Completely worthless.
wonder why you’re still here
How can you still be here when you have no purpose
Failing to please even yourself
every time.

Why
Why are you still here
You can’t find a reason to go on.
But you sit there and endure life anyway.

I kiss you and it seems like the stars shine for us and waves crash along the musky shores for us
But then I realize, the us that once sent my stomach in a frenzy of butterflies
is not the same.
And I find my self holding on to something that does not exist.
And I cry.
My tears are an ode to a person who I've loved so long but with every fiber of my being I know,no longer exists.
People change.
Your smile has changed.

We met at the wrong time,
at least that's what I keep telling myself.

Maybe,
Years from now,
We'll meet again, in some extraordinary way.
And love with be rekindled.
And your smile will be the same.
And I won't spend time wondering if you are my way of compensating with a love deficit.

                               ER.

It scares the **** out of me
Knowing that one day you'll be a teenager
Talking back to mom,
blasting music in your room,
Lying about grades,
stressing over college.


But promise me,
promise me you'll try to be nice to mommy.
At least nicer than I was.
She really means the best.


Promise,
that you'll be a good student,
don't leave things to the last minute.
Trust me I learned it the hard way.

Please baby,
be a good person.

Laughter,
is the best medicine for a broken heart.

Making you my pharmacist.
Laughter fighting pain.

You're different,
with your blonde hair
and blue eyes.

You're laughter isn't driven by lust

I think you might actually care.

Please me different.
Please be kind.
Never fragile or otherwise.

Please don't break me apart,
I can't live through another one of those.

When you've brushed your alcohol ridden teeth
When last nights lust has long gone
When the sun is awakened and you must face mornings strife

Will your kisses still be filled with passion
Or does the morning signal more than the nights lust
Does it awaken rebirth?
Does it mean that once you are rid of alcohol

You are rid of me?
                                                                                                                                            ER.

Everyday since our last you have been a constant reminder of my mistakes.

Dear boy with so much ahead,
I wish you would accept my apologies and take me with you

Dear boy with tanned skin,
You took my innocence and left me in the dark

Dear boy whose stopped loving me,
I wasn't able to save you not because I didn't want to, but I wasn't done saving myself

Dear boy who found love in someone else,
I want you to come back if something goes wrong
                                                           ­                               
                                                                ­                            I'm sorry

-E.R.

Your lips touching mine,
was a mistake.
Allowing myself to weep over something so trivial,
was a mistake.
Laying at night and wondering how long I'd live feeling this way,
was a mistake.
Loosing myself in order to find myself,
was a mistake.
But,
I will make better mistakes tomorrow.
          
             ER.

You described your love for me as scary
Something that woke up little children at night, whimpering to their mothers.

You describe my reaction to your saddest story as cold
Like a forest dead and quite in the winter

I left you alone in the cold dead forest, scared and lonely

I left you quietly in the dead of night

I send to you endless amounts of sorrys
I hope that they might come in handy in the dark

ER

As sure as day changes to night,
I understand.

We will soon forget the love shared
the midnight conversations
the 'good mornings'
the 'good nights'
the wasted 'I love you's'

And I will forget your crooked smile
And you will forget my lame attempts to get through a joke without laughing

Sure is what I am.

ER.

When he leaves
let him

and when he's gone
don't let your love dwindle

for no one can take away love

for all creeks empty into the ocean

My love is greater
it  is grand

My love out shines the stars;
they are terribly jealous, stars never seem to be kind

My love is deeper,
than all the oceans and seas combined

Your love,
is empty.

Your love,
is dim.

Your love does not,
out shine the stars.
Nor does it even compare to the depth of the oceans and seas.

It does not exist.

yet I want it so badly.

  ER.

I don't believe in God
and I don't believe in fate

But there was something special about the first time I saw you
Something that I couldn't and will never be able to explain

I feel you with every fiber of my being
I feel you in my hallowed bones

I had not known true warmth until I heard your voice

E.R.

Crying because a normal meal is placed in front of you.
Eat or you die.
Wanting to die
Wanting to feel deaths warm embrace.

