have you ever believed
in something so blindly
so genuinely
that the moment you realize
it isn't true, something inside you
changes forever?
i wanna tell you a story, see
seldom do i ever
go swimming in drinks
deep enough to drown in
but when i do
i speak in tongues
about things that none
of my memories
are allowed to talk about
like that christmas
at the isthmus
where my girlfriend
plucked a conch shell
whiter than gods teeth
out of the sand
held it to her ear
and stopped time
that day she was a shade of blue
the could've made the ocean sick
see, she loved to play jokes
when she held
the sea shell to her ear
she gasped, called my name
and said "i want you to hear this"
i said "yeah, right, everybody knows it's just the same old sea"
she replied "no. not this one. this one is special. listen. theres music in this one"
she handed me the shell
like a promise she couldn't keep
and i held it to my ear
with all the potential
of seeing shore
after being stranded
at sea for years
only to hear
a tired dirge of silence
spill from its emptiness
i guess she didn't know
how desperately
i wanted to hear it too
because ever since
something inside me snapped
now sand pours out
of every post card i open
i hear seagulls
in telephone static
sometimes i have dreams
where i bury my hands
in every beach
i've ever been on
and exhume this graveyard of noise
every time i try to sleep
i spit up fishhooks
and i guess i'm obsessed
but maybe
if i hold my ear
to enough vacant things
then i could have back
the time stolen from me
since it happened
maybe they would get it
if they knew what i wanted
when i blow out birthday candles
maybe they'll find me
face down in a wishing well
i watch eternal sunshine
of the spotless mind every day
pretending i can forget too
because this sea sickness
has followed me for years
because yesterday
i walked into a music shop
and all the pianos broke
but the only thing
i can think to say is
*do you know how bad
a memory has to be
that you fantasize
about forgetting it?

My thoughts woke me up in the middle of the night, it's getting harder to breathe without you by my side. My mind is clouded by your absence. I'm living underwater. Every breath mixed with water.

I've always wanted to become a writer. I've known it all along.
Ever since I started making scenarios in my head about possible outcomes, and whenever I acted a bit too dramatic. Everytime I fell to deep over a guy.
I thank everyone who has ever made me feel like killing myself. Thank you to everyone who has made me shed tears until I fell asleep. Thanks for the scars in my heart, in my arms that will probably never heal properly.
I thank you because I made it.
I'm becoming the person I had to become.
I wouldn't have done it without you.

The tiniest detail about you she will never forget, and I doubt in a year you'll remember her name.
She will soon enough become another pair of lips you kissed twice while drunk in what seemed like love but was actually urge.
She will be the junior you had a crush on for what seemed like forever, only to find out she wasn't worth a title.
It began to hurt the minute you whispered for her to stay, your breath smelt like ***** she should've known better than to believe in a drunken thought. But then weeks went by and he stayed, and for then it was enough. Except it wasn't, she began fading into him, she ignored his obvious lack of interest towards her.
She was so blinded by a desire to try and make it work that she missed all of the departure signs.
And things were never comfortable between them two, you should've known, it always felt as if he was following someone else's instructions about what to say on the first date and how to hold her hand, it was as if these simple gestures were over-rehearsed. Too mechanical. But she'd let that pass because she was happy.
Because she really wanted it work.
I suppose it is no surprise it ended just the way it started. Us making out completely wasted with no idea of what was actually going on or what was going to happen the next day, without a clue of the day or the month.
Nothing mattered but us, whether you were asking me out or breaking up with me. It was all about us. Everything else just kind of blended into a blurry landscape, was that not good enough for you?

And I'm utterly sorry darling, I know you wanted it to work, I know you poured your soul and thoughts, I know you tried. You gave your best. But let me tell you it wasn't enough, your best was never enough, you were never enough to make him stay. He may think he left because of his own choice, but it was all you. You should've been better.
Silly me, for a moment there I actually thought this time you'd stay.

//////
Still is that a proper way to leave?

I. people will judge from the outside as if they had it all figured out, and it will hurt. don't give in. humans are selfish and envious and that's the main reason why I have no interest in becoming one.
II. look for happiness and once you find it hold on to it as you would hold on to the bouquet of roses the bride throws after the wedding ceremony, as you will hold onto your baby's first lost tooth, as you held your mother's hand when you crossed the street and how she squeezed a little to hard out of love and fear. and those glimpses of happiness that have passed and all those that are yet to come, will make this all worth it.
III. you'll never get to please them all. you don't even have to try.
all you have to do is make sure that the decisions you make are actually coming from you. keep in mind that no one not a friend a boyfriend not even your mother will have to live with the choices you make, no one but yourself.
IV. if you want to drink, **** it tequila will taste better than his goodbye, and drugs are available and will make you forget all the reasons why he couldn't stick around, you can get A's if you put your mind up to it, just make sure whatever you choose to pour your soul makes your pulse race and your heart skip a beat.
V. never settle. wait for someone who will make you laugh and will be as much of a talker as you are, and who will support you in every decision, that last one is important. you are worth a freakin lot for you to be losing your time with ******* and cocky heartbreakers.

her world was shattered long before she had the slightest chance to experience the harshness of it.

im pretty sure there are people who get better, who make it through.
and although some people recover parents divorcing and loneliness and being practically raised by themselves, some others turn into drugs and become cheaters and they should have the concern of someone. i mean, who pays attention to these forgotten souls? who will help them become who they were born to be and not a weak copy of their flawed parents?

i'm not bluffing, people do get better and i know at the moment it may seem as the hardest thing you'll ever experience.
baby i know you think you need those boys but you don't, you need the beach and fresh air, and a hot bath when things seem to heavy for your fragile shoulders to handle, you'll need friends who get you ice-cream after rough break-ups, skateboards and probably a shot or two, and fresh air when the air gets so thick your lungs finally begin to charge all those empty cigarette boxes hidden under your bed.

and you will get better, you will overcome it and you'll thank god or better yet you will thank yourself for holding onto to that ray of sunshine, for staying away from the shadows and the chaos, for keeping those dark thoughts that used to haunt you at night in a corner of your mind you no longer have the need to visit.
remember, i love you

and you walked out of my life without the slightest concern yet don't seem able to ******* leave my mind.

and i got so drunk the day you left me I threw up at your feet the empty promises made by a you i no longer recognized, my world literally fell apart at your feet. now that i come to think about it you may have been the one holding it together for now that you're no longer around nothing makes sense i'm more lost than ever and to say that, is quite something.

and although you've turned into everything i despise i still crave you and the connection i foolishly thought we had.