for love
Fighting myself
Fighting you to love me and that’s not how it works
Be happy
Even though you killed me be happy and prosper
This will be my last time
No
This will be our last time
Because I can not stay where I have been and in due time it’ll be okay

5/14/20
As if it were yesterday
I could still smell the dawn’s blue soap filling my just woke nostrils
Seeing the sun shine spill through the over kitchen sink window
And there the bubbles floated and popped in mid air
It matched perfectly in this still moment
And I could tell you that today would be a good day
It was there my youth knew no boundaries
I’ve known no pain but opportunities
I grasped them from thin air and strung them together
One word at a time
One sentence after another
With my heart beating out of excitement
I smiled
Moments like these made anything in this world possible
I watched the weeping willow dance in the wind through that window
My youth was not wasted
Instead it was filled with wondrous wonders

5/9/20
7:54 am
And nothing else quite mattered
The universe around me didn’t exist
Not that it cared to know that I existed
And I realize I put my heart into treasures of the world
And that is what I could describe what love is to me
Because it’s hard to let go of words written so beautifully, I suppose
The scent of my hair filled the air as I took deep breaths to avoid the tears
With each rip of the brittle, old letter, I ripped matter apart, and ripped at the atoms of my heart
It fluttered symphonically below and returned back to dust just like us
There...
The earth still rotated in an universe that never knew we exist

3:08 a.m.
4/25/20
I’ve painted you in colors of the rainbow
It reflected every mood that you had put me in
I loved it
I was spiraling downwards on the color orange
It was getting too hot before it even started
That’s a hazard
And here I am again...
Coloring you in black and shades of grey
Because everything you have shown was in a haze
A void that’s refusing to give
You soaked up my white
There is bad intentions in your meanings behind your words
Not everyone’s intentions are pure
Yet, I thought you were different
But, I could count how many times I’ve etched that into a poem
So, they say the sky is blue and it cries sometimes
So, where do I go with this water color blue?
Who do I give it too?
Not you.
I know better now
Painting a picture mixed with red, blue and yellow turns out to be unappealing
It was never serious
This was never serious
You were never serious
But I was
All my shades of blues never counted
Thoroughly disappointed
I smeared the color red with my fingers
I bleed from the color of love
Of what I think love is
Oh how I give
Yellow was always suppose to be mines
It was the most beautiful like the sunshine
That is what I thought I meant in your life
Yet, when the colors of the rainbow mold into one
How did black come and tainted my work of art