Your body wants to live,
it wants to eat.
You want to eat but you’re terrified.
Terrified of being anything but empty.

But you need to
you need to eat.

Conversations
changed like tidal  waves
we entered thrilled and nervous
clenching new book bags
and praying freshman friday didn't exist

Now I enter
scared
clenching my hopes and dreams
weighing my gpa
and my options
praying I will be proven worthy of acceptance

Yet I can not shake the feeling
of not learning
who I was
who I am
or who I want to be

does my diploma fill
the absence of my growth

E.R.

When he tells you love isn't real

leave
run and don't look back

Miss Yon said,

        Relax and just let it all out,
         don't worry edit later.
         Become the words on the paper,
         and then it will be great.
        Miss Yon Said

The fall is thick but,
winter is thicker.
In those months of thickness,
in my house,
with blurry figures and smiling faces,
I blow on a cake with sixteen candles.
Yet I do not know where I am.
A gypsy of sorts.
A house is not necessarily always a home.
And my heat is lost to a room,
with nothing to hold in it.
Should my father's home be a more suitable location?
but she loves me
Should my mother’s home hold more warmth?
but he loves me
To some their homes are like the sun providing comfort and warmth.
But to others like me,
our home is but an iceberg,
melting.
m
   e
     l
       t
        i
          n
              g
gone.

You know it's not easy to read a compass lacking north.
Constantly wondering where you're headed
is not fun.
My best dish is logic,
served cold.
I wake up half dead,
or alive,
to things easily confused.
But being cold is bitter,
stiff,
I am unbreakable.
I am what I experience,
I am what I see,
I am who I speak to.
I am cold.
I am unsure.
To others who underestimate me,
I am ditsy,
I am just a blonde,
I am warm,
I am funny,
not smart.
not anything that could be valued.
not someone productive.
Identity is a crisis
and we are all in it.

This is my page for English H.

I asked my Momma
How do big girls kiss?
She said she didn't know

I asked my Momma
Why do big girls wear thongs?
She said she didn't know

I told my Momma
I'm going to be the first women astronaut president
She said of course you will baby

I asked my Momma
Why do big girls fight with their Mommas?
She said because they don't know better

Do I know better I asked my Momma
Of course you do baby she said

Now I know how big girls kiss
Now I know why we wear thongs
Now I know I won't be the first women president astronaut

Now I don't ask my mother questions

I am the big girl
I am that girl who fights with her momma

They say children of divorce
grow up emotionally divided

They say that a child of divorce struggles to understand love

My mother and father stopped loving each other on my 5th birthday
with Popsicle stained lips and bruised knees
I said goodbye to my father

Now 12 years later
I do not feel divided
I feel scared
I feel that love is a monster hiding in my closet
and there is no one here to tell me that monsters don't exist

E.R.

The sun kisses your shoulders
The warm sun endlessly embraces you

I send you endless apologies
And a never ending stream of "I love you's"

I can only hope you find someone
that truly loves your freckles
and your annoying crooked smile
and the way you constantly made me question my opinions

Because at the end of the day
I am no longer there to be held by the love of my life
and I can only wish you to understand why

E.R.

The thing is,
people change.

Every morning we awake to a new sky
Every day we are greeted by a new breeze

New.

Everyday you meet yourself again.
and again.

I met you again today.
You weren't the same.

Tall
Skinny
Lanky
Bags under your eyes.

You looked worn
not new.
Not like you've just met yourself.

You looked old
worn
dying

dead.



      ER.

Memories,
are confusing
are not kind
are fleeting.

Memories,
are painful.
I forgot your touch.
I forgot your kiss.
Your face.
Your smile.

Then I saw you.
Exchanged a knowing smile.

They all came back.
The good times.
The bad times.
The times when I thought I was completely in love.

in lust.

So when I say,
Memories are hard.

believe me.

                ER.

