I miss seeing you
between coffee stains

I miss hearing your
voice through silent films

I miss feeling your heart
through my chest


I hope she see's you through coffee stains
and listens for your voice during silent films

but most of all
I hope she feels your heart
in ways I never did

Driving around
Laughing
Smiling
Talking about the future
Eating
Breathing

It was perfect
the glimmer of your eyes
the way you asked if I was okay when I fell silent
the way we had a 20 minute discussion on christmas lights


It was all perfect

You weren't a waste of time
You showed me that what we had was possible
You showed me that this feeling is out there

I refuse to settle
I've touched gold
I will no longer settle
for slate

all of the broken dreams
the never said goodbyes
the never was friend

and you are left alone
a whole
broken person
just a piece of matter

and you are set adrift
once again trying to find the rest of you

E.R.

I think for the first time in my life
I am scared of tomorrow

But this tomorrow isn't something that hides in my closet
It isn't something that my mother can scare away

Tomorrow is something that hits you before you know it

Tomorrow is like breaking your leg the day before a marathon

Mom,
I'm sorry.

I can't help it.
I just don't think.
I get so angry.
I say things
that no one should say.

You
have given up everything for me
You
raised me on your own

Mom
Im sorry
I'll change
Give me time

One day,
we'll look back
and laugh.

I promise.

Don't give up on me mommy.

I'm changing.
I'm just not there yet.

My hollowed eyes can't see tomorrow
My skin won’t grasp tomorrows light

You left me in the storm
You left me in the river mud

Buried me, beneath your secrets
And left.

Now I lay
Beneath the Stars

Now I lay
Now I lay
Now I lay

You are no longer I
and I no longer you

For tomorrows light won’t meet my skin

Yet the comfort I am left with
is that I am no longer
a shell floating above the water

I am the river.

E.R.

I was never one to look past flaws
and many have come before you

Yet
you were different
you weren't perfect
you swore
you snored
you weren't always nice

But
I would take 100 bad days with you
over 1 good day with anyone else

And you thrusted your last knife into my chest

As the thick red water poured out of my body

                                            I laughed

You always did love the rain

Slipping further down
the rabbit hole


"Everything's been good, thanks for asking"

because I have an SAT math class
in an hour

and all I can think about is you

and I'm tired

and it's only 2:25 in the afternoon

and you don't love me anymore

and I want to forget

and I want to remember

E.R.

Its there
it'll always be there
it's always been there

Nothing
of this magnitude
just
develops

the deep hate
the abhorrence for my breath

the saddest thing
seeing my chest rise and fall

the immense
cloud
black
smoke
fills my mind

it doesn't just develop
its always been
here.

          ER.

I feel you next to me
you are not here
Your head is placed upon my chest
my chest is empty
My hands are running through your hair
my arms hang beside me
We go back and forth; verbally dancing
An empty expression sits upon my dull face

My phone rings
**it's not you.

My walls are paper thin
yet I no longer hear your voice

The sun sets outside my window
As it rises outside yours

I feel your hands around me as it snows
As the wave envelopes your bronzed arms

And I can't believe you're not here
And I can't believe I let you leave

I pray everyday that you aren't the one
I pray everyday that I haven't found my soul mate so soon

Because that would mean that I lost my only chance of having my other half

So please when you get back
Try to remember the
christmas lights
the swing set
and me

Stuck in the cement
as it starts to rain flowers

Watching them dance around me

stuck in the present
unable to
dance with the flowers

At this point
My feelings are bare

I have shown all my cards

I have given you my all


and if this doesn't work out

I will be left a tin man
with no heart

Gripping on to
Tomorrow
When I am unable to hold on to
Today

This house still feels shattered
no matter what day

Yet holding on
to something tangible
Makes me think you could have stayed

For today is not tomorrow
And yesterday is
not today

E.R.

Why I ramble when I'm nervous
2. Why I'm so bad at Spanish and Math
3. Why I pick fights with my mother
4. Why my hands are always cold
5. Why I feel like I'm alone
6. Why I am such a cliche
7. Why I let you go
8. In reference to number 7 refer to number 6

It's sad to think
that you have never touched this new skin

You haven't touched
these new palms

It's sad to think
I haven't see the inside of your car
since the summer

I haven't heard
your laugh
since the sun kissed my cheeks

Sitting here
in the dark
enveloped in a physical and metaphorical storm
I can't help but feel an ironic need for your lips
your embrace

And these cape cod skies wont bring you back
And these raindrops that race down my window wont bring you back
And my sorry means as much as my love

and to you it doesn't mean as much

E.R.

Yet when all is done
when the last breath is sitting on my tongue

I hope to remember the riptide
the summer
and how I chose to save myself

I'm gone
dead.
dying.

Memories
gone
Feelings
gone
Love
gon­e
Hope
gone

I'm gone
dead.
d
   y
      i
        n
           g.

There's only so many "sorry's" I could say
At a certain point you need to decide
if what we had, is worth fighting for

I left
I ran

It rained
It snowed

and I never called
never reached out for you

and when I did
it was too late

You moved on

Once a vibrant red
Now Grey


E.R.

Too quick
                               s
                           e
                        p
                     o
I get my h  up

Too often
I let *myself    d
                              o
           ­                      w
                                     n
I'm done
it's over
finished.
                                              ­  Maybe
                                                   if I keep telling myself this,
                                                           ­            one day I'll believe it.

ER.

I sit here
Crying and Studying

My mother cooks in the kitchen
My brother watches TV
My father is on the computer

and I'm crying

I miss the hands I do not know
I cry for the love I have not yet felt
My fingers reach for hands they have yet to be intertwined with

Forever nostalgic
for feelings not yet felt

I lost you
because I didn't share the lust you did

And now I'm stuck in a paradox of emotions

And my best friend is no longer there

to see me through the dark

Now I sit here
under the sun

having given you my lungs

unable to scream out for help
as the waves pull me in

I will never forget
being 5 years old

telling my mother that I just felt sad
for no reason

Never feeling
is not hard
Never loving
is not hard

But when the corners of his lips smiled
my world fell from those lips

Feeling
is hard
Loving
is hard

I am
not easy
You
are not the sun

But together
we are the whole **** universe

I think it scares you

I think you wish you could forget me

I think you wish her eyes were mine

I think every time we talk, you're scared

I think you know that I would hurt you again

I think the two years we shared haunts you

Promise you'll come back
And I'll promise I won't get scared