It’s an odd type of love I have for him
A sort of knowingness, as if he’s a safety net
That will save me from my self-destructive tendencies.
I find him to be, at this moment, in the center
Of my thoughts, of my brain
And at first, I wished to deny that he existed in there as more than a friend
But now, I find myself okay with the possibility that I could be falling in love with him
It’s as if he can read me like just another poster on the wall
But chooses to take the time and notice
And that sort of flattery, I never thought I’d learn to appreciate receiving
From someone like him
He’s not what I had in mind when I pictured a knight in shining armor
But in a way, he’s better.
More reachable, more realistic
And as much as I tried to prevent the thought of him from sinking in to my heart
He fits right in.
And maybe in a day or two, he will do something foolish that removes him
From this area of myself which I have only let a few enter,
But right now, I’m happy he’s right there; constantly, in my thoughts
And I’m not sure why
But I’m filled with joy at the thought of his awkward smile
And his perverse, or semi-cruel jokes
And the feeling of pure bliss I get when he nudges me
And I'm not sure why
But I think I'm falling in love again
And I think I'll end up broken again
But whatever the end result is...
I’m happy that he’s taken a place in my world
And I really hope I've taken a place in his.

I am not perfect
Nor is perfection my goal
But consciousness is

I. centipede:
-
They come from both directions and it doesn't take long
for me to realize that they've figured me out.
My mind was fast, but not as swift as the hands
of five-hundred outreaching hands; one angry crowd.
Grabbing at limbs, low and high, they don't waste a second
before tearing me in every direction; at least the cardinal four.
My mind takes flight, leaves fancy, but not before
I get in one last swear, and one last spittle in their faces.

II. snake
-
Tail and head aren't in sync this morning, I tell ya.
No rattle, no bite, just a lot of traffic and heat shimmers
in the one place I don't need to be today.
The people here act like they don't know me,
but they still turn their noses up when I empty my mug.
The waitress answers when spoken to,
but just stares in the time in between wheezing breaths.
I've got to get out of this county, this state.

III. scorpion
-
Ronny hasn't been on a roof since a couple years after we got married.
He wrapped his ankle in some gutters and took a spill;
his thigh popped right out of it's socket and he just dangled
like some kind of prize in one of those crane games.
Doctor says he can still have kids, and I know he can still get it up
from how he watches that ****** **** on t.v.
But he wont touch me; hasn't in fifteen months, I've counted.
He's in for a surprise once the settlement clears.

IV. lizard
-
Wallflowers never get anywhere with their mouths sewn shut
and I cut my stitches well before my teens;
I got what I needed and I made sure of it.
But there is something to be gained from
basking in the naivety of youth and ignorance.
Trouble doesn't set in as well, and boredom comes
as some kind of waiting period, rather than the norm.
These bars are a reminder of why they don't let me make the rules.

V. toad
-
Invulnerable, incontestable, unphasable, archetype.
I listen for the right words to drop the shields,
but I'm only met with the silence that accompanies
asphyxiation through means of wet wax paper.
The touch of phantoms tingle along my skeleton's core
telling me the time for lollygagging has long since passed.
Stand up, giant, you're running hot and the moon
keeps calling out, "follow the lit road home".

last night in my dreams i went to a bar

in the void

it was all darkness

dimly lit

there was an over-sized jukebox making otherworldly sounds in

what looked like a round corner

while the space felt crowded, it was almost deserted, almost empty

except for

the promise of wakeful suffering

the past's burn of *****

dinner, unsettled but unmoved

and an empty bag of fancy chocolate

to keep me company

long dead gods sometimes showed their faces and were unrecognized

i never drank a thing

i wasn't thirsty

but i sat at the bar, staring at everything but the jukebox

an empty, chipped glass in my hands

an empty, chipped smile on my face

"Keep your head up,"
My mother used to say,
How could I now,
When I barely could stand?

For my knees are too weak,
To hold up my fragile frame,
Anchored to the floor,
By the weight of the world.

"Ten tiny breaths,"
My father used to say,
How could I take ten,
When one was a struggle?

For each tear down my face,
Holds an ocean of sadness,
Filling my lungs,
With each staggering breath.

"Don't you dare give up,"
My sister used to say,
But how could I not,
When life was this hard?

When every step I took,
Cut the soles of my feet,
When every smile that I forced,
Felt like pins to my face?

The apologies I feel,
The thank you's flooding my heart,
Are simply not enough,
To tie me down to this life.

So I'm sorry to my family,
But it's killing me inside,
This life of mine,
Is not worth your lines.