"be quiet
be polite
behave in public!
don't yell

get good grades

how come you never go out?
you go out way too much, focus on school"


never was a good soldier
never did  belong in a bungalo

I find you between the pages of textbooks
I see you in Christmas lights

My past and present is skewed
and I don't know if tomorrow is yesterday

3 bestfriends entered elementary school
with cherry ice pop stained lips
laughing all day, smiling all night
pictures taken by soccer moms

3 best friends entered middle school
with lip gloss painted lips
trying to impress the opposite ***, fake smiles all night
pictures taken by PTA mothers

3 girls entered high school
with smoke stained lips and cuts on their wrists
trying to keep alive, no smiles were shown
mamas no longer taken pictures

3 girls left for college
with alcohol stained breath, and a packed car
trying to find themselves
mamas no longer there

E.R.

I'm attached to those I do not know
faces I have yet to memorize
places I have yet to experience

I long things I do not know
objects I have never had
emotions I have only read about in books

Full of faces,places, and emotions
I have never seen

a small boat
in a dried up ocean

E.R.

I emptied my entire being into your soul
hoping to fill a part of you long left barren

I watered your mind with my tears
hoping to grow a garden

Yet when spring came along
and the flowers had bloomed
and your soul had blossomed

I was left
nothing more
than forgotten

You'll be gone,

2 hours,
your shadow will have subsided

2 minutes,
your imprint will have faded from my bed

10 seconds,
your coffee will be cold

5 seconds,
the dog will stop barking for you

2 months,
till you will be back

Forever,
until I stop missing you
    
  ER.

I want to give you every single broken part of me
not so you could place my broken pieces into place
but so you can see the scars on my rib cage and the ruins in my heart

I want to be intertwined, you within me
not to feel the momentary glimpse of heaven
but for us to envelope each others bodies
filling empty creases

I want to dissolve into your chest
not to rest my mind and forget the days strife
but to feel your heart beating on my mind
creating our own rhythm

I want to live under your bed sheets
not to hide from the world encompassing us
but to create our own kingdom
where our memories will live

I think we like the idea of love

Feverish kisses
long embraces
fingers down my spine
physical contact
emotional contact

But
no one ever tells you about the hurt
the long nights spent crying
the ache of nothingness
of knowing that you are nothing
with out them

That's all love is
an Idea
a fantasy
a fairy tale

Well there are no such things as fairy tales
no fantasy
no romance

There is not knight in shinning armor
No princess in a tower
No evil witch
No dragon

But
there is us
and you are not my knight in shinning armor
and I am not a princess in a tower
and she's not a witch
and he's not a dragon

No magic
No romance
*** does not entail an emotional connection

I'm sorry Baby
this is not
a kingdom far far away

Our paths have crossed
but not for long

for our time has not yet come

The oceans have converged between us
and I no longer remember your voice

but I know for certain

that we will meet again
under the hanging gardens
of Babylon

I'm sorry I'm not smart enough
I'm sorry I'm still in high school
I'm sorry I'm not pretty enough
I'm sorry I'm not 2 years older

But I cant change any of it

And
I'm sorry you can't accept me
I'm sorry your nose is crooked
I'm sorry you have a crooked smile
I'm sorry you lead me on
I'm sorry for hurting you last summer

But I love you

and
       I'm sorry
                         you don't feel the same

Numbers.
Dates.
That's all people are.

Births.
Deaths.

Expiration dates.

We all expire.
different dates.

deaths incommon.

Numbers
Figures
Equations

Expiration Date.

        ER.

He kissed me
You embraced me

He slithered his arm up my skirt
You asked if I was cold

His kiss was filled with passion
Your kiss was filled with hope

He poisoned my veins with lust
You fed me from the tree of knowledge

His scent was commercial
Your scent was raw; shocking me back to reality

I left him.
                  You left me.



ER.

He erased your imprints on my hips

He striped me of your embraces

He dug his knives into my skin
and uprooted the flowers you planted in my chest

He unearthed the love you left in bones

the garden of Eden

now the Sahara

E.R.

Fall to deeply

Fly to high

Search for answers in the wrong people

But there is something poetic in our strife
there is something so pure in feeling so deeply
that our love consumes our very being

E.R.

I'm and addict
A condition which can not be cured

Pain
Sadness
Self Hatred
are my drugs

But,
I have no reason to be sad
no reason to feel pain

I am not dying from hunger
I am not abused

There is no abuser
Because I take on that role

I thrive in pain

E.R.

Honestly
It's sad
That when we talk
It's about school
And when we fight
you blame me

Please mom
look at yourself

Before physco analyzing me

When he looks at you
with his big blue eyes
filled empty horizons

and tells you he is
sorry

leave

run

and don't come back

because a year later
he will put his hands on you once more

Two lives
can they co exist as one?

No.
What a silly question.

Two worlds
different in nature
in interaction
can
not.

Never.

And that's the truth
End of.
Nothing more
Nothing less

And the problem is
that you already no this.

Yet you still cannot let go of one
because you're afraid.

Afraid of
drugs
school
emotions

So instead of choosing one
you're up till 4 am
dealing with
a mind
a sick
brain
quite literally.

I set you free
Don't you realize that?
silly boy
stupid.

I released you from my grip
I let you experience your life to the fullest
I changed it for the better

What a tragedy it would've been
If I would've kept pretending
Lying
Playing make believe
Telling you that I love you as much as you loved me

Im sorry
You're broken

I'm sorry
I'm broken

I can't fix you
When there's no one to fix me.

I am not god fearing
I am not one to condemn others to hell
Nor flirt with angels

But
there's something about us
something that I cannot describe

Because
ever since the first night we've met

Fate is all I can think about

I'm afraid
of how it will be when you come back

I've glorified a relationship
which at one point I deserted

Yet I have idolized our time

and when You return
what if it's still the same

or even worse what if our roles have reversed

I hope that your deep eyes and crooked smile
have not been interrupted by our intermission

and I hope you wont let me down
again
like last December

I'm done waiting
All I seem to do is wait

Wait for the sun to rise;to set
Wait for the stars to shine
Wait for my grades to improve
Wait for my depression to release its grip on me

I'm stuck in life's waiting room

I will no longer wait for the sun to rise; to set
I will no longer wait for the stars to shine
I will no longer wait for my grades to improve
I will no longer wait for my depression to release its grip on me

And I will certainly not wait for the time to be right
as it seems to never be.

Instead I will make time right

And I will force my self to understand;
that in order to find my self I must fall
and hopefully if I have done something right
and have stopped waiting for something that no longer exists

You will catch me.

If you are unsure
set them free.

If you do not love
let go.

told over and over again.

I love you
do you love me?

No response
is that enough?

I am unsure
I am silly
I am young
I am dazed

Is that enough of an answer?

E.R.

The great thing about love is that you fall in and out of it
The high it gives you is unbeatable,
but one is unable to live on this constant high.

This is essentially at its core why love is so magical
A person can not live on this constant high because love is not constant
It has it’s days were you feel like nothing or no one can touch you
like you can sore next to the tallest buildings,
but love also brings the greatest sadness which even wars have been started over

In a nutshell, humans are in love with love
the feeling of being encased in something which contains no boundaries,
sparks something magical.

Driving around
Laughing
Smiling
Talking about the future
Eating
Breathing

It was perfect
the glimmer of your eyes
the way you asked if I was okay when I fell silent
the way we had a 20 minute discussion on christmas lights


It was all perfect

I'd like to think
that I am special

That I am the only one
who will make it

That I am not a statistic

Yet here I sit
procrastinating the idea of procrastination

To tired to be
anything more then a shell

I selfishly professed to you
that my teenage mind
can not process the idea of Love

Yet at 4 am
laying on your chest watching it rise

I understood

Love is wanting to be apart of something bigger than yourself

that night at 5 am as the sun began to rise
I want to intertwine my hands with yours
and become one

that morning at 6 am I fell in love

Help
I might be broken

Help
I might be lost

Help
I might be a dreamer

Help
I might hate myself

I'm here to help
says no one.

7 pounds you say
is all I need to be perfect

7 pounds of love
7 pounds of intelligence
7 pounds who've comforted me when you weren't here